John | Podcasting
John | Podcasting

Episode · 1 year ago

I'm Starving For Attention! What Becomes Of The Hungry Ghosts?


I’m doing my best not to lose it today. I talk about what I think loneliness is, compared to being alone.

Our “soul” is the space between our thoughts … but what happens when your soul can’t communicate with others?

Are we doomed to a life of misunderstanding?

I think I’m on my own for the holiday — send me a message? A review? A voicemail?  

I was just reading an article earlier today. It did a study that where they starved people of food, not starve, starved, but, you know, restricted their food to the point that they were hungry. These are all voluntary subjects to no tortures happening here. Well, I guess kind of. But they signed off on it, they had permission, they asked the permission and got it. So the test subjects were denied food and they detected what part of the brain was lit up, basically trying to find out what part of your brain lights up when you're hungry for food. And then they took the same people and with full bellies, a different time. Then they denied them human attention and sure enough, as you could imagine, the exact same... of their brain lit up when they were hungry for attention. So there really is a mechanism. So a person that's, you know, the kind of the class that cliche starving for attention. They really are as far as the brain goes, and perception is reality, and this isn't just misperception. Our brain really is hardwire. are to see the lack of human interaction in the same way it sees the lack of food in other words, it's wired to think that both of those things are essential for life. Then it got me to thinking about the term sad fishing. You familiar with that term on the Internet? It's about people who, I don't know. They it's alleged that there are being more performative and their sadness just to get attention. But...'s kind of like, in my mind, if you are like a like, say a hungry person, say a beggar on the street corner, I mean, and tons of people give them money. That's why they stand there and I don't think anybody says she, you know, get a job, you bomb. I don't think. I mean they used to say that, I think a lot more. When I was a kid, times were different than but nowadays I think of people understand that their home was. They don't want to see, you know, the average person doesn't want to see the homeless because they're kind of repulsed by that. I don't know if it's their own internal guilt or whatever reason, but they don't typically sneer at them anymore the way they used to. I don't know, maybe you might have some older relatives, but that's what I'm saying. Older generations used to look at homeless people and the hungry as people who just didn't try hard enough. Mental illness didn't come into the equation back then. So if we're not going to...

...blame a person for being hungry, why would we diminish a person? That's sad fishing. I started to wander out loud, not out loud in my own head, it's loud out loud to myself. And Yeah, because being lonely something else. Wanting human attention is clearly hard wired into us and I don't think that's a bad thing. And that's different than liking to be alone, because when I try to have this conversation with a lot of my friends who are not as studied as I am on the ways of the brain, they're like, oh no, dude, I fucking love to be alone, and like that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about loneliness. So loneliness is not being heard by others around you. When you're alone, that's something different if you're lonely, when you are lone, it's basically not being heard by yourself. So, regardless if you're in a group of people or... yourself, the concept of loneliness is purely a comparison of how you wish to be understood and how you feel that you're really being understood in that moment. And so if you don't feel understood after a while around other people, you'll start to misunderstand yourself as well. You'll start to question everything, like why, why don't people understand me? I look and appear normal, I I feel like a normal me, like we are kind of like the thoughts. I mean, how did what? How do is it? We are the space between our thoughts. So when we're actively thinking, that's a lot of stuff that's part us, that's part of programming, part our environment. But I'm talking about our soul, I think. I mean it just feels this way to me, that our soul is what happens between our thoughts. And if you have a mind disorder or a dysfunction in your brain which makes... difficult or almost impossible, to accurately, makes it hard to accurately connect your inner soul to the outside world, you really feel misunderstood all the time, no matter what you could look like. You belong. In fact that people talk to me in public a lot like they know me and I belong there, but I don't feel like it. I feel anxious. I feel like, who are these people? Because they're not going to understand me, me, and then I'm going to say something weird. Well, I mean then it's that way with all my friends forever. and kind of alluding to the safety net we were talking about yesterday, there's the meaning if people don't understand me, then they don't know how to how to help, so they can't be part of the safety that either because they just they aren't equipped. And if I don't know how to communicate to them, well, I'm not equipped even help them help me, and then it gets kind of dire.

Not to be a downer, but I'm just kind of skating this really thin edge right now because, man, last year I just thought this year would be different at Thanksgiving, that's all, that's all. I just thought, because of the pandemic, that everybody would stay puts and then I would have holidays with my kids and I was looking forward to that. And now I don't think that's happening and I'm just kind of been kept in the dark about whatever's going on. So on one side I find myself now stuck in the middle of the country, without any close friends or family to even talk to, let alone spend time with. Some I'm stuck in a box for Thanksgiving with with nobody I know, alone that that sucks. I've all I mean,...

I had kids to have a family. I planned kids with my wife for the time and I wanted to have a family, to have a family because it's what I did not have when I grew up. So now that I have these opportunities each year and they just fuck, they just keep coming and going every year and it really it hurts. I do know. I'd say I don't know, but if I can know if fucking hurts. Like you always want to try to give of life your best and sometimes it seems like life doesn't really give you the opportunities when you want or when you're able to give your best, like okay, can I try now, like Nope, you have to wait, and then when you wait for the opportunities around to be your best, you fail and then just people think you're failure. So that's why I'm thinking about loneliness and what alone means and disconnectedness means in...

...general. I felt that way grown up to I was always the new kid in class continually moving and moving, and you know, when you're the new kid in class you don't make friends like back in the day or whatever. They bully kids, right, they bully. Is a hierarchy, of course, and special needs kids, Brown kids, black kids, girls. You know, there's a hierarchy of bullies. Clearly, if you don't know it, then you haven't been in school. But at the bottom of this hierarchy is the fucking new kid. So, because my parents would kick me back and forth from house to house, I was perpetually the new kid. I went to twelve schools from kindergarten to twelve grade alone, and I'm like, Damn, that's a lot, and so I kind of have this wiring to think that go on the outcast, I'm the misfit. So when it came time to like have family or girlfriends or when I got married, I was...

...the misfit. They always put me at that kids table. Like I'm a grown ass man and they put me at the kids table. I relate to kids cool and but they would chalk that up as the reason that they put me there. And after a while I was just reserved to the fact that fuck at these people don't have any respect for me in the same sense. So yeah, I guess maybe I'm thankful that I'm alone for Thanksgiving. And the fucked up thing is, like everybody I know that's an adult, they know that I'm emotional and I'm sensitive and I like the holidays and they all know that I'm alone and they all seem to be okay with it. I don't know, maybe maybe you could call and wish me a happy Thanksgiving or something, or leave me a review or send me an email something. As a website, you can go to Johnny mootionscom. Is All the there's a... tree there. You can find out all the different ways. There's a phone number on the contact page. You can just leave me a voicemail, because people say, oh well, if you don't have a family, you can make your own new family. You can choose, so your new family is. Well, there's not a lot of volunteers, honestly, and each year it seems to grow darker and darker. Like people used to tell me man ure so you really have a sunny personality, like weird kind of cheesy shit like that, but they were right, they did. Feels like each time you get like a knife stuck in. Yeah, you get a little more scarred and eventually all you are scars and even if you try to heal the wounds, sometimes the skin it's like the scar tissue is so tough for...

...a reason, because I'm not sitting here trying to collect wounds and analyze them, I'm trying to like heal them. But man, it just each year, you know, you try to have and of course vision. People will say, oh, but it's covid. You know, we're all limiting our fucking holiday plans. Yeah, I get it, but you're still hanging out with somebody. Somebody, maybe it's the person that you live with and didn't want to be with. Well, at least it's somebody. Right, I gotta go. I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. And now back to the wall.

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