Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 3 months ago

John; August 10, 2021 — dark


I keep trying to catch incoming bad feelings, and identify them as they appear, so that I don't become my feelings. I'm overwhelmed today. I feel accepted under certain conditions, but I don't feel like I truly belong anywhere. I often wonder if I died some time ago and this has all been "hell," repeating itself over and again. 

Song: "Family" by Badflower 

Well, they can't all be winners today, kind of sucked generally just later in the day. I started to do this thing where I try to catch my feelings and the way I catch it, as I justidentify, like I say to myself, I noticed you know just realized that Ihad a feeling, and in this case they keep being bad. So it's enough tocatch it, but there there's an onslaught of bad feelings and Moverwhelming, exhausting to try to bat them away. I guess what I'm saying is I'm having abad evening. I don't feel like. I belong anywhere. I feel, like somepeople accept me so long as I perform in a family plenty of jobs in the past,...

...but the moment they think I'm not or Ijust don't fit into their picture or their plans, I mean it seems like I'm easily disposed of, and sometimes I think I know. Obviouslythis isn't real, but what is real. Sometimes I wonder if I died a coupleof years ago and I've just been in hell like this- is hell all the things I've had to experienceall the heartache and just the sadness and the loss having to see it and experience it overand again and again makes me think that, like what happened,I don't know what happened, but it seems like there must have been someevent in which I just stopped existing...

...and I think I'm alive, but really the reason people treat me as if I'm aghost is because I am a ghost then when I try to think back like howlong ago do, I remember actually feeling alive it, creates this weird vertigo likebackwards tunnel, where I can see all the just the heartache of my life, and I don't want to look back throughall that, it's hard to look back through it and try to find out when Ifelt like I was alive. I always wanted to be a good kid. I tried to be a goodcave when I was young. I guess I just wanted attention, like you know allkids too, but then it just felt, ignored or kind of neglected, like eventhe love I got was a cold love like I'm... blooded, I'm a very warm, lovingperson to like overwhelming, like I'm too much so I I don't know I don't you can tellif somebody loves you warmly or feels kindly towards you verses. Someone who is supposed to love you orby a societal construct quote unquote, has to love you, but the love comes offas cold and rigid and well conditional like it's there solong as you're living up to their standards and ifyou're not there's, no love. Now I guess I just felt that way at theend of today's work, because I don't like I don't know, Iwork in sales, so I'm the only person out and I don't get to hang aroundanybody all day and today I was just... know, exhausting hot outside. I think the product we have is great,but I think we're a little late and a little slow to the market with theprice. So the price is not where people are jumping at it, which I guess is fine for theorganization, but it's not good for me as a sales person. So I find my daysjust wasted chasing kind of erratic plans thatchange on the fly when a lot of the stuff could be strategized and thoughtout, and I don't feel hmm. I don't know thatI sometimes I feel at work that I'm a ghost as well I'll, say things. You know, someone aska question: Even an innocuous question, just meaningless trivial question and I'll answer it and that person willlook at me and then continue looking at the ceiling as if they didn't hear thefucking correct answer. I just said, and I've seen this go around a circlefor like ten more seconds than somebody...

...else or that person will. I repeat whatI just said, and then everyone will be like. Oh yeah yeah, that's the name ofit. I'm like wait am I here am I I like have to pinch myself of my live. Isthis a construct? I like the idea that we're just in aterrarium that people planted us here and we're just doing the best we canwith what happens. But now I kind of wonder if this is like a weird digitalconstruct where we could be just muted or made invisible. I don't know,there's like a Black Mirror episode like that. You know here's a weird thing and Idon't this probably happens to a lot of men. Women to I would imagine, but youknow when you try to correct the mistakes that your parents made and you try everything in your power tonot have that happen and yet similar things unfold. So you end up in thesame situation...

...and whereas I felt like no love or verycold hearted love from my parents. I had tons of love and have tons of lovefor my own kids, but they treat me like my parents treat methey're just cold to me like unkind and I don't know M. I don't know what I did.I don't know change that. Yes, I've apologized, I've not made any demands, all the allthe normal things. I think I'm fairly normal person in that sense, but Idon't know if I attract drama, I make bad decisions or just I don't know,just not having a great day. This is one of the biggest challengesof the August daily episode challenge.

Is that the day you really don't wantto fucking get up and talk on a podcast is still a day that you were committedto m yeah, I'm trying to speak slowly. So Idon't say anything disturbing, but I don't knowthe sinner I cut out tonight the earlier I can just go to bed andhopefully start a new day to morrow. Well, all right! Well, I'm going to listen tosome music and for you, people listening on Youtube. What you're about to miss becauseYoutube is going to mute. It is bad flower with family than fit. I don't to... sister's cry. Just mother's kids shape. I'm not body's friend make you. I don't deserve this fan and now back to the wall.

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