Signal Drops
Signal Drops

Episode · 1 year ago

Coming Out Crazy: Disclosing Our Hidden Differences

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

John talks with fellow podcaster, KT, about the positives and negatives of accepting labels and sharing your mental illness diagnoses with others.

... Today's episode is entitled Coming Out Crazy, disclosing our hidden differences, so check it out. I was online and met another podcast or named Katie, and we were talking back and forth and wanted to do a podcast together, but we weren't sure really what the topics should be. So since her podcast, connect with Katie, spelled with a K, connect and Katie as the letters Katie. So she has a podcast called connect with Katie which talks about mental health issues also, and I propose that we talked about the positives and negatives of, quote unquote, coming out crazy, and I was going to cut it up into a bunch of different episodes because we talked for like an hour and a half or so, but as I started to listen to it, aside from a couple points where we just kind of well, I took a break, take a bomb rip and that sort of thing, but aside from that it's pretty cool interview intact. So I'm just going to let it play. As you can see when you downloaded this particular episode, it's extra long. That's just because I found the conversation engaging and did not really want to edit much up. So, without further ADO, this is my conversation with Katie from connect with Katie on coming out crazy, disclosing our hidden differences. My casts are all about. For me, I don't I'm not here, like I told you, I'm not here to make a ton of money, like this is just a fun like making all these connections, everyone having these school, like you said, organic conversations that, you know, sometimes don't really have a purpose, but we're just here having fun, you know. Yeah, no, I totally agree, and it goes kind of goes back to that. Do you let your feelings out when you get angry or do you keep them in? And it's man and that it's the same fucking way like, especially with the podcast, because sometimes I let my feelings out and I mean to do that in that moment right like I have no other outlet. I don't go to confessional, there's not a dog to talk to around here, there's nothing that, so I just talking to a mic. Well, M after that, whatever episode ends, whatever kind of episode it is, I'm not sure if it's hyperactivity or Hypermania or spectrum bullshit it I don't know, because it there. They all blend together. But I know when I'm in an episode and I know whatever I'm doing some shit now, that I have bad judgment. And Hmm, but you don't when you even if you know you have bad judgment in the moment, you don't really know which decisions are the bad ones. That's true. So, yeah, putting there some podcasts in all this and then week later I'm like, I said all that out loud. I'm like, I'm such a fragile little bitch and like then my current self hates my previous self and that's so unhealthy. Yeah, and sometimes I think my current self fears my future self too. Yeah, you know what I feel that? That's crazy that you say that, because I feel the same way. I think about because I and I think it's a confidence thing, to which I'm not, you know, we're I'm going to just be all open about everything on this on this particular episode. But you know, like I struggle with confidence still quite a bit, you know, and I struggle with like being able to, you know, like wake up every morning and just be in this great, like happy mood and, you know, just cheerful and you know, want to be around everybody, like I'm not. Like I'll have days where I literally will just be angry and I'll just I don't want to really do anything, I don't want...

...to talk to anyone, you know, and it's nobody's fault, you know what I mean, like it really isn't anybody's fault, like it's really just it's me being angry at something and most of the time as me being angry at myself. That's the thing, right. Yeah, you mentioned fault and I a long time ago, when I first started reading about mental disorders or disease or when no dysfunctions, was the idea of blame and I'm like, wow, we don't need to blame anybody, nobody needs to blame anybody. So when, yeah, it gets really hard, when you're down on yourself, to not blame yourself. But it's also like when you, when you're starting to feel that way, angry at others, even though you don't blame them and you but you're still angry, people get defensive, I think, like family members. If you're angry, they'll think you're angry at them and I'm like no, no, I'm just erupting. I'm like, I'm mixed. I'm a volcano exploding on everything. I just happened to be around you, like. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry most at myself exactly. That's so frustrating because in you you kind of sense it while you're in the moment too, like you mentioned, when you get up in the morning, like and not even just being happy, but being functional at all. I wake up either, yeah, in a state of panic, like that falling feeling when you fall from a dream and then wake up. That feeling with me starts when I wake up. I wish I could stay sleeping, because the moment I've gained consciousness now, life starts rushing at me. Some days, and if I just want to pull the covers over my head, saying no, Go away, Yep, and you just want to lay in bed all day long. High, yeah, yeah, like you don't even care if you have any interaction. I got only see how people become homeless, like truly acceptant homeless label, because it gets so easy to say fuck this, if feels so I'm suffering so hard in my own mind that I just don't care if I go to work, I don't care if I get fired. I don't care if there's no gas in the car or Internet, or I don't care if I have a you just though you can't function. You don't care about those things. I guess it's like maybe I've never had a heart attack, but when, in the middle of a heart attack, are you worried about paying the rent? I doubt it and I don't people don't take around until. Yeah, I don't think people take mental illnesses that seriously because they're they're invisible. Well, a heart attack is invisible too, but he don't know. Seems kind of fucked up that you can never quite convey how much you're suffering. And everybody's level of suffering and what they can endure is different, which makes it, like I said, even from fucking week to week, my future self will be an asshole to my previous self. Definitely. That's hard to get track. Know that that's something that I do all the time. I'm always and it's and it's not even just you know about that, but it's like the the thoughts that I have, like I have the like racing thoughts all the time that I have to do this and I find myself saying I need to do this all the time. I have to do this, I need to do this, and I and then when I really I'm more mindful, I try to be. I'm not always going to be. When I try to be mindful in those situations, like I'm like why do I need to do this or why do I have to do that? You know, I mean this is the kind of stuff that I struggle with. I'm literally almost a daily basis. It's just like the it's like a it's almost like an adhd thing. I've never been diagnosed with it, but sometimes I really just feel like I have hyperactivity, like crazy, yeah, and that it takes. It's tough when your inner monolog uses those words like a fuck, I need to get this done, I need I don't know where that comes from. I have that too. Do I wait until things become a need before I start internalizing that? Talk with myself, because I don't. Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't realize. I think I want something. I want this, I want that. I don't mind. My inner monolog doesn't talk about wants. It's always neat, it's this, always suffer, fucking there's it's a pressing need. I'll fuck, I gotta got to make a new list of things to do.

I got so many things to do. Yes, but why? Yeah, it is. It's a lie. We're just trying to like a rat in a race in this capitalist society, and oftentimes I'm you know, I'm not anti capitalist, we're just stuck in it. So I'm trying to play the game. But when you have a dysfunctioning mind, makes it kind of fucked up. You've yearned for old days when they probably sat around in togas on steps and the grapes and just pontificated about stuff. I'm like, yeah, I would, you know, probably succeed in those times. Yeah, but not see it in yeah, and you're yeah, you're talking about like going B see, that's what I and I feel like that's a in kind of go under, like a spiritual thing. I don't know if you are spiritual at all. Sure, just going back and I feel like we're kind of, you know, like old souls, people that talk like that, that feel like they belong and kind of like a different era. Like there they would have just succeeded, you know, and just done such great things, because mental illness never really like people didn't know what it was. Then not differently and called an illness, you know, right exactly. We were like called disordered exactly, and and that's the you know, and kind of bring that up to on like today. You know, we people that are dysfunctional or have what we're talking about right now. I mean, there's so many different labels for, you know, so many thoughts and actions and behaviors and Oh, you have this because you do that, and and it's becomes so common for people to just put a label on you that and I think that that's what, you know, how we were going to talk about the pros and cons and I think like the biggest like a con for me is that I feel, you know, not with you, but I feel scared to even admit that I think that I have several disorders, you know, not just one, and I'm in a in like why do I feel like I should label myself with those? But I also feel like it's okay to come out and say that you have things that you think would be considered a disorder. For sure. Yeah, you know, in the hindsight, having gone to doctors for twenty five, thirty years, and that's not even counting the Times that I went as a child where I went once and my parents didn't want to hear it so they never took me back. But I put all the pieces together afterwards. But still there's like a good chunk of most of my life, from the time I'm like five years old and tell them twenty, five, thirty years old were I thought I was just fucking weird and like yeah, I was just trying to chase all these substance abuse things, like I'm totally a cannabis I love we right. Oh Yeah, me too, definitely now, but I don't consider after all the research and all the experience, this is one of the least problems I've ever had. There was a period in my life, though, where alcohol was a problem. When I was a kid, like a fourteen fifteen year old, it was anything I could ingest that did not involve a needle. If I could smoke it, drink it or put it in my mouth, I was doing it and I didn't know why. When I got old enough and went to a doctor and started seeing therapist, they're all like, oh, that's called self medicating. You were just trying to ease your own suffering, and I'm like, Oh, I get it, I get it. And then it was weird thing. was almost like someone flash the magic fairy wand and I stopped using those drugs because I think, oh no, it's whatever, I'm not suffering that bad to suffer the fate of addiction. Like I realized the risk. So odd. Yeah, no, yeah, that, and that's what because I didn't, I wasn't really I didn't get into, you know, drugs and alcohol until I was like eighteen, but I knew, you know, when I was like twelve years old, you know, till I was like sixteen, it started to really I could really tell that something was kind of wrong with me and I tried to reach out in different ways to my parents, but I don't think that they I think that they were just trying to...

...hide the fact that I thought that something was wrong, if that makes any sense. Like they just tried to put me in sports and things to try to to to distract me, you know what I'm saying? Like it wasn't necessarily something that I wanted to do growing up. And then as soon as I was able and I moved out like immediately when I was seventeen, right about to be eighteen, and I just went down that path of just just alcoholism, like just drinking every day, smoking, you know, anywhere from cocaine, just you know, I did. I did lots of stuff. I didn't do, you know, I didn't do a lot of pills and stuff like that, but I tried stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, I got messed up all the time, to parties and just take whatever people. Yeah, out for sure, YEP, exactly, and not hanging out with good people, I mean getting myself in situations that I could have gotten in some real trouble. You know what I mean? Right, right, and how many times did you not die? Like I can't even hate the amount times I said, WHOA, I didn't die, and then sometimes the people had died in those situations, like fuck, why wasn't it me and why didn't I learn? Like I kept at it for like ten years. He's like a fifteen to twenty four. Such a mess. Yeah, so, yeah, so there is something to be said about at least being diagnosed, but like, do you accept the label? So what I meant to touch on a second ago was that so throughout my say, young adulthood, I got diagnosed with all kinds of things and I'm like, oh well, there's pills for that. They all they're are like here's a pill for this, but some of the things there aren't pills, and some of the things it's arguable that they're disorders. They're just differences and you shouldn't try to treat them at all. So I'm like, well, what the fuck? They all have similar what do you call that? Symptoms? Like let's yeah, or they display because if it's not a problem that it's not a symptom. But I mean they all display similar attributes. Let's say. Yeah, I'm like, well, fuck it. Am I m just distracted because I'm hyper? Or is this manic episode that's starting? I'm like, what the fuck? Or do I have a personality disorder and I'm just making all this shit up and there go like or what am I? What the fuck? That lave? That laughing, because it's not, because it's but that's just, yeah, I struggle. Yeah, that same thing, like I'm just I'm like, oh my gosh, that's me, like totally, yeah, but at the end, at the end. I'm not at the end now, but I'm at the end of this fucking experimentation with medication, that's for sure. And wearing labels. I'm like, well, fuck, let's go to the core of everything. What am I trying to do and what it really is up? I'm just trying to regulate my emotions and the way I fit into the world. So what do you call that? Any of the disorders or brain different brain to functions? Cool, it doesn't matter what other people call them, it matters how I think of them exactly. And then I start to realize weight I'm just still a fucking normal Weirdo, like teenager before I ever got diagnosed. I'm just older and I know more now. It's great. I guess that's fine, because then you can make conscious decisions, but it still doesn't it doesn't eliminate the problem. Like if there's chemical dysfunctions and my synapses are misfiring, that's still going on, but I've learned to not overreact to that, I guess, is the best way to say it. HMM, do you, if you don't mind me asking, like, do you take any prescribed medication for anything? No, the last ones I took were concerta for adhd okay, but that started to raise my blood pressure and they're like yeah, I heard of that, and like because it's basically speed. Yeah, like well, I'd rather not, because they're like, but you can take blood pressure pills, like no, how about I take neither and just deal with my spazziness? And they're like, well, you can do that. It's not really affecting you, is it? And I'm like well, aside from the fact that I fucking move every year and can't hold down a steady job and people think I'm weird, Nah, it doesn't affect me at all. Oh my Gosh, man. Yeah, so they're like okay, we'll keep coming to therapy and I was in a small town and the therapist is like here, you can go to our church...

...group. Oh my God, you fucking kid might like that. That that's wow. I'm like, I'm not a churchy person the whole. And Right, I do not tell her. This town was so small and had way more churches than liquor stores, some like banks, and I just left really dejected. Oh my gosh, yeah, I couldn't do that either. I'm not, I'm not at not that. I'm not hating that any religion ever. No, no, no, it's begin it's night. More of that out of tied and not for me. Yeah, I tried I was raised by Southern Baptist. When I was a young kid, went to vacation Bible School. I think I won contest, you know, name and all the books of the Bible up till about, you know, seven or eight years old. Cool, HMM, Yep. He just kind of like it was that Church camp, however, questioning things. It really opened my mind. Here's the cool thing. At Church camp when I was about fourth grade, a kid in my cabin snuck in some contraband. He brought in fucking kiss cards, like baseball cards, but with kiss on them and they had like Gene Simmons spitting blood and throwing fire out of his mouth and, Oh my God, Peter Chris on the drum said, exploding, all this stuff. I like, what the fuck are these? Dude? I didn't talk like that in fourth grade yet. Blew my mind. Then when we got back from camp a couple days later, he turned me on to this album he had hidden in his closet. It was like Satanic Kiss Music and like Whoa Fuck, yeah, this is also like half superheroes, Half Rock Stars, and that was the end for me, like we're going to the dark side people. That's hilarious. We're going to the dark side people, and it was over. That's it took me a while to extract myself. It was a series of Sundays where I tried to coerce my mom to let me stay home with dad to, quote unquote, Watch football or watch the three stooges or whatever, but the moment she went to church with my sister, my dad would watch football and I would go upstairs and fucking rock out to my kiss record. That's hilarious. All right, let's take a quick break and listen to a little deep cut from the dark side. But yeah, see, I'm from from a little small town in Michigan, so I'm not used to I mean, I moved out to the city because I like what I would consider even you probably would be like, you have no idea what a city no, no, I'm not snobby that way because I grew up, I started in the suburbs. I'm just curious and I get kicked out of places, so I just will fucking want to go explore. Hmm, tell me about where you grew up. So I grew up in well, you know where Michigan is, sure, and like the middle. Well, do you know where Detroit or Flynn is? Yeah, both, of course. Okay. So, more closer in between Flint and Lansing, not Flint in Detroit, but I like I'm closer to Flint Detroit area. That's why I'm...

...saying that. But before, like growing up I was, I lived in between Flint and lansing, in between an area right there. It was a small town in Corona, you know, not a lot of culture, but the only reason that I did experience cultures because my mom, my birth mom, she she lived near Detroit. So like I'd go in and see her every other weekend, you know, so that'd be so I kind of got like, you know, a mix of both. Were both worlds for a little while, and then that's what encouraged me to when I got when I got older, to move closer or to not necessarily flint, but like grhand blank area. And then I started finding myself, you know, hanging out with people in the Troy and Ann Arbor and, you know, just exploring and not necessarily moving around because I was trying to figure my life out. You know, like I said, from me good and I had it. I had a daughter, you know what I mean, and that's what I'm saying, that's just how my world was like, just in and out of different kinds of things and going to college and taking forever to go to college because I was had what I am, you know, not afraid to say any more. Mental illness, you know, illnesses, I was say, going to college and trying to focus and failing and you know what I mean, just all kinds of crazy stuff. How do you? How do you differentiate those terms? Okay, so, for example, there's week say mental illness, we say mental disorder and we say like brain dysfunction, or I even say no right differences. But Um, go ahead. Yeah, I know. Honestly, I don't. You know, I don't even like to say the term because I there's actually a conversation that I was just having with someone about the label and the no label, because why do I have to have any sort of label on me? I'm just a human, you know, and I just act. We all act differently and we all have something different about us, right, so I just try to tell myself that, but I hate even like thinking of the word bipolar or Adhd or you know whatever, like personality disorders. You know, all think things like that. I don't anxiety, depression, like why does it have to be that? I don't know, because society made it that way, but it doesn't. But I don't necessarily like saying that it is a mental illness or that I brought that up, because some to. Well, here's what the differentiation I think is. I think if it's a illness, it can be treated and cured. And I guess what you're saying. Okay, that's if it's a disorder, you stuck with it. But then are some disorders miss classified as disorders because there's no negative out of it? But what society puts on it? Right as burghers in particular. That's one of the more popular ones that lots of people have. But is it a disorder at all, or is it just we're different, you know. But moving back to bipolar, for example, disorder, there's nothing that can quote unquote cure that. That's why it's so damaging when doctors say you have that. Same with borderline personality disorder, all of the personality disorders, there's no quote Unquote Cure. You can't really tick it a pill for it. But then backing up to depression or anxiety, definitely an illness in this context, I guess, because you can't take a pill for depression and if it's common depression and you work your way out using the pill to help you and get some therapy, you can then stop taking the pill and you not depressed necessarily. HMM. It's same with anxiety. You can take a pill to reduce your anxiety at the moment you have it. So I think that's where it gets muddy, because those don't seem as stigmatized, the things that you can take a pill and cure right, as much as the ones that, the further down you go into the discussion, it's like, well, those really that's why I started focusing on labeling my emotions, labeling my feelings, instead of labeling the dysfunction, because...

...the dysfunction gets changed, like every forty or fifty years, they come up with a new name for it anyway, like that's not accurate. Yeah, no, right, they and then they, you know, they did all different kinds of tests and back in the day, with people different doing different things to their brain and you know, and then we came up with medication. But I wanted to say, you know, touching on taking medication, you know, for anxiety and depression. And when you know my doctor and therapist really you know, you know, we think we have bipolar blah, Blah Blah, and we want to give you this kind of medication for your anger and this medication for your depression and Blah, Blah Blah. And I was taking I can't even remember everything that I took, but it was always a different symptom that I had. So, like, let's say, for example, example, you know, I was taking so loaf or something. I would have the side effects. That would be not the worst side effects of the medication, obviously, because you know people can have super bad reactions of medication, but I'm just saying that I would have other symptoms so where I would have to take other medication. Yeah, yes, is that? That's, you know, so that it would keep up with the medication that I was taking. And I'm like, but I don't want to be on all this medication like this is, you know, in the therapy like that. It wasn't doing anything for me because I just kept bringing up like emotions, you know, things that I didn't really think we're getting me. I didn't feel better, you know what I mean? I just I just was right there better if it's not working, it's not working. You have to give I mean, I'm not anti meds for any I'm looking through my notes here. Somewhere in my notes on my laptop I have a list of all the MED's I take. There's about fifteen there. At least half of them are antipsychotics. One of them in particular, called La Michtel, has a nasty side effect that I caught that nobody mentioned, which was meningitis. Yeah, see, that was one of mine. That was one of the ones. That is some don't even want to Oh my gosh, you got it. Yeah, yeah, we couldn't figure out what was wrong with me how I had a fever. My neck was just killing me and like why is my neckert? I never have headaches. So yeah, I had I think it's viral meningitis from La Mittel. Don't I don't. Don't quote me on the viral part, but it's some kind of meningitis. And you read the Black Label on Michtel and sure enough, Lamotrigene, whatever you want to call it, the same med. Yeah, that's a side effect that you can't have. It's rare. Most of people they worry about the rash on the Michtel. I never got ye, but I did get the the other one. Yeah, I think that was the one that she put me on, because I looked. I actually, because I always, always, always did research on the medication that I got. When I started to thought, you know, when I started to have side effects, because like something is wrong, you know, it's not just me, like it's this medicine. So then I when I started doing research, and it was that La Mictl or whatever. I know I was on that one and I remember looking it up in it said the meningitis, viralmaningitis, and I'm like, nope, I can't do this, I'm done. I don't care, like I can't take this medication right. This is scary. I it's not worth it to me. And just knowing that, it's almost like it hurt my neck, like I literally would like. It's like my Molo didn't change. I don't see it differently. I'm not hungover. What the fuck is wrong with my neck? HMM, yeah, that was I found my list, so check it out. Here's all the things I've tried for the various things they've accused me of, I mean diagnosed me with right abilify adder acts. So Alexa, Symbalta, depict effects, her La Michtel, Latuda, lexa, Pro Uranton, which is Gabapenton Sarah Quel. That's the first thing they give most people and they lose their mind. Try Leptol, viberate, in Cyprexa. Those...

...are the all the ones that had negative or no effect. And then I tried, with positive effect, Concerta, medical cannabis, riddling and Zo Loft. So what was the first thing? You said, the very top one, HMM abilify, and that was the one that you had the night of the all the negative effects on that list, you said Yeah, yeah, and I cannab it. Yeah, I cannabis is definitely I don't take any prescribed medication right now because the they just threw so many at me that I was just like, I'm gonna just gonna smoke weed and I don't know how in the Fug my fiance deals with me. I really don't, not going to lie to you. Sometimes I'm just like, how how do you? How do you do with this every day? Yeah, well, understanding. People know that there is a good side and usually outways the bad. And also you sound really aware right. You're aware of your condition. Whereas so many people that have mental health problems don't deal with them at all and it just they spew them out all over without any accountability. So you certainly sound like your accountable to your to your condition. Wrong. Definitely. Definitely. I try to. I always try to. I don't know if you do this or not, but I try to meditate and it's I struggle, but I just I make myself at least do like five minutes to day. I'm like, if I can do this, if I can sit down and I can do five minutes of meditating a day, I don't even care if it takes me a year to get this down. I'm like, if I can do this, you know, for a salad like year, then I know that I've accomplished it makes me feel good to know that I can do that. But like, when I've started to do this and I've started to get into this spiritual stuff, I've started to become a lot more aware of who I am and why I do the things that I do and that I'm accepting that I'm an angry I was an angry person. I'm not so much now, but right so, so you hang, you have anger. That's I like to frame it like that. You have anger, but you can choose to keep it or get rid of it, I guess, right exactly. And in different situations, like you know, like they'll be situations that will pop up, you know, on different days where I can choose, like do you want to act like how you could or do you know? I mean like I do, become way more conscious of how I'm going to react in situations and sometimes, I mean, let's I'll be phrase that. Fifty percent of the time, slip of a coin. Yeah, fifty percent of the time I can, you know, kind of get myself out of it and then it'll take me less time as if I was to react, and then it takes me about five hours to get stamp out of it and realize, Oh, I probably shouldn't acted like that. You know. So it's just, it's just helps you don't stay on path right, so you don't drive yourself off into a ditch. Exactly. Like I there are days like we talked about, where, yes, I don't want to do a damn thing, I don't want to talk to anybody, I just want to like you wake up in the dickt yeah, but I know that deep down and I'm proud of myself for this. That what it is. I know that it's just my you know, this this mental stuff going on or these things going on, and I need to just get myself up and get through it and, you know, just be be cautious when I wake up like that, because I have to be careful of the situations I put myself in. It's right, don't let it take you. Yeah, exactly, which can be hard. It can be really, really hard or challenge. It's hard to be conscious like it's hard to be like, I don't want to say whoak, it's not the the right context here, but it's hard to be conscious of the inner workings of your own mind the moment you wake up. I've tried. I try meditating, right, I tried the visualization, but if also tried the the mantra one where you say a thing or you hear repetitive words over and over. Yeah, spoken word or something like that.

The spoken word works better for me. I have a weird thing called affhantasia I just found out about, where I can act, I can't actually see anything in my mind. When someone says, okay, close your eyes and imagine an apple like I know what an apple looks like, but when I close my eyes it's just black. There's nothing there. I can't see anything in my mind. Wow, so it's so have you ever tried to if somebody's asked you? But like you could like draw something though, right, if somebody was like hey, draw something. You know, I'm I'm a brand designer. I like most of my living I make from designing brands for corporations. So it's yeah, I'm a creative person and I never once thought that I couldn't visualize, until someone says no, I actually see an apple, like no, you don't really see see an apple, and they're all yeah, yeah. I'm like is that, like, well, red? He's like yeah, it's red. It's got a browns them and green little thing, like Oh yeah, no, I just see black, just black. Anyway. My point being, when I do some of the meditation and they say picture yourself walking along a beach, I'm like it's black, this is dark in here. HMM. Well, that I can't do the visual either. And honestly, you want to know why I can't do it, it's I mean your I obviously don't have you know. What is it called? That you said it was a fantasia. It's like Fantasias with the A in front of it. Afantas it kind of sounds cool, but I don't have that. But but the visualization part and the the doing that, I just get distracted. I can't even meditate. I'm like will now, you want me to walk in the beach, and then I'm trying to see myself. You know, it just that was that was it with me, and I well, if I finally put it all together about six months ago, I'm like, Oh, that's why I get distracted, because I can't actually see what the fuck your it's like saying in a movie theater and everyone else is seen the screen and I'm just sitting here in the dark and everyone's like Oh, and laughing and clapping. I'm like yeah, I'll do what they're doing, you know, play along, because I never knew that they could actually see the screen. I'm like, Oh, you can, you can see something. WHOA HMM. But so. But I like the repeating things. When someone says you you have a right to an abundant life, you have a right to a bun or some shit like that. Right. That works for me because then like we talked about earlier, our self talk. If you jam yourself talk with the bunch of positive messages, there's really no space and in your day for negative self talk. So I kind of aspire to that. HMM. Yeah, I do mantras. I actually just that's what something just within the last few months that I'm like, you know what, mantras are just the way that I'm after to go to meditate, because I have a the the beads. So I just do it a hundred and eight times and I'm not going to lie, I get to like the halfway mark and I have to literally calm mind, calm your mind, calm your mind start, you know, and keep going right then I just because if I could, but and that's all it takes and I can do it and I and I actually like impressed myself. I was like, okay, if I can do this for and I think it takes me about five to ten minutes if I do the mantra, you know, it feels just so good to just get that accomplished and calm my mind for that five to ten minutes and I know that I eventually can get, you know, hopefully, to the point where it's half hour to an hour, you know, and then where I can consciously do it on every day rather than just for those five ten minutes. Do you think kind of my thought about it? Do you think that's why, like Catholics, for example, do the rosary with the beads for? Do you think it's for the same effect? No, do you think it has the same effect? It might, it might, I don't know that that's a good that's a good question. Yeah, the way you described it, I'm like, Huh, because I've seen like my friends grandma when his dad passed and you know, the mom was still alive, had to bear your son. She would sit at the at the grave site...

...for days, days on it, not like you know, unreasonable man time, but like two hours or so just counting, say, and Rosary. I'm pushing those beats through her fingers. HMM. Well, they're therapeutic. Know. Yeah, that. But now that you say that and that that technically and that we could go on to a whole nother conversation about like Jesus and in Buddha and stuff, because I actually like read a lot on them and how Jesus really was a Yogi and you know how he came to, like him and Buddha were actually the ones that we're coming to. You know, talk about divine and being your divine self and and, you know, your inner God and things like that. I can talk about stuff like that for forever because that's something that I really enjoyed way, I love and I feel like it's inspired me to, you know what I mean, to be a better person. But anyways, yeah, shut up, I can talk about that forever. But I was just saying that the the beads that we use, and you know, that whole idea behind it, I think, is really to just be to be a stronger person. Yeah, liked it's to be more mindfully strong and and to be and maybe just connect on on a different level. You know, sometimes people do pray to to kind of just leave the leave this world, I think, and being a spiritual realm for that amount of time. You know, I don't know. Yeah, and if we have the capacity to do that, why not try it? Exactly exactly, can't? You don't see a cat sitting around the backyard trying to reach a different, higher capacity of spiritualism? MMM, I don't know. Maybe, maybe that is what they're doing. I don't know what they're doing out there. No, that's that's what I'm saying. Like, I could have so many different conversations because I'm so open minded about everything and, you know, some people think I'm crazy and some people are like, yeah, that's totally I totally get what you're going with that. You know, right, right, some people willing to. I guess it's almost like a improvisational skill. You See, I watched a lot of Improv comedy and things like that and I think it's really neat how people will pick up the baton that somebody hands them, regardless of what it is. Yeah, so to be able to take a topic that you're not as sure of but today I'll see where it's going, I think is a really cool capacity of humans. Oh yeah, definitely, a hundred percent. That's you mentioned crazy, so that I'm going to call the cat the title of this podcast, coming out crazy, disclosing your mental differences. So you see us. Said, I put differences in there because, yeah, I'm not going to label anybody. I gotta include all of the the people who feel left out exactly. So, yeah, yeah, go ahead, no, but I was going to say, besides, I was going to ask you, you know, besides doing like the the meditation and stuff and cannabis, like, what are other what are some things that you do, like in your daily life, like on your task to kind of keep you, you know, keep you going throughout the day? I'm just curious if, like, well, maybe the until now, like recently I got a job and that is pretty well structured. Like what to my benefit? Right, because I don't have to think of what I have to do. I plot out what I have to do the night before and I go out and do it the next day. Done right. So my cool. That is actually helpful. To our earlier point, though, it's fucking stressful on those mornings where you just don't want to do shit, but you know, like a fuck, this is my big chance. If I don't get up now, life is right, the word living, or have totally catastrophize it. But so it has a challenges, but nonetheless that I have structured before that, like all of covid most of the year I loved coming up with new ideas. So I sit around and think of a new company, a new nonprofit, a new podcast idea.

So, because I'm a designer and working on other clients logos. Sometimes I'm thinking, man, if they only had this. Well then I pretend and I invent that thing. I'll go by the domain name and the twitter handle, put a logo up and I'm just fuck around make these fake entities that look super professional, but they don't really do anything. So it just kind of keeps my design in, my my workflow muscles in and shape. I guess. HMM, yes, so, well is so that's something. So you're talking about like the design. So you don't necessarily like always get paid for that. That's more of like a hobby thing that you do and you kind of just put it out there and then you see no, it's more like my asperger thing. It's the one thing I'm fucking super into because I do get paid for it. Like I get paid for it from a marketing form. I workforce every time they got new logo designs for, like I just did one for like a Easygo kind of market, like chain of truck stops and things like that, and a newspaper company and then their cable company and a phone company. So I'm doing these big logo projects, but it's not an up for me because it's so confining they want you to just do it like and all. And what really drives me crazy is I'll fucking come up with idea on a whim while I'm sitting on that toilet and I'll whip it out, like if they say yes to this, then they're idiots and like the next morning they're like perfect, all my fucking kidding me. So, so just has great. So it's but I'm like whatever, I get paid nonetheless, but I feel so cheap, like I'm like a hooker or something. But yeah, I get I felt like that before too with some stuff that I'm not and that and it's been good. You know, it's not a bad transaction or anything that I do, but you're just yea like. Well, and I'm not. Didn't really do much like and, and I don't mean to be smirts the sex trait either, because I support that fully. So sorry to any hookers listening, but it just it. That's weird. But no, it is my thing. I fucking I watched documents, like I just watched a documentary on a font called Hell Vetica for like the third time. I'm just into shit like that. I Su Whoa cool. Yeah, no, that's cool. That's cool. That you can get. I I'm weird. Like I'm weird and like find like I'll get a moment where I just want to be creative and I'll just create, like I'll do kind of not like logos, but like I'll paint pictures, or I'll get on CANVA and I'll do fun things for like my facebook or, you know, maybe I feel like doing a video or something, so I'll happen on Youtube. Like that's the kind of thing that I do. You know, I just I do I feel like like content creation. So, like, I guess what I'm saying, like I feel like a similar in a sense, like I do have fun with it. Is like, yeah, it's like you got to keep your creative flow, yeah, the open. If you can't stifle it, there's no way it's going to come out some way. Like when I my kids were young, I would wreck things because, like, like my son came home and they are starting a pumpkin patch next to their classroom right and I'm like fuck yeah, we could get like a Webcam and you put like my Pumpkin Patchcom and we could have updates and then run screaming out of the room. Mom Dad's wreckon it so funny. I just don't into them, like yeah, it could be a thing and like yeah, so my mind everything could be a thing and it's so exhausting sometimes, but it keeps me, you know, structure keeps me doing things. HMM. Yeah, and you just get some sometimes you get like super duper excited about it. That's how I get. I'll get like so, so excited and like I have to do this thing, like you don't understand the test. That happen. Yeah, fuck, yeah, that's a trade of adhd is. We have an affinity for the novel. So anything new, it's like, yeah, fucking love the new, and it once it's not new, you kind of gets thrown cast aside a little bits, like I'm boring whatever. Yeah, but it's a rush for the new. I love it. Okay, so let's talk about the pros and cons of,...

...quote unquote, coming out as crazy and what it really means to every individual, because it's so different each time. Right. HMM. So have you like on obviously on this podcast, you've come out as crazy? Who knows how many people going to hear this in your world, but like, for example, your fiance knows. But what about even like your family or your co workers or your old friends from school? How many people know what you've been going through, regardless of the validity of any label, how many actually know you've been going to Sele see a doctor and trying to work things out actually beside? Yeah, besides my fiance, he obviously knows everything, every single thing, and I'm my grandma, and it actually to like kind of on the side note on this conversation or this this question, I don't actually have a solid relationship with with my family. I actually only, you know, talk to my grandmother technically, and I have my daughter, you know, so her and I are good. But, like friends, wise, I haven't really ever came out and told them what I struggle with on a daily basis. I've never I've never told my friends that. You know, like I wake up and I have days where I just I hate the like kind of like the conversation that I had with you. I don't, I don't open up about those things. I just kind of blame it on, you know, the excuses, like I'll say, Oh, you know, I'm sorry, like I couldn't get back with you because, you know, sue in this or something like that, because you don't want it. You don't want to admit that. I can't relate how many times I've had food poisoning before. You know, great and and it's so and then I and then I go back and I think like, Dang, am I a bad friend? You know what I mean? And then I start to like distance myself from my friends and stuff. So relationships have and I'll admit this. I'll admit it right now, since I've been telling everybody everything else. Anyways, you know I struggle. I struggle with relationships, I really do, and I don't purpose. Yeah, what's the hardest thing with keeping a relationship intact? And I'm assuming like friends, aside from your fiance and a child, but like, because there is a thing, especially with our peers, people our age, whether they're at work or old schoolmates or anything. It's just hard to keep those going. So what's your biggest challenge in the relationship thing? I think it's just the I think it's the communication part for sure, because, like I've been telling you, I don't like to admit the flaws that I have or things that I do wrong. So it's easier for me to just portray that, you know, like I might have a bad day or two, but I don't actually struggle with it every day. Yeah, you know, like the kind of person that would acknowledge that you were having a bad day. So I don't think. Yeah, you know what I mean, because I kind of feel the same way sometimes to I'll acknowledge I I just don't know when people can notice it. Honestly. Right, look, right, I'm just because I'm me. I'm just being me, going through my daytoday and yeah, some days I might appear way more toxic than others. But if people don't say hey, dude, what's up, then I just won't know and then eventually that silence will will gnaw at everybody and relationships will get tattered that way. HMM. Or, you know, like just going through like I was there, for example. You know, just a few years ago I was just going through this like, I don't I'm assuming you know what you would call like a really depressive episode, to where like I just didn't know what was what, I was drinking all the time, you know. Again, like I picked it back up and I just kind of blew my friends off like I had no good reason for it.

I had, but I just picked up. I moved out, you know, moved out of their house. I didn't talk to him and it was all because of these internal things that I was trying to deal with. But I didn't want to tell them, you know, I didn't want to blame to them like what was going on, because I didn't know what was going on. You know, just, and I don't even like emitting this either, but you know, just talking to different guys that I don't need to be talking to, you know what I mean, that don't do anything thing for me, and it just I don't know. And then I lost a lot of I lost a lot of people, you know, a lot of friends because of it. And then ice, like I said, now I'm to the point where I recognize so many things, probably because I'm older, of why I wasn't able to hold those relationships, and it was just because I wasn't, never honest about what was really going on. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I have this additional, additional insight. Ecauad the same kind of feeling and more it started to percolate to the surface later, I guess, during Covid and whatnot. Is I have this weird thing where I kind of, unless I can try to unless I could present the perfect me, or at least the best me, to people. I want to put that on hold. I'm like wait, wait, wait, I'm kind of fucked up right now. I don't want you to see me so fucked up. You know, you never get the best to me, and I feel bad about that. Like I'm if I could say that to my mom, my dad, my kids, every lover I've ever had. I don't feel they've ever got the best of me and I feel really shameful that that they didn't get the best of me and they may never get the best to me. And it's so fucked up because sometimes when I feel like I'm the best me I can be, there's absolutely nobody around to share it with. HMM. Now I feel the exact same way it like I in for example, like when I'm meditating, I'm calm and you know, stuff like that. I think to myself, why can I not be like this, you know, like it it's to everybody out in a daily basis, like why can I just be calm and in collective, you know, and then I'm hard on myself. Then you hard on and and I think that that's why messes it up. Do you think being labeled fucks with your head that way? Yeah, definitely. There's a kind of a question when people like people say, well, was your diagnosis help or a hindrance? And at first I thought it was helpful because it gave me, I guess, cover for my behavior. I'm like, Oh, well, there is a reason, there's a legitimate reason, and honestly, it helped me not be an addict because I realized part of my behavior was based on trying to and the suffering with with chemicals or whatever. So that was helpful. But I get really excited about shit. Right when I find out something new, I want to share it. Well, when one of the things you have is a mental disorder at the time, one of the symptoms of is poor judgment, and then you start sharing with everybody your mental disorder. Well, that's where I think I really made a mistake, like I wouldn't have shared it with half the people because I was sharing it with everybody. I do it now anonymously. That's why I don't really put my face all over the place and I don't use my real last name or anything. HMM, because I've still feel it's important for people to share, but man, you got to really be careful with who you share with. No, you do definitely, and that and that's another thing too, is that I think that a part of you know, whatever we're true, whatever we're, call our differences where. I'm going to call it that, our differences that we have in our brains. You know, just, I don't know, just thinking about trying to explain it to somebody, you almost feel stupid, you know, like you don't necessarily I don't want to say the word stupid, but yeah, no, I mean if you feel it, that's fine. No, they're not going to get it. Like I just feel like, okay, I know you're...

...not going to get it, so why should I say here and explain it to you, because you're either going to say, Oh, you know, you're fine, like whatever, like move on, you know, because I've had people say that, or, you know, people get so into it, but they're like, oh my gosh, like do you think it's this, and do you have you tried this? And then you're like you don't want to hear it. Yeah, everybody wants to fix you. Like yeah, like the stubbornness. That's what I was trying to get at as how stubborn I am. I'm stupid, stubborn like and the maybe it's a woman thing, I don't know, but I have. I've literally been this way since I've been three years old. You can ask my grandma. Like, literally stubborn to the core and I hate it, you know. And that, I feel like, as a big part of the relationships too, is you know, with me expressing myself to people, is like, I don't want to hear what you have to say about it or tell me how to fix it or tell me to this. No, that's valid, though. I mean sometimes, yeah, we just want to be heard because, I mean if I can't, if I if a doctor wasn't able to fix it, if a dozen doctors weren't able to fix it and all these meds that I listed weren't able to fix it, I don't expect my best friend to fix it, or my mom or my kids or anything, but I do expect them to hear me out and listen and try to understand either. Then not even try that hard. Mean just pop open the internet once in a while and look up pick an ailment, you know, look into it and try to understand that that is real and it's not. It's not a gimmick or anything. What someone's going to have a gimmick? Like I got a mental disorder for fucking thirty years. Who? Who Do that? Doesn't make any sense, I know. And, yeah, and I and I don't like in like you when you were going back to when you said was it helpful back then? Yeah, I thought it was helpful. But like now, I tried, you everything I can to not even use the word bipolar, Adhd, hyperactive manic depress that, you know, I don't even want to use. And those words I don't I don't think. I go the other direction sometimes, like I use the sling for some of these terms and a people in the mental health field get angry at me because I'm using slang for a crazy or spas or things like this. Did you know in the UK the word spas is as offensive as the word cunt is in America? Oh Wow, no, I did not know that. But it's flipped because in the UK cunt isn't that fucking offensive? And like, we'll see the week. We just have a difference of opinion. I'm going to keep saying spas and I'm going to refrain from the sea word. As much as possible, except that example. So I mean the words are just fun. Some kind of like the homosexual community took back gay and fag and things like this. Right. We don't normally say them, but they're free to use them and all of the any kind of movement takes back their words, and I think it's fine for people with any kind of mental style to take back the words and use them as you as you feel. HMM. Yeah, no, totally, because I I mean I'm a believer in words are I mean it's so hard to say this like nowadays, but like, if you really, really really think about it, like words are just words and you can use them. It's in the context and the way that you're carrying that word. Yeah, for sure to do. You know, like you can, like I can say you know, you're an Asshole, like or like you're an asshole. You know, I mean like you're so much you know, just like just that, like they're just so much differently in the words they write in contacts, because I live in Oklahoma now and if when you're talking to some people and they say they you know clearly that they mean black people and they're fucking racist. You know what I mean, so words are like knives. They could be used to butter your toast or stab somebody in the heart. Words can hold the power, but the person saying them is where the power comes from. So, as people who you know experience these differences, I think it's important that we take back the labels and say things how we wish. Yeah, definitely. This show originally was called bipolar style, because there I'm like, is it a disorder? I don't know. Aside from sitting in my closet in the dark when I'm super depressed and cry my eyes out, the other parts not so bad. It kind of helps me...

...functioning get over the lowness of the depression. So it's almost in balance. Balanced, I guess, is the way I'm saying. So the ups and downs, the highs and lows, if you were to stretch them out over time, equal one flat line. So I live life a little more high and loath than a flat line. But you know, look at the EKG machine. If you're flat lined, you're dead. That's a good way. That's definitely a good comparison. Up and down, up and down, a little bit up and here of the yeah, well, it's fun to think of that way. It's like, yeah, you normal people are just living a flat line life, bordering exactly exactly. But another thing I was going to say too, is I did come out to old boss of mine. I am actually self employed now, but I came out to an old boss of mine about being, you know, I use the label like I'm bipolar, and this is what I struggle with. Because she she came to me and she was like, I noticed that you're starting, like things are starting to get tough for you, and I notice you're coming in later and, you know, like you're taking advantage of like leaving earlier and things like that. And so I had to talk and I just started crying. I was like, well, now I have to say something because I just started crying. I wasn't talking and I just started burst sing out in tears and I just was like, you know, I struggle with just all of these emotions and I just came out and I told her and like, in that moment I felt like it wasn't necessarily because I felt comfortable. I think is because I thought I wasn't lose my job right, you know what I mean? So and in and I don't know if you know this and I'm sure you probably do, but like in applications they will ask you if you struggle with the mental what I would do they say in the application instead of a mental disability or something like that. Yeah, like something like that, and they will they will put, you know, they put my polar and things like that on there, and I'm like and it's like, yeah, I'm gonna admit this now, sure, of course, right up fry, right, and that kind of like and when I saw that, because you know, I've was in and out. I've worked since I've been fifteen, you know, so I know what job applications look like. An overtime. It changed, and I'm thinking of myself, like why are you asking people this? Yeah, and they ask it's like, well, this doesn't really count. We don't keep track of this stuff, but we're going to ask are you bipolar? Are you an Indian? Are you this? And like what? Who the fuck wants to know? Right, and I did right exactly. So I'm just like thinking to myself, like who is going to get this information and who wants to know if I'm if I struggle, you know, with what people, if you're asking me this question, you must think it matters, right, it must matter to you I have this or not. So then I got kind of judgmental in the workforce, thinking like I don't want to work for anybody because I'm going to have to admit that I have something. Do I have to admit it, you know. And this is where the cons come in. That's why I'm saying I cons, because people, there's, I know there's thousands, millions of other people that struggle. I mean, maybe not millions, but you know thousands of people that struggle with these same things. Not Exact same they don't have the same story, you know, but they feel that same type of way. Looking at a job application, like are you, like, are you fucking serious, like right, really tell you this? Yeah, like and then, and then you get emotional about it, like I don't even want to admit to anybody. So especially. Okay, let's dig just a one step deeper on the bipolar disorder specifically, because that was probably the most damaging and most controversial diagnosis I've ever had in my life. All right, shared that. Like I said, I was excited. I found an answer. It's okay, everybody, I'm not an asshole. It just have bipolar disorder. So apparently everyone's like, yeah, we figured fucking asshole look great. Thanks for your support anyway. So I left town and went left from San Francisco to Los Angeles, where I went to work for okay, millennial run company, super cool, loved it. Texa Tech Company, like we built software and we had...

...no conference tables anywhere in the office. Was All about community and sitting and exposing your souls. So my dumb ass of course, says, Hey, yeah, I have bipolar disorder. Just found out. Skip to do I I just tell this to fucking room of fifteen people I just started work with right and my supervisors and the CEO of the company and all the Shit. Well later then, if you ever fuck up at work, it's just so easily dismissed up. Oh it's the bipolar disorder. It's like, no, Buntherfucker, it's like you didn't train me on that one thing I asked five times to be trained on. It's the bipolar disorder. Oh now he's acting up as the bipolar disorder. Or now this, now he's calling in sick, and now that must be the bipole. So you know, you just become everything becomes your fucking diagnosis. That's where I'm like, now, let's not do that again. If you know what I mean, they would have, everybody would have thought of different things if or maybe got to the root of the problem, if fifteen different people thought of me fifteen different ways. But the moment I gave them that Ammo, the bipolar disorder label, instantly all fifteen could come to a consensus that, oh, he must be fucked up because of the bipolar disorder, which you know, may or may not be true. HMM, no, exactly. Or you know that the on that side. And then on the flip side, to of kind of how we were talking about when you just you blame it on the bipolar yourself, you know, like Oh yeah, like you know, and then you start to think, you start to think that. That's what happened to me was I started to just be like, oh well, let's just because of this, so I guess I just have to deal with it, you know, I mean like our oh I guess I'm acting like this because of that. But now for you to say, you know, to hear other people say it like that, that just makes it ten times even more difficult to get yourself off of that thought that you don't have. You know that you shouldn't have that label or you shouldn't eat. For sure, you like it like in the end, does having the label do more help or do more hurt? M So it I believe it does more hurt. I really do. I mean probably just from the experience that I've had. It hasn't. It hasn't helped me. Here's here's the other thing too. So it also depends even in your social circles what you have. So I did an episode recently on what I call this safety net that many people don't have. And here's why I like consider a net is a bunch of ropes connected where they crossed by little fixtures, will call them nodes, right, to keep them separated as a net. So each of those little nodes is a person in your social life, your family, your friends, are co workers, and then there's just a bunch of role playing around. Well, most of the people I know the rope is not connected to the nodes in any kind of safety net, right. So if you're falling, the people you know will not come together. They don't even know each other in most cases. Like your CO worker won't call your brother, your sister, your fat I mean there's obviously ethical lines, but still amongst your friends, they don't talk amongst each other. If they all say you got fifty facebook friends, for example, and all of them know you're hurting, but none of them talk to each other, you don't really have a net. Yep. Conversely, if you tell people about your diagnosis after you hit the ground and almost died, sometimes that net will almost become like a capture net. They will. You'll be held back. Now, instead of that net ever being your safety net, now you're stuck in it because people of now they've got you where they want you. Oh, he's mentally ill. Cool, I can easily categorize that person in my mind move on with my life and well, I hope he I hope the best form, but I can't help him. Oh my gosh. And that know, and when you were and you said when you met mentioned family. You know, that's another thing that that's exactly how it works to like you can not be really okay. Just for example, right now, I just know this is what would happen. So right now, you...

...know, things are, you know, going okay in my life. I have selt you know what I mean. I have some pist really positive things going. You know, I really don't have a lot to complain about. Yeah, that always acknowledge the blessings, for sure, right, right. But if I have, but I you know, we do have those moments, sometimes weeks, where we hit rock bottom for a minute and we just gotta you know, we really have to work hard to pick ourselves back up. But if I was to have this moment where, like I really lost it, you know, I lost it and I had to go to the hospital and I was medicated, guess who would be at my front door? My entire family, you know what I mean, like my Stepmom, my dad, you know what I mean, to be there to me, to be like, oh my gosh, you know, this whole time you were just struggling with this and you know, you know what I'm saying it. I yeah, that's awesome. I knew that existed somewhere. Yeah, and you know. So, so, basically, you know and and like you have this but like, but at the same time, you know, they don't like right now, like struggling with these little things that I do have. You know, they're like, oh well, you're just acting like this person. You're acting like your mom. Did you take your meds? Yeah, yeah, exactly, that's what day. Yeah, so it's just, I don't know, it's just it's so hard because, like, I feel like coming out and having that label and then telling, you know, telling your family, especially, like, let's go on this a little bit. You know, if you're depending on who your family is and how your family you know, how you were brought up. Like some people would really feel extremely uncomfortable telling their parents that they suffer from a mental disorder. And I'm talking you know, they expect better out of you. Yes, they expect you to be this person or be this great basketball player. You know, I'm just throwing self out there. But most other cultures to like America is unique and it's yes, in that will acknowledge it more, but other countries don't, like India, the Asian countries in particular, African countries, this is all like very stigmatized. You do not acknowledge mental illness. That is purely a weakness. It's not the mental illness, you're just having a fucking bad day. Get over wake up tomorrow and Change Your Life. MMM, they don't there. I don't want to say they don't believe in it, but they don't really acknowledge it. Yeah, and that go ahead. It's not a it's not a denial of science thing. It's a very entrenched in the culture thing, much like in the way that in Japan, Japanese culture, they don't aspire to be happy. The condition of happiness is not a thing to them. MM. So much in the same way of all the different parts of the world. The condition of being mentally ill is just your thinking wrong, think differently. Yeah, right, but that, you know, it's great as crazy that you bring that up, because that's something about, you know, with the when you use a Hindu religion in particular, you know they don't. It's not about like you're never going to get to a happiness. It's always like your you know what I mean, you your whole life like you don't. You're not trying to search for happiness, you're just supposed to be, you know, in the moment, every single like second of your life. Putting much like that, they try to tell you, like it's not about being happy every day, it's about being in each and every single moment of every part of your day and never, you know, going back on on your your path, and now back to the wall.

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