John | Podcasting
John | Podcasting

Episode · 1 year ago

New kid or stray dog/ The novelty wears off soon/ Now I am nothing

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Since my new podcast host (Sounder.fm ) transcribes the entire show anyway, my new epsiode titles/descriptions will be in Haiku ... just because.

New kid or stray dog/

The novelty wears off soon/

Now I am nothing

Transcriptions are available free at EmoDojo.com 

I'm ready to eat. You're going to have some Turkey. I'm waiting for the mayor's potatoes. They don't forget that gravy. Love the gravy. You got some beans? I'll take some beans. The go ahead. Little more than that. I don't care if that touch. I'll mix them up anyway. They all go to the same place. Little more gravy. That's a...

...plate. We're going to stop and say grace now. I now. I think it's time to eat. It's it's the whole podcast for today. I'm just playing, trying to do something to keep my spirits up, keep my own spirits up. I feel like a stray dog. Like never a priority, like if you see a like, if you want a pet, you'll go get a pet and you'll take care of it right and most of the...

...time you don't really pay attention to other animals. But if you see a stray dog running around looking ridiculous and just pathetic, a lot of most people would try to find its home, like where do you belong? Yeah, I'm that. I'm the one that that never happens to. So on the holidays it sucks especially because, well, for one, I wanted I had kids and a family to have holidays. I like holidays, I think they're I think families great and I like hanging out with family. However, ever, since I got divorced, there has been no family. Like nobody wants to hang out with me. I'm nobody's priority, you know what I mean? Nobody. When they're putting a list of people to invite to an event or a holiday party or anything like that, I'm not the top of anyone's list. Nobody's going like, Oh, fuck, yeah, we got to invite John, of course, yeah, Oh, yeah, in the whole room agrees like, Oh yeah, yeah, put in first on list. It's never happening, not even on the list. I'm the guy who people...

...find out did not get invited somewhere else and at the last minute, oh well, yeah, we have room, will make room now, we will have some leftovers, that kind of thing. I'm the left over guy and it's a completely fucked up it's a fucked up feeling to be the leftover guy. You ever been the third wheel out there? This kind of I got this feeling back when I was a kid in school because I got moved from school to school so frequently. I was always the new kid. Well, one are the things. Top of being bullied as the new kid because you're the lowest of the Totem Pole in school when you're the new kid, you also get picked last for most sports. Nobody knows if you're good or bad at the sport. The thing is, they just don't know you. You don't fit in, so of course, if you're not their friend, they're not going to pick you. So it's kind of that similar feeling. If you've ever been not picked for sports or pick last, it's the same thing with the holidays. For me, I guess fucking get picked last, if at all. A lot of people don't even think of me anymore, which...

...is fine and totally understandable in most cases. However, my own family, though, like up and down the family tree. My Dad, he's on the Shit List because he embezzled my truck. He's he put it. Let him borrow my truck. He took it up to the mountains and registered in his name, which is the same as mine, except the middle initial is different. And then when I needed it the very most, when I was super out destitute, he wouldn't let me have my truck to either drive it anywhere or to sell it for the money. He's like no, I need it. Like fuck, you fucking kidding me. I had to get the department of motor vehicles investigator on his ass and all this other stuff. So anyway, he's on my shit list and I would have thought my mom would have reached out to me or something like because one of my sister died a few years ago. That made me the only kid left, and I'm like, well, don't, don't you miss me? I mean I fucking a miss my kids. That's why I texted them this morning like I love you,...

...happy Thanksgiving, and one of the three texted me back, so I'm like okay, and but then, not only did I emailed my mom and I sent her a video like hi, how are you doing? Happy thanksgiving, and sent her a text to reminder about it, and and still nothing. There's like almost nine o'clock at night and Nah, nobody's nobody's taking any initiative to reach out to me, especially and including the people that know I'm alone. I don't expect like listeners or co workers at things like that because I kind of keep my life compartmentalize, but my fucking family knows and just seems rude and unnecessarily mean. Because who am I being compared to anyway? Because in this case, you hear, my own dad is an embezzler and my kids other GRANDPA fucking molested, you know, their mom and all the other daughters back when they were kids, not my son's but their mom and her sisters, were all molested by that GRANDPA, who spent time in prison...

...for dealing child pornography. So if those are the two other men and their family, like, who am I being modeled after as the bad guy? Like because I have mental health issues? That's it, give me a break. So anyway, this fucking hurts and doing whatever I can to stay out of trouble. I didn't drink, I didn't eat really much junk food. Today. Wandered around loss for a minute trying to find someplace to buy anything, and I don't know just because probably the pandemic, the fact that this is a conservative town to begin with, on top of Thanksgiving, man, it hard to find anything that was open. So I just kind of wandered around and look like an idiot. Sometimes, not hard for me to do. Well, I'm one day six of the lifted t DCS machine. That's...

...the transcranial direct current stimulation, the electronic device that zaps my brain, my frontal lobe. There's a specific part of the brain up there in the frontal lobe that it stimulates. You could look it up, get liftedcom's what it is like. I said, they don't pay me, not paying them, just checking it out, trying some brain stimulation with electricity to see if it helps my depression. And I don't know. It's kind of not fair, though, because I'm trying it through the holidays, which are notoriously bad. So the only measure of the holidays is don't kill yourself. So if I don't kill myself, is the is it just because I normally don't haven't killed myself yet, or is it because that in the machine works? I don't know, it's hard to say. Like I said, it's fun to try. Gives me something, gives me something to focus on for twenty minutes of the day since there's nothing else really much to do. Yeah, especially through the holiday weekend. I hope you're having a great holiday. I hope you...

...having no, I'm hoping you surviving basically, and so far you have. If you're listening to this podcast right now. Chances are really high. It's after Thanksgiving. So you made it and I don't know, not much longer. Pretty soon we'll have a new president's not long after that will start getting people inoculated against the pandemic and who knows, by summer we might be able to congregate in the flesh with other humans again. So that would be lovely. So yeah, that's it. Back to the wall from me. Take Care, fair lovely morning. Charlot, to kill yourself today. Think of rob that you've been missing prescription killer. Got Your blessings early for the latter.

Get the game. Winn. It's father lucky living just takes killers. And now back to the wall.

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