Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 11 months ago

Sometimes survival/ Is the best way to convince/ The world I matter


Haiku Show Notes:

Sometimes survival/

Is the best way to convince/

The world I matter

Searchable show transcripts at

Hey welcome to gemo dojo WedesdayDecember. Second, I'm johnny motions. Again it's like ten o'clock at night.Getting this podcast out man, I've been beat, it's been like tenhours away from home each day and I have athd by poler PTSD fucking, youname it check it off. It's incredibly hard. I wake up. I think I would talkedabout this yesterday. I wake up in a panic, not from a nightmare. I sleep,fine, but the moment I wake up like within ten seconds, I'm like there'sthis. The feeling of panic starts ramping up, yes, suck it up and get to work. I was telling my mom how I had hardtime sleeping because I was anxious and I didn't really sleep well before thefirst night I mean I didn't sleep well before thefirst day of the new job and then the first day was extra,exhausting and you do whatever you do on the first day of a new job right.You just hang out ND talk to people and, like you leave when everyone leaves youdon't like fucking, take off early because you're, tired or anything likethat. If you do, you don't have a job, I'mnot sure what world my mom's livingin, but instead of like being supportive, when I said I wasexhausting, she said so. Basically, we shated on through a Little Messengerand she' started questioning me like hy. Why are you exhausted, like I can'tjust be exhausted? I have to have a reason of course, then she I going toexplain to the reason that it was because I worked all day and ten hour. Well, you we work and thenyou got to commute back and forth it's easily ten hours and I think her retortwas there's. There can't be anything possibly that important during thepandemic, and certainly if you worked ten hours, you must have been tiredenough to sleep at night, like what what I just told you theopposite of that Shit, so no support there. She probablythinks she's being supportive, but she...

...doesn't hear it the way I hear it and yeah. I don't have time to get tohalf the things I want to do today on my own time, like Toctor Ken fromlifted about the neurostimulation head band, can't get to that today, there'sa whole bunch of stuff. I just wanted to get to right over there on thatcoffee table can't get to it. Exhausted it's already late at night, so joy, joy,fun feel, like I'm just been abandone on the ship alone, so got to put it alltogether. I got some feedback about yesterday's episode and they sent me anarticle on the silent treatment specifically, so I'm going to checkthat out right now and there's also basic well here they sent me an articleon the silent treatment, but what they were doing was remindedme of the difference between the silent treatment and a term called no contact.Sometimes I forget to mention things because I know them I've known them for a while.So I just assume everyone else knows what I know. It's that weird thing youdo it to like. You assume everybody knows what the letter Ey looks like andnot everybody does or whatever my point being, I grew up with narcissists, so I know the influence and I definitely know the reaction sowhen you're traumatized and abused or neglected when you have nowhere to gobecause you're a small child, the best way not to get your ass whipped with hestick or a belt or anything like that or just a hand, is to go silent. You just become silent.In other words, if somebody is directing anger towards you- and youdon't know why, then you tend to go silent, becausethat's just the natural reaction, if you don't want to get like eaten by awild animal and the jungle, be quiet and that's what the mind does so thatthat no contact is basically the only real effective response to anarsassist,because anarcissist sees their target... it's almost like a junkie and theperson being targeted is their fuel for their ego. When you stop performing andyou're not doing it right, they'll get pissed at you and they'll rage on you,almost as if you were withholding heroin from a junky. So that's the issue, that's why in the addiction world, obviously youwant to get the Harro and junkie off the junk. I'm sorry junkie is like a not apolitically correct term. I'm not sure what the right teurment is, and itprobably has more syllables anyway, so not intending to be rude to addics butanyway. So when you take a junkies fix away, they go, they get fucking get outof control, but that's the path to freedom, because then, eventually theycan get off the drugs completely and turn back into a healthy human. Being, that's really the only thing you can doto anarcisis to you have to take away their source of fuel. You have to takeaway their junk and the case of narcissist in relationships. Whoeverthe target is well. If you're, the target of narcis is the only way to getthem off. The junk is to remove yourself from the equation. Of course,they'll probably find somebody else. A new victim to become their new junk, soto speak. If it were only so easy. Of course, it's not easy. Narcisus rarelyever get help when you wonder in tha situation. So let me back up a second.This is actually where it gets super tricky, because a victim of a narcissist will go into nocontact mo they'll, go silent, they'll, go hide in the closet or run away or dowhatever lock themselves in the bathroom. That kind of thing, they'll just go hide th and they'll gosilent because they were attacked. Theyperceived that they were abused or traumatized some way, so they go silent.

Conversely, when a narcissist feelsthat their fix is cut off, one of their handiest weapons is thesilent treatment. So you can find yourself in the situation where you'rewith a narcissist that you may have been abused by themo or someone else inthe situation, and you go silent, you just go quiet and then they take offense becauseyou're no longer a good heroine fix for them. So now they treat you with the silenttreatment. It appears from the outside that you're both being quiet to eachother, but the dynamic is much more insidious than that and one good way todetermine like in the situation like that, especially because, if you lookat the symptoms or the traits of an arsissist, everybody has some of them.Some people are deep into it, multiple layers in and can't get fixed. So in asituation if you're not sure if you're the one being victimized and you justbeing traumatized, so you went silent or if you're the narcissist attacking someone else with the silenttreatment. The best way to find out is WHO's more reluctant to get psychiatrichelp, because in this case, tro narcsis never get help. I've never ever known anarcesses that will go see a therapist more than once they'll. Do it like on adare to prove that? Well, I'm not afraid I'll go see a Dar, yeah sureI'll see I therapist and they don't like what they hear. They never go back and if you're somebody who continuallyseeks therapy and gets help for all of the differentthings, especially in arcisistic abuse. That's one thing: You really should getther before, because you need some kind of cogitive and both dialecticbehavioral therapy both help. You rethink your thoughts and if you don'tget enough of it, it's still hard to deprogram yourself from narcisusticabuse. So I'm just going to read a little bit of this article about thesilent treatment in particular, since...

...this person sent it to me whent toacknowledge that it got here and yeah we're talking about. There is adifference between the silent treatment and no contactwith the narcissist got it fact. You can probably search what's thedifference between narcissistic no contact and the silent treatment soanyway, they probably did it, and I found a cool article here from themwhen the narcisistic supply source, a supervisy family member, lover, friend,etc, is providing quote good supply or ego fuel. They are placating the whimsof the narcissist, providing adulation praise, attention, discussed, horror orany type of reaction that makes the abuser appear to be powerful andimportant. The extreme narcissist ego is soothed when sources of EGO fuel arebehaving appropriately in the narcissists mind, it's as if theextreme narcessist were developmentally stunted at age, five, sooner or later,the lovor partner family member, whatever tires of the energy drainconnected with supplying these psychologically impoverist narcissistin time, the good suppliers of Narcissistic supplyed disappoint oreven create what experts call anarcissistic injury in the narcessist. The target sets say a healthy limid orquestions the intentions of the narcissist or request to compromise orclear communication, all of which are healthy communication tools. TheNARCESSUS, however, becomes enraged that his or her uniqueness is inquestion. Instead of taking constructive criticism, owningresponsibility for his or herd transgressions and showing empathy fortheir ego supply source, the Narcissus is incapable of compromise or any ofthe above healthy communication tools and instead lashes out at the meresuggestion of accommodating a healthy communication style. The target failed to admire thenarcissist, Pretty Pony and cowboy... of riding on the merry go round. Ion'l knowt, the fuck that last minemeans enter this silent treatment. So whatfrequently ensues in the relationship cycle? With the NURCIS is, is thepattern of idealizing dvalue discard and the narcisis ego can't tolerate theidea that his her core identity is not so important to his egofuel source suchthat others would question is omnipotence in entitlement, therefore,the extreme narcissist feels threatened that the target who, like a mirrorreflecting back to the narcissus that exist, is easing to provide adequatenarcissistic supply. The narcissis very existence isthreatened on a psychological level to the point that he fears completeannihilation of his COR identity. His Egos that fragile, the NARCISSES poutsrefuses to share his cowboy hat, jumps off the marrygo round and runs off tothe jungle gym, leaving his playmate mystified and spinning alone, dizzywith confusion, no more narcissas, Gon Poof in the wink of an eye. I get it.They got a kids on the cowboy playground metaphor going here: Okay in order to usurp, and albeit falsesense of control and reclaim some stability of his fragile ego. Theabuser suddenly cuts contact with the target. The extreme narcissyst mustreclaim an power in the relationship and the health boundary set by thetarget was unacceptable to the Narcissus Fragile Ego. At this point inthe relationship cycle, the abuser will cease responding to their phone calls,tax, demail social media and seemingly vanish from thin air. The target oftensuffers emotional eviceration through a sense of complete bewilderment andemotional pain, given that no opportunity for closure orclarification is made by the narcissist...

...oftentimes, the target is an individualwith high emotional IQ possessing healthly conflict resolution skills.The very quality and extreme narcissus does not contain within their fragileego. Extreme narcissist are incapable ofaccountability, compromise empathy, reciprocity and integrity, since thetarget typically has been love, bommed or future faked into believing that thenarcissist was her night in shining, armor or perfect. You Know Savior. The target is often deeply confused andexperiences the cognitive distanance, so common for survivors of NarcissisAbuse, the extreme narcessist, has suddenlyvanished into thin air, and such an abrupt whodini act leaves the survivorreeling in shock, disbelief and fairly horrific emotional pain. There is noopportunity for closure. The survivor is forced to create her own closureunless oruntil her abusers circle around like a shark for a hoover, whichis an attempt to reengage prior sources of narcissistic supply. However, an extreme narcissis willnever allowd the opportunity for closure and will continue to extractnarcassistic supply without any accountability to the prior oftransgressions. It's as if the extreme narcissus feels so omnipotent that theycan press a reset button and avoid any responsibility for causing emotionalharm. Some abusers will stay gone if they determine their source ofnarcissistic. Supply can see past their fake mask the narcessess Hav carefullycrafted and in the end, no contact with the psychological abuser is healthy forI survivor so that kind of brings us right back around to no contact right.So if that is a pretty deep article that was just kind of the MiddleSectionan, there's a hit's, a intro and a closing part tired of reading. I need sleep. I promise the guys who are keeping thestudio open for me tonight that, since...

...they kept it open, formulate I have tosing for them wat you kidding, of course, Fuck Yiuhave the voice of an angel. Are you kidding all right come on an dudes like I'llstep over there on the voice booth? Second, you yeah, whatever grab thoseboxes and do that like chest thing, you do. Okay, all right! You guys reade Forh,this all right, ceck check check cuckmmor. What aboutthis feeling that never good enough really it'n' wash out in the water or is it always in the blow? How much of my father am Y destine tobecome? WILL I dim the lights inside me just to Sandas Fastan won? Will I letthis woman Gill Me Doway with Jealous Love? Will it wash out in the wateroisit always in the Blod? I can feel the love I want. I can feelthe love I need, but it's never gone to come eway. I culd I change it. If ion in can I riseabove the flood Wellin Wa shout in the water? Is it always in the blood almost like my brothers, you, mybrothers, Wanto, be, does a broken on...

...become another brokin family to will webe there for each otheri now ebody ever Goo Welin wa Shoutin, the water, or isI oeasin the Blod and now back to the wall.

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