Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 1 year ago

I'm Starving For Attention! What Becomes Of The Hungry Ghosts?


I’m doing my best not to lose it today. I talk about what I think loneliness is, compared to being alone.

Our “soul” is the space between our thoughts … but what happens when your soul can’t communicate with others?

Are we doomed to a life of misunderstanding?

I think I’m on my own for the holiday — send me a message? A review? A voicemail?  

I was just reading an particle earliertoday. It did a study that, where they starved people of food,Nhot starves Darve, but you know restricted their food to the point thatthey were hungry. thise were all voluntary subjects too. No torture is happening here. Well, I guess kind of, but they signedoff on it that perbision, they asked the permission and got it so. The testsubjects were denied food and they detected what part of the brain was litup, basically trying to find out what partof your brain lights up when you're hungry for food, and then they took thesame people and with full bellies a different time. Then they denied them human attention and sure enough, as... could imagine, the exact same parts of their brain lit up when they were hungry forattention. So there really is a mechanism, so aperson that you know the kind of the classic cliche starving for attention.They really are as far as the brain goes and perception is reality, andthis isn't just misperception. Our brain really is hard wired to see the lack of humaninteraction. In the same way it sees the lack of food, in other words, it'swired. To think that both of those things are essential for life. Then it got me to think in abouts the term sad fishing, you familiar withthat term on the Internet. It's about people who I don't know T it's alleged, thatthey're being more performative and their sadness just to get attention,...

...but it's kind of like in my mind, if you are like a like, say a hungryperson say a beggar on the street corner, I mean and tons of people givethem money, that's why they stand there and I don't think anybody says Syou know get a job you bomb. I don'tthink I mean they used to say that I think a lot more when I was a kid times were different than, but nowadaysI think if people understand that their homewass, they don't want to you knowthe average person doesn't want to see the homeless because they're kind ofrepulsed by that I don't know if it's their own internal guilt or whateverreason, but they don't typically sneer at them anymore. The way they used to,I don't know, maybe you might have some older relatives, but that's what I'msaying older generations used to look at homeless people and the hungry aspeople who just didn't. Try Hard enough mental illness didn't come into theequation back then. So, if we're not...

...going to blame a person for beinghungry, why would we diminish a person that sadfishing? I started to wander out loud Wel, not out loud in my own head, it'sloud Soit, loud to myself and yeah, because being lonely, somethingelse. Onte in human attention is clearly hardwired into us and I don'tthink that's a bad thing and that's different than liking to be alone,because when o try to have this conversation with a lot of my friendswho are not as studied as I am on the ways of the brain they're like oh nodude, I fucking loave to be alone and like that's not what I'm talking about.I'm talking about loneliness, so loneliness is not being heard by othersaround you when you're alone that' somethingdifferent. If you are lonely, when you are alone, it's basically not beingheard by yourself.

So regardless of you're in a group ofpeople or by yourself, the concept of loneliness is purely a comparison of how you wish to be understood and howyou feel that you really being understood in that moment, and so, if you don't feel understood after a while around other people,you'll start to misunderstand yourself as well: You'll start to questioneverything like why. Why don't people understand me? I look and appear normal.I E, I feel like a normal me like we are kind of like the thoughts I mean.How do what Howt is it? We are the space between our thoughts.So when we're actively thinking that's a lot of stuff, that's part us, that'spart of programming, part our environment, but I'm talking about oursoul. I think I mean it just feels this way to me that our soul is what happensbetween our thoughts and if you have a mind, disorder or adisfunction in your brain, which...

...makes it difficult or almost impossibleto accurately makes it hard to accurately connect your innersoul tothe outside world. You really feel misunderstood all thetime, no matter what you could look like, you belong in fact, t people talkto me in public a lot like they know me and I belong there, but I don't feellike it. I feel anxious I feel like who are these people because they're notgoing to understand me me and then I'm going to say something weird. Well Imean then it's that way with all my friends forever and kind of alluding tothe safety net. We were talking about yesterday. There's the I mean peopledon't understand me, then they don't know how to how to help. So they can'tbe part of the safety that either because they're just they aren'tequipped and if I don't know how to communicate to them. Well, I'm notequipped to even help them help me, and...

...then it gets kind of dire not to be a downer, but I'm just kindof I'm just gaing. This really thin edge right now, because man last year, I just thought this year would bedifferent at Thanksgiving. That's all that's all! I just thought because ofthe PANDEMMIC that everybody would stay put and then I would have holidays with mykids and I was looking forward to them and now I don't think that's happening and I'vejust kind of been kept in the dark about whatever's going on. So on one side, I find myself now stuck inthe middle of the country without any close friends or family to even talk tolet alone spend time with so stuck in a box for Thanksgiving wihwith, nobody, I know alone and thatthat sucks I've all. I mean I had kids... have a family. I planned kids withmy wife or the time I a wanted to have a family to have a family, because it'swhat I did not have when I grew up so now that I have these opportunitieseach year and they just canfuck. They just keep coming and going every yearand it really it hurts. I do know. I say I don't know, but I fucking know iffucking hurts like you, always want to try to give life your best, andsometimes it seems like life, doesn't really give you the opportunities when you want or whenyou're able to give your best like. Okay, can I try now like nope? You haveto wait and then, when you wait for the opportunities around to be your best, you fail and then just people thinkyour failure. So that's why I'm thinking about loneliness and what alone means anddisconnectedness means in general, I...

...felt that Wa' growing up to. I wasalways the new kid in class continually moving and moving, and you know when you're the new inningclass. You don't make friends like back in the day or whatever they bully.Kids right. They bully is tha hierarchy, of course, and special needs. Kids, Brown, kids, black, kids, girls. Youknow, there's a hierarchy of bullies. Clearly, if you don't know it, then youhaven't been in school, but at the bottom of this hierarchy. IsThe fucking new kid so because my parents would kick me back and forthfrom house to house, I was perpetually the new kid. I went to twelve schoolsfrom kindergarten to twelfth grade alone.I'm like damn that's a lot, and so I kind of have this wiring tothink like on the outcast, I'm the misfit. So when it came time to likehave family or girlfriends or when I... married, I obviously the missfiter.They always put me at that kids table like I'm a grown ass man and they putme at the kids table. I relate to kids, cool and but they would chock that upas the reason that they put me there and after a while, I was just reservedto the fact that fuck it these people don't have any respect. For me, in the samesense so yeah, I guess maybe I'm thankful that I'm alone forThanksgiving and the fuck Tup thing is like everybody, I know that's an adult.They know that I'm emotional and I'm sensitive and I like the holidays, andthey all know that I'm alone and they all seem to be okay with it. I don't know, maybe maybe you couldcall and wish me happy Thanksgiving or something or leave me a review or semin email,something theres a website. You can go to Johnny motionscom E's, all thatthere's a wink tree there. You can find...

...out all the different ways. There's aphone number on the contact page. You can just leave me a voicemail becausepeople say oh well. If you don't have a family, you can make your own newfamily. You can choose who your new family is. Well, there's, not a lot ofvolunteers. Honestly and each year it seems to grow darkerand darker, like people used to tell me man you're, so you really have a sunnypersonalitys like weird kind of cheesy shit like that, but they were right.They did fees like each time you get like aknife stuck in you, you get a little more scarred and eventually all you are is scars and even if you try to heal the wounds,sometimes the skis like the scar tissue... so tough for a reason, because I'mnot sitting here trying to collect wounds and analyze them I' trying tolike heal them, but man it just each year. You know wo, try to have and of course, vision, peoplewill sayoh, but it's covid and you know we're all limiting our fucking holiday plansyeah. I get it, but you're still hanging out with somebody somebody.Maybe it's the person that you live with and didn't want to be with well.At least it's somebody right. I gotta go I'll talk to you guys tomorrow and now back to the wall.

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