John | Podcasting
John | Podcasting

Episode · 1 year ago

Another good reason not to try suicide? You'll feel different tomorrow anyway.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

My mood has improved from yesterday, and I give a quick update on the LiftId tDCS (trnascranial direct-current stimulation) I've been using now for 5 days. Hang in there. This holiday is almost over. Politics is almost over, and the holdiays are almost over. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Visit johnemotions.com

[Scroll down for a loose transcription at EmoDojo.org]

Hey, hey, to Wednesday, November, twenty five, two thousand and twenty. I'm Johnny emotions and this here is daily emotions to show I put together every day, hence the name. And Yeah, I'll do one tomorrow too, on Thanksgiving, to see what's up with y'all. Know, I noticed I've got a bunch of listeners in India, so a big shout out to my Indian friends. And I don't think You'all celebrate Thanksgiving, but you get the premise. So when I say happy Thanksgiving, it's to you two and Y'all in Switzerland as well. It's so odd when you look at statistics of a podcast and I'm like that's either like a server farm or something. I'm just like that can't be actual listeners, but it's consistent. Well,...

I don't know, I don't know. I don't really put much faith in the statistics of the downloads and where they're coming from, but it's fascinating to watch and if I do have a lot of listeners in India and Switzerland, you're welcome. Thank you. Thank you for listening. It's fascinating to me. This is today. This is one reason why you should not try suicide. Is because things change, your mood changes. So in this case things did not really change from yesterday until today. Through today, I just feel different. I don't feel so dismal, so hopeless. Certainly don't feel great, not even good, but fine. I'll take fine over shitty any day right. This reminds me of a Queen Song called don't try suicide, or basically says don't try suicide because nobody gives a damn, and it's kind of true. And that sense, I think what's confused is a lot of people...

...about suicide is that those of us who consider it or think about it, it's not to hurt anybody's feelings. It's to end the perpetual and recycling misery that we can't seem to escape. When our mind locks into that kind of downward vortex, sometimes we'll shake ourselves out of the vortex, but this vortex starts sucking everything into it that and colors it negatively. So it'll take your favorite music or movies or TV shows or people or whatever is around you that normally make you feel good and it will turn that into bad somehow. Anything anybody good says to you, this negative vortex will suck it into the negative, called them and make that compliment bad news. It just I don't know, it's dismal, like I'm clearly aware when it's happening, but you can't get out of it. I would liken it to a sneeze maybe. Or...

I'm not epileptic, but I've been with people who have had epileptic fits and maybe kind of like that. So when you the kind of depression I have, and I mean bipolar or not, just because the MED's don't work doesn't mean it's not bipolar. But so let's say it's bipolar and I'm experiencing rapid cycling from yesterday's Super Depression to today's medium Hypomania, regardless those meds don't work. But whatever we call it, whatever you want to label it, it's still episodic and that it occurs without it just happens without warning, like a sneeze. Let's say. There are causes to a sneeze, but you don't always know. There's pollen in the air or you don't realize you just inhale a little bit too much pepper while you were cooking or something. There's a cause for let's call it my brain sneeze, as well and my brain sneeze, meaning a mood swing that's either extremely high or low, and since I...

...can't control those episodes any more than you could control the sneeze, or any any more than I could control a sneeze for that matter. I would hope that that explains to beginners are offices and the mental health realm that things that appeared to be controllable behavior from the outside are not controllable from the inside and we're doing the best we can, well most of the time. I mean I don't always do the best they can. Of course nobody does, but I definitely try and the me that I present to the world. Man, I suffer and sacrifice so much to present that normal image to the world and I people just don't know how much people with mental illnesses have overcome, and we don't. Nobody gets points on what you've overcome. Everyone only gets points on what you can show the world that you've accomplished, not what you've overcome.

So it's always a constant struggle for mental people with mental illness, mentally ill whatever, to feel recognized at all, because we do so much work and it's so exhausting just to appear normal. That feels like it just never pays off. So that's how you get depressed. That's how you get suicidal. It's like will fuck all this work, I'm exhausted just to appear normal. I'm never going to get ahead. Nobody hears me, nobody engages. It's like, fuck it as fuck at all. That I mean, that's how it gets. That's well, I'm saying. That's that's how it gets to be that bad. And so what I'm saying is when you feel suicidal, or when I personally feel suicidal, it's just because I want to go. It's like, I'm done with this party. You ever been a place where you just done? It's like this, okay, I get it. I see how everyone thinks of me here. Fuck this, I'm leaving. It feels like that with life. If I could, this is going to be the same thing over and over and over again, no matter how you...

...try to change the script or control your own faith. It seems like the only way to get out of it is to end it, and of course that's not the answer. So I hope you're not thinking of that, because it's holiday and everyone hates you. Or what wouldever not everybody? It's not always this kind of generalized throwing words a on, like nobody likes me or everybody hates me, it's going to be this way forever. Well, clearly it's not. I was in the Shitty, Shitty mood yesterday and I'm only in a me know me mood today. So that's a huge improvement, don't think. And Oh, here let's talk about something actually interesting. Remember the transcranial direct current stimulation device? That would be the t DCS. So I got that and it's from a company called lifted, L I F T ID...

...lifted Nero stimulation device. So you can go to get liftedcom and read up about it. They loaned it to me or gave it to me, I don't know. It just they just sent it out. So I'm just testing it as honestly as I can. I don't know. I might have to send it back or pay for it. I don't know. Anyway, let me tell you about it. So I got it Friday night and read the instructions. So I started Saturday. It's now Wednesday. So I did it Saturday, Sunday, mighty. Thus a five days right, and here's what I found so far. So it's fairly elegant, sleek, lightweight looking device. It's comfortable fit's on your head. It's kind of weird. So if you've ever ever seen a movie like shocker or any prison movie where they execute people with an electric chair, you'll see they put like sponges around, either on their head or whatever, to help conduct the electricity. Well, this...

...thing has the same concept, except these are more kind of sterile looking. They look like with this little cotton pads that you scrub your makeup off with those little circles. They look kind of like that, a little bit thicker, and their kind of high quality surgical sponges. So you soak these things under the sink or I use, you know, the little filter on the end of the think make sure you use clean water. Is what I'm saying. Basically, just want to soak them to get them into a more fluffy wet state. Then you make a little mixture of sailing solution. They give you a little measured scooper you put table salt in there, poured into little shaker bottle. Shake, shake, shake, and now you re wet the kind of moist sponges with the saline solution. Shake at any loose water so it's not sopping and they kind of fit perfectly into these little circular discs on...

...the headband thing. So then you just went into the bathroom mirror, you know, looked at my head and put it about two fingers distance above your brow line, pretty much as high up your head as you can do it without getting on top of your hair. And I made the mistake the first two nights that okay, there's a button on the bottom right, so when you push from the bottom upwards, you feel like you're going to push the headband off your head right. So of course, to steady had I put my fingers on the top two while I use my thumb. Well, that caused a different circuit and I sparked myself the first couple of nights and it is very similar to that, that little spark you get when you put a nine volt, when those a little square batteries on your tongue, that little shock. Yeah, it was the same thing on my forehead twice until I realized what I was doing. So basically, just push the button very gently...

...from the bottom for two seconds, not so hard so it pushes it off your head, but just enough so it pushes the button for two seconds. It beeps up, no sparks, no problem, and it starts it's I call it it's it's warm up period for thirty seconds. Heats not accurate measure of what it's doing. I'm not exactly sure what it's doing. I think it's incrementally increasing the voltage going through your head and for the first maybe three to five minutes it makes your head itch right around the area where the electricity is going into your brain. So makes you want to Itch, but you shouldn't like move or touch the device. So you kind of just got it. It's around your head where there is no device and it's fine. So after my head gets used to it, now I'm played some video games, watch a little video, you know, did computer work or whatever for the twenty minutes and at the end of twenty minutes, and by the way,...

...after the itchy thing, you know, goes away. It kind of naturally goes away. I guess through the process you just get used to it and you can't feel anything. You literally feel nothing. As long as you don't have the band strapped too hard to your head, you know you're not going to feel any pressure. Just feels like nothing and then at the end of the twenty minutes you hear a beeper, a countdown beeper starts and at basically thirty seconds is in thirty seconds it lowers the increments and at the very end you hear a different tone and it's off. Then you can safely remove it from your head without a little spark on your forehead. You go clean out the saline solution from the sponges, set them on our paper towel to dry and set the device on a shelf, you know, to use the next day. So I've used it for the past five days and, like I've talked about the other day, part of their marketing material says it will take healthy people and make them more alert and possibly more creative. Now I have adhd, I don't need to be more alert in that sense, but my...

...experiment is to see if this device wakes up that traffic cop in my brain the way Adhd meds like concerto would. And also this has been tested by scientists to medical doctors and with I wouldn't call it proof, but yeah, it's proof. I mean there's evidence that it works for depression, which is what I'm dealing with right now. So I've done it for the past five days. I've had my traditional highs and lows, but they're they've been more minimal. I don't know if it's just due to the situation I'm in, if I feel more comfortable about life or whatever, but I don't feel any worse than I normally would during a holiday. I'm not taking up drinking. I'm not a big drinker. I just I just don't rink, I guess, is the best way to say it. In the right situation I'd have me a hard cider or maybe a shot of some alcohol. I'm not really into it that much anymore, like at all. I like having a drinking...

...like two years I think. I've just thought about it the other day, like damn, what having a drink now? Just mood hasn't hit me and not really not my thing anymore. So I'm holding it together there. I'm not overindulging in anything, trying to do, you know, stay healthy, given that we're in a pandemic and I'm alone. So I'm trying to look at the good things too. So that's also it's Thanksgiving, so I definitely appreciate that. I'm not hungry, I'm not I'm not hot, I'm not cold. It's perfect temperature inside. I've got kids who are happy and healthy. I Love Them. They're getting to do their thing. I don't know anybody that's got covid let alone died from it. Knock on wood, the wood frame off the wall. So yeah, there's a lot. I mean, I'm just trying to stay focused and I think this machine, this neurostimulation device, could be helping. I don't know yet. Will Continue to see.

So it's not making it worse, that's for Damn sure. And it's a lot of fun because it's a Geeky little device and I like playing with geeky devices. So check out, get lifted, get liftedcom that's what I'm trying now, day five, and when to Dudd a six tomorrow. And, like I said, you know I'm gonna come on to do a podcast tomorrow. Why not? It's what I committed to, thirty days of PODCASTING, and I'm actually starting to feel better about it, like I thought. You know, kind of if you podcast every day, it's like doing anything else every day. It's like going to the gym. You kind of work out your podcasting muscles, you learn how to speak in the microphone more accurate to the thoughts you're trying to convey. You say fewer ums, fewer sow's. I've done this new thing. Now we're actually stop the recording and back up, because I talked myself into like a cold to sack many times and I can't figure out what the fuck was I just saying, as you can probably tell. But Anyway, now I stop that. I'm more focus, is all I'm saying, and it could be attributed to the neurostimulation device,...

...because they don't take any other medication for those conditions at all. So cool, we'll see. Anyway, I hope you have a great night hanging there. If it's tough, I know it's tough, you could totally leave me a message or email me. Go to Johnny emotionscom. You can find all that stuff and I will talk to you tomorrow. And now back to the wall.

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