Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 11 months ago

First steps happen once/ If we miss them together/ We don't share journeys

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Haiku Show Notes:

First steps happen once/

If we miss them together/

We don't share journeys

Transcriptions available at EmoDojo.com

 

I Sunday November twenty ninth welcometo the Emo Dojo, I'm Johnny Motions, and today I'm feeling pretty anxiousand I'll explain why in a minute, but Ijust read an article- This is fascinating, so you'll probably hear this here. First,so listen for it in the next couple of weeks, they're doing a study withflavaxamine. Now, if you don't know what that is, that's a drug of the ssriclass, which is selective Saratonen up. How do I get a rid selective, Seratonan,reuptake inhibitor ssri, this flevoxamine they're, using in a studyto treat COVID, nineteen and they're...

...having pretty good results? So what I'm saying is that in a coupleof weeks, this news is start spread out to the major media and I think a lot ofpeople are going to get the idea o that Oh hey, I'm kind of feeling anxious andthat drug can also quote unquote, Kereme of Covid, which it's not, ofcourse, they're misreading the news. But so I think that could create twoproblems. It could put a run on the drug storesfor Flavoximine, causing a short supply for those who have been taken it andneed it, and the second problem is that ssrishave withdrawal effects similar to other hardcore drugs. So if you want tocheck out the dangers of ssri drugs and ssri withdrawals, please go check thatout, because when your friends on the Internet are starting to talk aboutFlavoxamin, Hey, this will help my anxiety, and I could get you know-maybe protected from covid...

...great just what we deed so be aware, beon the lookout on the news for flavoximine and covid together. Itcould cause a run on that ssri from the drug stores and also create a whole newclass of citizens who are newly addicted to ssris, and I don't meanaddicted to their their function. The addiction comes from. Well, that's notthe proper use of the word addiction, but their desire to stay on them isbecause the withdrawal symptoms suck so badly. I was thinking of anxiety and traumathings like that. Have you heard of exposure therapy,probably so exposure therapy reportedly works really well with manycases of trauma, not not every type of trauma, and obviously not every person,because we're all different, but...

...exposing yourself to the thing that youare most afraid Ofer. The thing that traumatized you slowly and in a saferenvironment over time can reduce the level of trauma or post trauma anxiety.You feel over that thing that initially caused the painn of the suffering inyour life. So I started thinking about well what about what? If my, what if Ifear dying by suicide, is it okay to? Let me feel those painful thoughts likeis that romanticizing death? It doesn't feel like it in the moment,but when I'm not feeling that way, I can kind of observe my other self. Iguess I don't have a split personality, but I definitely this me right here.The Oka me looks down upon thet depressed me. I know it's kind offucked up, but up when I'm in this condition, I see thedepress me and I think, he's a pathetic lump af shit, which is it's horrible tothink that way about yourself, because clearly it's obviously me right, butwhen I'm thinking about like how can I...

...just Kan, I go ahead and instead ofRomanticizing just get closer and closer to the idea of suicide, so thatno longer scares me so I'm just not so it doesn't bother me at all when I getdepressed. Obviously the trouble is that could be a slippery slope and howclose do you get to it to eluminate the pain of the thought of it withoutactually finding yourself in a sticky situation that you can't get out of EAS,there's only so many times man or are there that's? This is what it how itcame down to. It felt like I kept saying to myself boy, there's only somany times. I can feel this level of pain and just not end it, but are there?Is there a limit on the number of times? I can feel pain and keep living.Apparently so far, there's not a limit and I've. You know I'v endure pain inmy own mind frequently, and I just don't want to keep going, but I do yeah. So I'm feeling anxious for acouple of reasons tomorrow, I'm...

...starting new job and of course I was always thenew kid in school. I have tons of anxiety built up around that. However,I think this is a good fit for me. They think I'm a good fit with theorganization. It's all the right things. I talk about. It's not a family ownscompany. That leaves me last. You know if you work for a family own companyand things go south if you're not in the family, you're, basically fucked.But this is not a family owned company. It's a bigger organization. The peoplethat I'm going to be working for are youthful and energeetic. I like that and they're smart and they got a planall those things O and resources, all that's great, but it's just new justsomething different, I'm afraid I'm going to fail or freak out at work orsay the wrong thing or you know, there's so many things I'm trying notto catastrophize, but that's causing anxiety, and I don't know where my hate are. Myboys is I don't want to. I don't want...

...to call thim and bug him because then Ithink I don't know I feel like he thinks I'm like trying to look overhim or manipulate him or something because when he's with his mom all themessages I send in that direction, I'm sure getfiltered through her lens as well. She always says some some wise to say, but anyway I haven't seen him for awhile, and I was hoping to have somebody here tolike say: Good Luck tomorrow or goot. Lookat the new job or you know, like I don't know when I come home from worktomorrow, he would be nice if somebody was here. I mean it's not not sayingit's his responsibility. I mean just in general, it would be nice if somebodywas here to say how' You day at work. How was your dayat the new job? fucking yearn for that. I guess I'venot been paid enough attention to in the past, so I have an attentiondeficits that is the nature of attention deficit disorder. You weren'tpaid enough attention to, and now you...

...just crave it so when people say ohyeah, your parents doidn't pay enough attention to you as if it's some kindof derisive comment, no, you dumbass! That's the way we were programmed. Ourbrains feel that we don't have enough attention and sure enough. We there's anow. We gather people around us who don't give us attention. It's a weirdconundrum right, I'm anxious about my son because Idon't know, like I hope, he's not sick he's out in the world. I see news onthe fucking covid every day and he's got Ta travel on an airplane to getback here. So you know some covid anxiety missing my kids, I don't even know if my younger onescoming back or what I don't. I wonder why they don't like talk to me, I'mopen to conversation, but nobody talks to me. It's not just them either likethat whole side that whole area. What do you call it? I guess he called thatwhole social circle over there yeah. They just leave me out of everything and wonder why I'm the way? I am wellthat's why? Because I'm always left out...

...of all the you know, conversation yeah.You probably feel that way too. That's probably why you're listening to apodcast like this, so if you yeah, if you want you, could let go to JohnnyMotienscom and find my contact information and then you could say: HeyGood luck at your new job. That would make me feel better. Not you knowbegging for a compliment, because that's not really a compliment. That'sjust support! That's all! I just want a little support. Sometimes I feel myfriends and family give more attention to like a homeless person than they doto me. It's odd feeling. It's not like when you're young, you feel like Ohyeah, I'm the black sheep, like it's cool, but when you get older, you justfeel like like the old elephant that has to walk off to that fuckingelephant graveyard and die. That's a shitty feeling, especially when I'm trying to be hypedabout my new job tomorrow. So anyway, wish me luck! We'll talk to Ken aboutthe lifted neurostimulator device later...

...in the week, I'm going to talk to himpersonally offline on Wednesday and maybe we'll have them on the show bythe end of the week. That's really all I have. I got to try to go to bed earlytonight and just not stress out about tomorrow and I'll. Let you knowtomorrow after work, how things went cool all right, byht and now back tothe wall.

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