Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 5 months ago

John; August 10, 2021 — dark


I keep trying to catch incoming bad feelings, and identify them as they appear, so that I don't become my feelings. I'm overwhelmed today. I feel accepted under certain conditions, but I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere. I often wonder if I died some time ago and this has all been "hell," repeating itself over and again. 

Song: "Family" by Badflower 

Oh well, they can't all bewinners. Today kind of sucked. No, generally. Just later in the dayI started to do this thing where I try to catch my feelings,and the way I catch it as I just identify, like I say tomyself, I notice, you know, I just realized that I had afeeling. And in this case they keep being bad, so it's enough tocatch it. Put there is onslaught of bad feelings and MMM, overwhelming,exhausting to try to bat them away. I guess what I'm saying is I'mhaving a bad evening. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feellike some people accept me so long as I perform in a family. Plentyof jobs in the past, but the...

...moment they think I'm not or justdon't fit into their picture or their plans. I mean, it seems like I'measily disposed of and sometimes I think, I know, obviously this isn't real. But what is real? Sometimes I wonder if I died a coupleof years ago and I've just been in hell. Like this is hell.All the things I've had to experience, all the heartache and just the sadnessand the loss, having to see it and experience it over and again andagain makes me think that like, what happened? I don't know what happened, but it seems like there must have been some event in which I juststopped existing and I think I'm alive.

But really the reason people treat meas if I'm a ghost is because I am a ghost. And then whenI try to think back, like how long ago do I remember actually feelingalive, it creates this weird vertigo like backwards tunnel where I can see allthe just the heart ache of my life and I don't want to look backthrough all that. It's hard to look back through it and try to findout when I felt like I was alive. I always wanted to be a goodkid. I tried to be a good cave when I was young.I guess I just wanted attention, like you know all kids do, butthen it just felt ignored or kind of neglected, like even the love Igot was a cold love, like I'm... blooded. I'm a very warmloving person to like overwhelming, like it's I'm too much. So I don'tknow. I you can tell if somebody loves you warmly or feels kindly towardsyou versus someone who is supposed to love you or by a societal's construct,quote unquote, has to love you, but the love comes off as coldand rigid and well conditional, like it's there so long as you're living upto their standards and if you're not, there's no love. Now I guessI just felt that way at the end of today's work because I don't likeI don't know, I work in sales, so I'm the only person out andI don't get to hang around anybody all day and today I was just, you know, exhausting hot outside.

I think the product we have isgreat, but I think we're little late and little slow to the market withthe price. So the price is not where people are jumping at it,which I guess is fine for the organization, but it's not good for me asa salesperson. So I find my days just wasted chasing kind of erraticplans that change on the fly when a lot of the stuff could be strategizedand thought out, and I don't feel, HMM, I don't know that Isometimes I feel at work that I'm a ghost as well. I'll saythings. You know, someone ask a question, even an innocuous question,just meaningless, trivial question, and I'll answer it and that person will lookat me and then continue looking at the ceiling as if they didn't hear thefucking correct answer I just said. And I've seen this go around the circlefor like ten more seconds and then somebody else, or that person will sitrepeat what I just said and then everyone... like, oh, yeah,yeah, that's the name of it. I'm like, wait, am Ihere? Am I am? I like have to pinch myself. Am Ilive? Is this up construct? I like the idea that we're just ina terrarium, that people planted us here and we're just doing the best wecan with what happens. But now I kind of wonder if this is likea weird digital construct where we could be just muted or made invisible. Idon't know, there's like a Black Mirror episode like that. You know,here's a weird thing, and I don't this probably happens to a lot ofmen, women to I would imagine, but you know, when you tryto correct the mistakes that your parents made and you try everything in your powerto not have that happen, and yet similar things unfold. So you endup in the same situation. And whereas...

I've felt like no love or verycold hearted love from my parents, I had tons of love and have tonsof love for my own kids, but they treat me like my parents treatme. They're just cold to me, like unkind, and I don't know, m I don't know what I did, don't how to change that and yes, I've apologized. I've not made any demands, all the all thenormal things. I think I'm fairly normal person in that sense, but Idon't know if I attract drama, I make bad decisions or just, Idon't know, just not having a great day. This is one of thebiggest challenges of the August daily episode.

Challenge is that the day you reallydon't want to fucking get up and talk on a podcast is still a daythat you you're committed to. HMM. Yeah, I'm trying to speak slowlyso I don't say anything disturbing, but I don't know, the sinner Icut out tonight, the earlier I can just go to bed and hopefully starta new day tomorrow. Yeah, all right. Well, I'm going tolisten to some music and for you people listening on Youtube what you're about tomiss because Youtube is going to mute. It is bad flower with family.Thanks for listening. It's more leave me. I don't want this tonight. Mysister's cry. I'm just my father's...

...mother's Kid, shitty brother. I'mnot body's friend. Only make you cry. I don't deserve this. Family onlyand now back to the wall.

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