Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions
Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions

Episode · 1 month ago

If there is no proof of my past ... Am I even real? John ponders the Memory Hole.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Am I even real? John talks with Gary about reflecting with other people, and ponders whether or not he’s been thrown in the Memory Hole; Not fitting in makes us feel lonely, even in crowds; Pretending to be normal and positive after years is tiresome; Should we pay drug addicts to switch to a more socially-acceptable addictions … like religion or money?

What we have is a reflection like wehave another human to reflect upon to check that I'm still real. I don't knowif I'm real, how am I gonna, whom I'm going to check it again, some somebodyin Oklahoma? How does that prove that I'm real, I don't know so in my mind,you're an attachment to what is real, a fucking text back and forth with afriend from high school. That's like! Oh I'm real. So it's a kind of areflection thing to me. It's a in that sense. It does feel that's that's weirdyeah or a connection to reality, because we've all been boxed up for solong. It's like Whoa. Where is my reality? I don't have like photo albumsof me as a kid. I don't I don't know like how do I even know I have a past.So that's me in particular, but I think a lot of humans have that same thing.When we've been boxed up, it's like well fuck. I need some reflection andyou need an person that you know and trust from the old days from the oldtimes to check with it's. Like hey is this a real thought is this fuckingvalid is rational. Do you think that's by design, though, because you'vealways been that type, since I've known you that when you do something you moveon from it and you don't want to save it, I don't know how you mean. Okay, bestexample would be you mentioned that you do not have aphoto book of you being young. Is that because you chosenot to have one in your in your possession or just no pictures were taken? No pickthere were pictures taken. I just I don't have those albums your mom probably does. Maybe theyexisted in my ex. She had a bunch too they existed, but how do I know thatthey just didn't dump them in the fire pit, and now I don't exist in the past...

...okay, but why would you go down thatpath? Why wouldn't you be a little bit more optimistic and say yeah they'reout there somewhere? I don't really think about it. Thatmuch I tried to just establish connections with people from the pastinstead, and that makes more sense to me because I can't talk to photos ormemories or things of the past, but it's easy for me like. I know you fromthe past. I know my friend, you know Steve and Sacramento from the past sureany time I connect with people from the past. I'm like okay, there's someslight root of reality to me. Oh, I get that I'm just saying, though,that because my parents kept albums of photos from you know the timeI was born to I'd say the lab. Maybe ten years ago there are photo books to you now referback to right. You have actions, yet I don't have access to those. You do.THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE! That's what I'm trying to say! That's the difference. Idon't have access to my past and it feels fucking weird. But I'm saying, if you talk to your momabout it and said like Hey, do you actually have photo books of me and if she says no, then there you go,but maybe she says yeah of course. Yes, she might, or my not I'm not goingto be able to get to them. Like you know what I mean. So, what's the pointyou're not going to sell them to me yeah, I get that I'm just saying, though, thatI want to say that most parents did take pictures and kept them of their oftheir kids yeah that Yeah George Yeah. I know we tookhim of our kids with me in them, like there's pictures of me and my kidstogether that I just don't have access to so I wonder if they still exist and even if someone said yes, theyexist. There's no way for me to have to have any proof of that. I bet they do.Maybe I'm just saying meat be optimistic. Instead of being you knowlike Oh yeah, they're, probably fucking,...

...throw them away, or you know Burnhamand whatever. I I'm optimistic and saying that there's stuff out therewith you in those photos and with your kids or yeah. Maybe you know when youwere a kid too? Probably, maybe so I think there's an imprint. No! Actually! No! That's not the rightword. I think there's photos of every single human out there of some kind, yeah, probably just probably not allthe ones. I remember taking right right, you might you might lookyou okay say you can come back here for a visit and you visit mom and you bringit up to her is just like hey. Do you got photo books of me, your photo booksto the kids or Blah Blah Blah and she goes well. Yes. As a matter of fact,John here here's a here's one. I can dig up for you. Oh yeah, no she's gotlike a fucking rack full of them. I just don't know what's in them, youknow I mean I know where they are unless he's a rearranged, but I meanlike a gigantic bookshelf. It looks like Encyclopedia Britannica becauseremember she's crafty, so she makes like scrap book giant, covers andthere's probably more than just photos in there, but I don't know yeah for sure.Sometimes I think she just threw all mine away and kept my sisters. Why, though, because when I've gone over there,those are the only pictures I see on the wall. Okay, I see what you okay, I see whatyou're getting now now all right, it's a little bit creepy! That's why I get the feeling that, if afavorite one, Oh of course, but he was the favorite one and youwere the outcast only later in life, yeah teen years on right, yeah yeahafter they kick me out, though, of course I didn't become an they wantedto me to be after they kick me out of the House, go figure e!! you are notbeing all you can be. I just wasn't conforming. We well you to be yeah andthey would they were never specific as...

...to what they wanted me to be. I was Iwas just better. I, like that's an impossible task. You've really you've striven striven yeah. I think about that word a lot towhat. Why am I keep striving? What what's this about so being so striven,and I like it, that's not a word or Dr. it's not driven. I don't know it'sdriven. I tried to just try to keep stepping forward to if you don't have achoice but yeah. The lack of photos makes me basie been reading. Onethousand nine hundred and eighty four remember again and that's a big thingis like who controls the past controls the present who controls the you know,present controls the future so on an so forth, but a big thing in one thousandnine hundred and eighty four is they have this thing called the memory holeand its most buildings that are government buildings, because mostbuildings are government. Buildings in this future have slits in the wallsvertical slits kind of ovals a couple inches wide, a foot or so long that lead to a duck that just turneverything you drop in there into a furnace destroys it. So if you go to the Ministry of truth,their whole job is to go back in history and rewrite articles anddestroy the original articles and photographs and so forth and put him inthe memory hole so that history never happened. The new history is thehistory hm, so I often think him like well,they could just fucking race me his fucking, throw all my pictures away allthese thoughts. Sometimes I'm wondering is that way. I do a podcast because atleast they can erase this right right, but but do you, but do you think you'rebeing singled out? I mean, do you think of other people that might have thesame type of dilemma that you ponder Oh yeah? No, I'm not the only one forshare that get cut out of other...

...people's lives. I don't know anybody personally, don'tthink about it anymore, yeah. I don't know why. I just I've kind of settledinto my I'm going to be alone, a loner, probably the rest of my life. I've justsettled into that. I've become so comfortable with it that when people ask me or just like yeah,you got a girl or you know you in a relationship or anything like that, andmy response now is, I just don't think I'm relationship material in the senseof you know what they believe is relationship material. I I'm just. I domy own thing for so long. I don't, I don't know anything else and I thinkthat's kind of where you're at too it's just like God. This is what I do withthis is all I know yeah. I don't really have a problem with being alone,because I've been, I don't either. I don't e, I'm sign, I'm a lone ner, I'mnot alone, I'm a loner yeah to two different things. In myopinion, I have a problem with being lonely, though sometimes and it doesn'tmatter if I'm with people or alone, I get lonely with people or alone. It'sthat's to separatur feelings. You know what I mean me too, yeah yeah. Itotally relate M. Excuse me. Sorry, I think lonely is just the feeling. Theintrovert thing too. I think the introvert thing has a lot to do withyeah. If I'm around a bunch bunch of people, I feel alone. Well, if I'm bymyself, I feel alone. So there's this whole alone thing that I think a lot of us feel to meit's a feeling of not being understood in my circumstance. So if I'm alonewith myself and I'm not, you know, I'm just not present yeah, Icould start the field only if I'm with other people, though, and don't feel,engaged or connected or like a part of that or mostly understand. Oh my God,there's nothing worse. It like, if you're to say in a pub or a barn, youmake a joke, cut outloud, that three...

...people down the barking here and justfell flat, and now the bar tender ignores you and then some hot chickscome on and the bar tender whispers to the hot chicks and the you're thinking.Ah Fuck. Don't where that happen? Okay! Well, I'm just making up scenariosbecause I'm creative in my head, but you know yes so, just like anything,could just happen and instantly you're thinking. I'm totally misunderstood.There's now seven people in this room that think I'm a fucking idiot andthat's horrible. That's horrible lonely! Feeling! Okay! Now that's retreating inyour own head and assuming that that's what they're thinking of you yeah yeahexactly this is kind of what we're talking about or learning about in theself sabotage book. It's called mind: reading, like it's, a self sabotagingbehavior called mind, reading like assuming what the other people thinkabout you, I've gotten a lot better with that and not giving a fuck of what other people.Think of me, the only time like say, for example, I feel lonely when I go toyou know some of the the beer places I try and make mypresence known. Well, I try. I I ring be enough, there's a different betweennot giving a fuck what people think about you and assuming they think the worst. Doyou see the difference? No? Well. If, because I do care what peoplethink about me, but only if it's good, you know I mean so I care, if they likeme, because if they like me I'll, probably have a high chance of likingthem back and then we'll be friends, but if I assume the worst that theyjust thought, I'm an Asshole, because my joke was dumb. I'm going to dig myself a deep holethere, because I'm assuming the worst I mind, reading bad things into thatsituation. Right. The assuming thing is: What's fucking you up, yeah yeah,that's it's that's the mind reading. So so it's a bit different than not givinga fuck what people think, because yeah most people do give a fuck what peoplethink, because you're you're looking for someone who thinks just like you ordifferent than you or whatever, you're...

...looking for a vibe or a partner orsomebody to talk to so you have to project out to kind of like throw outthe the real into the room and say hey. This is me projecting that to day seewhat I catch. I hear that that's fine too, but what happens after that isproblematic like if you get no response. Sometimes it's like yeah fuck, thisplace or sometimes like yeah, is a stupid thing for me to do whateverright. But do you beat yourself up a lot onthat like, for example, when you say that you know you're in a place and youdon't feel like you're accepting you're just like fuck this place? Do you stoabout it or do you just leave and try and think of other things to do tohere's the thing? It's it's a cum cumulative effect. So it's I I willleave immediately, but then I'll go to the next place and leaving me Iexaggerated here obviously, but then, if you do it five or six or seven times,and you leave immediately pretty soon, it becomes fuck every place. Everybodyhates me see. It's just starts the dove tail into this fucking toxic soup ofself hate. If you go into everyone hates me a lot more than I wish to more than I used towhen I was younger dude like in my twenties, I was super like be MrPositive and I still can act. Positive people say: Oh you're, such a positiveperson. I mean that's just howin program to speak and motion, but wellyeah. That's the surface! You putting it out there yeah! That's my fuckingWest World, FUCKING ROBOT! Just doing its thing! That's you! That's your it'slike cloak and dagger! You know! That's! That's your cloak! Yeah! It's likeleave me the fuck alone. I'm trying to be normal. Okay, I made it past thatencounter starting to think of media like drugs, Smain Lining facebook and twitter andinstagram all day long...

...hell, yeah, Dude. The whole entire Internet thing is is like a drug. It'sjust a matter of you use it. How you, what your dose,how much to much you take yeah yeah, Seth Rogan the other day said it waslike her poison, it's death. He has to do in very small doses because herealizes it's just death. Seth Rogan said that Yeah City went through Sam work with thistherapist and he avoids it because he realizes you know smokes to so herealized he does some things that are not good for him, but he categorizessocial media as one of those things. So it tries to limit it a lot which I think is brilliant again. I think it goes beyond socialmedia. I think it's just the Internet in general. Well and humans addictivenature. Here's a thing- and I think, Lai hold on me- got a drink. My I'mgetting a little cotton mouth and I hear it in the Mike m. This show brought to you by water on his side and coffee on mine forgot the fuck. I was talking about rolling in Los Angeles, they're playing pizza,they're, paying drug addicts to get off the drugs using taxpayer money to paydrug addicts to send o the doing that, though, it's working, how are they doing that, though, whenyou say they're paying drug addicts to stop doing drugs? What is it they'redoing? They test them for drugs, make surethey stopped give them a cash like a government check thing and then,...

...if they keep staying clean, they keepgetting a check. Okay, I don't know I'm I mean I'm all for solutions to the problem. I'm just Ijust don't think. THAT'S THE ISN'T! This just trading one addictionfor another! Isn't that what this is? What do you mean? Well, they alwaystalk about like well, I quit drinking, but I picked up smoking, so you justtraded one addition for another or I quit smoking cigarettes, and now Isnort coke or whatever see just you just switch one addiction for another.Here's a big one in the drunk world is, I quit drinking because I found Jesus,but really Jesus becomes the fucking addiction they can't live without. Youknow reverting to a Bible like well, I mean let me check like a good goodcheck. Yea My addiction right you're, a hundred percent right. You arereplacing something else with that addiction with something else. Sowhat's the biggest fucking Dick America sucks on it's, not religion, it's money,so we're trading addicts were like here, stop shooting her win and instead shootcast, and then we get him hooked on the fucking Capitalist Addiction. I'm likewe're just trading yeah, of course we're trading addictions. I don't likeit. I don't think it's going to work, I'm not a supposed to give him peoplefree money, while you're just giving out money. Okay, but thinking that justswitching addictions is going to make any kind of long term. Difference isstupid. I I and now back to the wall a.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (112)