Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 1 year ago

Another good reason not to try suicide? You'll feel different tomorrow anyway.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

My mood has improved from yesterday, and I give a quick update on the LiftId tDCS (trnascranial direct-current stimulation) I've been using now for 5 days. Hang in there. This holiday is almost over. Politics is almost over, and the holdiays are almost over. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Visit johnemotions.com

[Scroll down for a loose transcription at EmoDojo.org]

Hey t Wednesday November twenty fifth,two thousand and twenty I'm Johnny Motions, and this here is dailyemotions to show I put together every day. Hencethe name and Yeah I'll do one tomorrow, two on Thanksgiving Tho seawoods. Upwith all I know, I noticed I've got a bunch of listeners in India, so a bigshoutout to my Indian friends and I don't think youall celebrateThanksgiving, but you get the premise so when I sayhappy Thanksgiving it's to you too and Y'all and Switzerland as well. It'sso odd when you look at statistics of a podcast and I'm like that's either like a server farm or something I'm justlike that, can't be actual listeners, but it's consistent. Well, I don't knowI don't know, I don't really put much...

...faith in the statistics of thedownloads and where that coming from, but it's fascinating to watch and if Ido have a lot of listeners in India and Switzerland You'r welcome. Thank you for thank youfor listening, it's fascinating to me. This is today. This is one reason whyyou should not try. Suicide is because things change your mood changes. So, inthis case, things did not really change from yesterday until today, throughtoday, I just feel different. I don't feel sodismal, so hopeless, certainly don't feel great, not evengood, but fine. I'll, take fine over shitty any day. Right Thi reminds me of a Queen Song called, don't try, suicideor basically says don't try suicide because nobody gives a damn and it'skind of true. In that sense, I think...

...what confuses a lot of people aboutsuicide. Is that those of us who consider it or think about it? It's notto hurt anybody's feelings. It's to end the perpetual and recycling misery thatwe can't seem to escape when our mind locks into that kind of downward vortex, sometimes we'll shake ourselves out ofthe FORTEX, but this vortex starts sucking everything into it that and colors it negatively. So it'll take your favorite, music ormovies or TV shows or people or whatever is around you that normallymake you feel good. ANDIT will turn that into bad. Somehow anything anybodygood says to you. This negative vortex will suck it into the negative columnand make that complement bad news. It just I don't know it's dismal, like I'mclearly aware when it's happening, but you can't get out of it. I would likenit to...

...a sneeze, maybe or I'm not epileptic, but I've beenwith people who have had epileptic fits and maybe kind of like that. So when you the kind of depression, Ihave, and I mean Bipol or not, just because the medsdon't work doesn't mean it's not bi polar, but so, let's ads spy, polar andI'm experiencing rapid cycling from yesterday's Super Depression to today'smedium Hypomenio, regardless those meds don't work, but whatever we call itwhatever you want to label it, it's still episodic and that it occurswithout it just happens without warning. Like a sneeze, let's say there arecauses to a sneeze, but you don't always know there's pollen in the airor you don't realize you just inhale a little bit too much pepper. While youwere cooking or something there's a cause for, let's call it my brainsneeze as well, and my brains knees, meaning a mood swing, that's eitherextremely high or low, and since I...

...can't control those episodes anymorethan you could control ha sneeze or any anymore than I coan control mes forthat matter. I would hope that that explains to beginners and offices in the mentalhealth wealm that things that appear to becontrollable, behavior from the outside are not controllable from the insideand we're doing the best we can well. Most of the time I mean I don'talways do the best. I can, of course nobody does, but I definitely try and the me that I present to the world man.I suffer and sacrifice so much to present that normal image to the worldand people just don't know how much people with mental illnesseshave overcome, and we don't. Nobody gets points on what you vote. forcomeeveryone oonly gets points on what you can show the world that you'veaccomplished, not what you've overcome.

So it's always a constant struggle formental people with mental illness mentally ill. Whatever to feelrecognized at all, because we do so much work and it's so exhausting justto appear normal, that feels like it just never pays off.So that's how you get depressed, that's how you get suicidal! It's like well,fuck! All this work, I'm exhausted just to appear normal, I'm never going toget ahead. Nobody hears me, nobody engages it'slike fuck, it is fuck it all that I mean that's how it gets that's. Well,I'm saying that's that's how it gets to be that bad, and so what I'm saying iswhen you feel suicidal or when I personally feel suicidal it's just because I want to go it's like I'mdone with this party, you ever been a place where just gunes like this. Okay,I get it. I see how everyone thinks of me here, fuck this, I'm leaving. It feels like that. Wouth life ik itit's just going to be the same thing over and over and over again, no matterhow you try to change the script or...

...control your own fate. It seems likethe only way to get out of it is to end it and of course that's not the answerso hope you're, not thinking of that, because it's holiday and everyone hatesyou or what whatever not everybody. It's not always this kind ofgeneralized Throwin Word Ron like nobody likes me or everybody hates me. It's going to be this way forever. Well,clearly, it's not. I was in a Shitty shitty moved yesterday and I'm only ina yea yeah mood today. So that's a huge improvement, Donch! Think and Oh here, let's talk about somethingactually interesting. Remember the transcranial direct current stimulationdevice. That would be the t DCS. So I got that and it's from a companycalled lifted. Li F T I D lifted...

Nero stimulation device, so you can go to get liftedcom and readup about it. They loaned it to me or gave it to him,and I don't know it just they just sent it out. So I'm just testing it as honestly as I can, I don't, I might have to send it backor pay for it. I don't know anyway. Let me tell you about it, so I got it Friday night and read the instructions. So I startedSaturday it's now Wednesday, so I did it Saturday, saday Monday, this or fivedays right and here's what I found so far. So it's fairly elegant sleek lightweight, looking device, it's comfortable fits on your head,it's kind of weird, so if you've ever ever seen a movie like Shaker or anyprison movie where they execute people with an electric chair, you'll see theyput like sponges around either on their head or whatever to help conduct theelectricity.

Well, this thing as the same concept,except these are more kind of sterile looking. They look like with his little cotton pads that youscrub your makeup off with those little circles. They look kind of like that, alittle bit thicker and their kind of high quality, surgical, sponges. So yeasoak these things under the sink or I use you know the little filter onthe end of the Sik make sure you use clean water is what I'm sayingbasically just want to soak them to get them into a more fluffy wet state. Then you make a little mixture ofsailing solution. They give you a little measured. Scooper you put tablesalt in. There poured into little shaker bottle six IG Ace, and now you rewet the kind of moist sponges withthe sailing solution, shake out any loose water. So it's notsopping...

...and they kind of fit perfectly intothese little circular disks on the headband thing. So then you just I went into thebathroom merror. You know looked at my head and put it about two fingersdistance above your brow line, pretty much as high up your head as you can doit without getting on top of your hair, and I made the mistake: The first twonights that okay there's a button on the bottom right. So when you push from the bottom upwards, it feels like you're going to push theheadband off your head right. So of course, ' to steady it. I put myfingers on the top too, while I use my thumb well that caused a different circuit, and I sparked myselfthe first couple of nights, and it is very similar to that that little sparkyou get when you put a nine vault on those little square batteries on yourtongue, that little shock yeah was the same thing on my forehead twice until Irealized what I was doing so basically just push the button very gently fromthe bottom for two seconds, not so hard,...

...so it pushes it off your head, but justenough so it pushes the button for two seconds. It beeps up no sparks noproblem and it starts it call it it. It's warmup period for thirty secondsheats, not a accurate measure of what it's doing. I'm not exactly sure whatit's doing. I think it's incrementally increasing the voltage going throughyour head and for the first, maybe three to five minutes. It makes yourhead ith right around the area where the electricityis going into your brain,so it makes you want to itch but shouldn't like move or touch the device.So you kind of just got a itch around your head where there is no device andit's fine. So after my head gets used to it now, I'm played some video games watcha little video you know, did computer work or whateverfor the twenty minutes and at the end of twenty minutes and by the way afterthe itchy thing you know goes away. It...

...kind of naturally goes away. I guessthrough the process you just get used to it and you can't feel anything. Youliterally feel nothing as long as you don't have the band strap too hard toyour head. You know you're not going to feel nly pressbere. It just feels likenothing and then at the end of the twenty minutes to hear a beeper,accountdown, beeper starts and T. basically, thirty seconds is in inthirty seconds it lowers the increments and at the very end you hear adifferent tone and it's off n. You can safely remove it from your head withoutthe little spark on your forehead. You go clean out. The salent solution fromthe sponges set a montorpaper taw the dry and set the device on a shelf. Youknow to use the next day, so I've used it for the past five daysand, like I talked about the other day, part of their marketing material saysit will take healthy people and make them more alert and possibly morecreative. Now I have a dhd. I don't need to be more alert in that sense,but my experiment is to see if this...

...device wakes up that traffic cop in mybrain, the way adhdmeds like concerda would and also this has been tested by scientist and medical doctors andwith wouldn't call it proof, but yeah. It'sprove I mean, there's evidence that it works for depression, which is what I'mdealing with right now. So I've done it for the past five days. I've had my traditional highs and lows, but there they've been more minimal. Idon't know if it's just due to the situation, I'm in if I feel morecomfortable about life or whatever, but I don't feel any worse than I normallywould during a holiday I'm not taking up drinking I'm not a big drinker. Ijust I just don't drink. I guess is the best way to say it in the rightsituation. I'd have me a hard, sider or maybe shot us some alcohol, I'm notreally into it. That much anymore, like...

...at all. I like Hav drink like two years.I think I' just thought about it. The other day like Damn. Why haven't? Idrank Nah? Just mood hasn't hit me not really not my thing anymore, so I'm holding it together there, I'mnot over indulging in anything trying to do. You know, stay healthy, giventhat we're in a pandemic and alone. So I'm trying to look at thegood things to so. It's also thanksgiving. So I definitelyappreciate that. I'm not hungry, I'm not I'm, not hot. I'm not cold tperfect temperature inside I've got kids who are happy and healthy.I love them they're getting to do their thing. I don't know anybody, that's gotcovid, let alone died from it, knock on wood, the wood frame off thewall, so yeah there's a lot. I mean I'm justtrying to stay focused, and I think this machine this the neurostimulationdevice could be helping. I don't know yet will continue to see. So it's notmaking it worse. That's for damn sure...

...and it's a lot of fun, because it's ageeky little device and I like playing with Geeki devices so check out and getlifted, get liftedcom. That's what I'm trying now day five when to do day. Sixtomorrow and like I said you know, I'm just come on and do a podcast tomorrow.Why not it's what I committed to thirty days ofpodcasting ND, I'm actually starting to feel better about it, like I thought you know kind of. If youpodcast every day, it's like doing anything else. Every day it's likegoing to the gym. You kind of work out your podcasting muscles. You learn howto speak in the microphone more accurate to the thoughts you're tryingto convey you say: Fewer ums, fewer, SOS I've done this new thing now, whereactually stopped the recording and back up, because I talked myself into like acolasack many times and I can't figure out what the fuck was. I just saying,as you can probably tell, but anyway now I stop that more focused is all I'msaying and it could be attributed to...

...the nerostimulation device because thiydon't take any other medication for those conditions at all, so coolwe'll see anyway. I hope you have a great night hang in there. If it'stough, I know it's tough. You could totally leave me a message or email me go toJohnny motionscom. You can find all that stuff and I will talk to you Tomorga and now back to the wall.

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