Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 1 year ago

First steps happen once/ If we miss them together/ We don't share journeys

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Haiku Show Notes:

First steps happen once/

If we miss them together/

We don't share journeys

Transcriptions available at EmoDojo.com

 

Hi, Sunday November twenty nine.Welcome to the EMO dojoe. I'm Johnny Emotions, and today I'm feeling prettyanxious and I'll explain why in a minute. But I just read an article.This is fascinating, so you'll probably hear this here first, so listenfor it. In the next couple of weeks. They're doing a study withflavoxamine. Now, if you don't know what that is, that's a drugof the ssri class, which is selective Sarotonin up how do I get away? Selective Serotonin reuptake inhibitor, ssri. This flavoxamine they're using in a studyto treat covid nineteen and they're having pretty...

...good results. So what I'm sayingis that in a couple of weeks this news is start spread out to themajor media and I think a lot of people are going to get the ideathat Oh, hey, I'm kind of feeling anxious and that drug can also, quote unquote, cure me of covid which it's not. Of course they'remisreading the news, but so I think that could create two problems. Itcould put a run on the drug stores for flavoxamine causing a short supply forthose who have been taking it and need it. And the second problem isthat ssur eyes have withdrawal effects similar to other hardcore drugs. So if youwant to check out the dangers of ssri I drugs and SSRI with drawls,please go check that out. Because when your friends on the Internet are startingto talk about flavoxamine, Hey, this will help my anxiety and I couldget, you know, maybe protected from...

...covid great, just what we did. So be aware, be on the lookout on the news for flavoxamine andcovid together. It could cause a run on that SSUR I from the drugstores and also create a whole new class of citizens who are newly addicted toss our eyes. And I don't mean addicted to their their function. Theaddiction comes from, well, that's not the proper use of the word addiction, but their desire to stay on them is because the withdrawal symptoms sucks sobadly. I was thinking of anxiety and trauma, things like that. Haveyou heard of exposure therapy? Probably so. Exposure therapy reportedly works really well withmany cases of trauma, not not every type of trauma, and obviouslynot every person, because we're all different, but exposing yourself to the thing thatyou are most afraid of or the...

...thing that traumatized you, slowly,and it is safe for environment, over time, can reduce the level oftrauma or post trauma anxiety you feel over that thing that initially caused the painor the suffering in your life. So I started thinking about well, whatabout? What if my what if I fear dying by suicide? Is itokay to let me feel those painful thoughts? Like is that romanticizing death? HMM, it doesn't feel like it in the moment. But when I'm notfeeling that way, I can kind of observe my other self. I guessI don't have a split personality, but I definitely this me right here,the okay me, looks down upon the depressed me. I know it's kindof fucked up, but up when I'm in this condition, I see thedepressed me and I think he's a pathetic lumpus hit, which is it's horribleto think that way about yourself because clearly it's obviously me right. But whenI'm thinking about like how can I just...

...can I go ahead and, insteadof Romanticizing, just get closer and closer to the idea of suicide so thatno longer scares me. So I'm just not so doesn't bother me at allwhen I get depressed. Obviously, the trouble is that could be a slipperyslope. And how close do you get to it to eliminate the pain ofthe thought of it without actually finding yourself in a sticky situation that you can'tget out of? Is there's only so many times, man, or arethere? That's this is what it how it came down to. It feltlike I kept saying to myself, boy, there's only so many times I canfeel this level of pain and just not ended. But are there?Is there a limit on the number of times I can feel pain and keepliving? Apparently, so far there's not a limit, and I've, youknow, I've endure pain in my own mind frequently and I just don't wantto keep going, but I do. Yeah, so I'm feeling anxious fora couple reasons. Tomorrow I'm starting new...

...job and of course I was alwaysthe new kid in school. I have tons of anxiety built up around that. However, I think this is a good fit for me. They thinkI'm a good fit with the organization. It's all the right things I talkedabout. It's not a family owned company. That leaves me last. You know, if you work for a family own company and things go south,if you're not in the family, you're basically fucked. But this is nota family owned company. It's a bigger organization. The people that I'm goingto be working for are youthful and energetic. I like that it, and they'resmart and they got a plan, all those things, oh, andresources. All that's great, but it just new, just something different.I'm afraid I'm going to fail or freak out at work or say the wrongthing or you know, there's so many things. I'm trying not to catastrophize, but that's causing anxiety and I don't know where my what are my boysis? I don't want to I don't...

...want to call him and bug himbecause then I think I don't know. I feel like he thinks I'm liketrying to look over him or Manipulat him or something, because when he's withhis mom, all the messages I send in that direction I'm sure get filteredthrough her lens as well. She always says some something wise to say.But anyway, I haven't seen him for a while and I was hoping tohave somebody here to like say good luck tomorrow or good luck at the newjob, or you know, like, I don't know when I come homefrom work tomorrow. He would be nice if somebody was here. I mean, it's not not saying it's his responsibility. I mean just in general, itwould be nice if somebody was here to say, how's Your Day atwork? How's your day at the new job? fucking yearn for that.I guess I've not been paid enough attention to in the past, so I'vean attention deficit. That is the nature of attention deficit disorder. You weren'tpaid enough attention to and now you just...

...crave it. So them when peoplesay, Oh yeah, your parents didn't pay enough attention to you, asif it's some kind of derisive comment. No, you dumb ass. That'sthe way we were programmed. Our brains feel that we don't have enough attentionand sure enough, we there's IT. Now we gather people around us whodon't give us attention. It's a weird conundrum. Right. I'm anxious aboutmy son because I don't know, like I hope he's not sick. He'sout in the world. I see news on the fucking covid every day andhe's got a travel on an airplane to get back here. So, youknow, some covid anxiety. Missing my kids. I don't even know ifmy younger one's coming back or what. I don't I wonder why they don't, like, talk to me. I'm open to conversation, but nobody talksto me. It's not just them either, like that whole side, that wholearea what he called, I guess he called that whole social circle overthere. Now they just leave me out of everything and wonder why I'm theway I am. Well, that's why,...

...because I'm always left out of allthe you know, conversation. Yeah, you probably feel that way too.That's probably why you're listening to a podcast like this. So if youyeah, if you want, you could, let go to John Emotionscom and findmy contact information and then you could say hey, good luck at yournew job. That would make me feel better, not, you know,begging for a compliment, because that's not really a compliment, that's just support. That's all. I just want a little support. Sometimes I feel myfriends and family give more attention to like a homeless person than they do tome. It's odd feeling. It's not like when you're young, you feellike, Oh yeah, I'm the black sheep, like it's cool, butwhen you get older you just feel like like the old elephant that has towalk off to the fucking elephant graveyard and die. That's a shitty feeling,especially when I'm trying to be hyped about my new job tomorrow. So anyway, wish me luck. We'll talk to Ken about the lifted neurostimulator device laterin the week. I'm going to talk...

...to him personally offline on Wednesday andmaybe we'll have them on the show by the end of the week. That'sreally all I have. I got to try to go to bed early tonightand just not stress out about tomorrow and I'll let you know tomorrow after workhow things went. Cool, all right, bye, and now back to thewall.

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