John | Podcasting
John | Podcasting

Episode · 1 year ago

If there is no proof of my past ... Am I even real? John ponders the Memory Hole.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Am I even real? John talks with Gary about reflecting with other people, and ponders whether or not he’s been thrown in the Memory Hole; Not fitting in makes us feel lonely, even in crowds; Pretending to be normal and positive after years is tiresome; Should we pay drug addicts to switch to a more socially-acceptable addictions … like religion or money?

But what we have is a reflection, like we have another human to reflect upon, to check that I'm still real. I don't know if I'm real. Am I going to whom? I'm going to check it against some somebody in Oklahoma. How does that proof that I'm real? I don't know. So in my mind you're an attachment to what is real. A fucking text back and forth with a friend from high school that's like, Oh, I'm real. So it's a kind of a reflection thing to me. It's a in that sense. It does field. That's that's weird. Yeah, or a connection to reality because we've all been boxed up for so long it's like, well, what it whears my reality? I don't have like photo albums of me as a kid. I don't. I don't know, like how do I even know I have a past. So that's me in particular, but I think a lot of humans have that same thing. When we've been boxed up, it's like well, fuck, I need some reflection and you need in person that you know and trust from the old days, from the old times, to check with. It's like hey, is this a real thought? Is this fucking valid? Is Rational? Do you think that's by design, though, because you've always been that type since I've known you, that when you do something, you move on from it, you don't want to save it. MMM, I don't know how you mean. Okay, best example would be you mentioned that you do not have a photo book of you a being young. Is that because you've chose not to have one in your in your possession, or just no pictures were taken? No picture. There were pictures taken, I just I don't have those albums. Your mom probably does. Maybe they existed in my ex she had a bunch too. They existed, but how do I know that? They just didn't dump them into fire pit and now I don't exist in the past. Okay, but...

...why would you go down that path? Why wouldn't you be a little bit more optimistic and say, yeah, they're out there somewhere? I don't really think about it that much. I tried to just establish connections with people from the past instead. That makes more sense to me, because I can't talk to photos or memories or things of the past, but it's easy for me. Like I know you from the past, I know my friend, you know Steve and Sacramento from the past. Sure, any time I connect with people from the past, like Oh, okay, there's some slight root of reality to me. Well, I get that. I'm just saying, though, that because my parents kept albums of photos from, you know, the time I was born to I'd say the lab maybe ten years ago, there are photo books to you know, refer back to right, you have access. Yet I don't have access to those. You do. That's the difference. That's what I'm trying to say. That's the difference. I don't have access to my past and it feels fucking weird. But I'm saying if you talk to your mom about it and said like Hey, do you actually have photo books of me, and if she says no, then there you go. But maybe she says yeah, of course, yes, she might, or my not, I'm not going to be able to get to them, like you know what I mean. So what's the point? And I got to sell them to me. Yeah, I get that. I'm just saying, though, that I want to say that most parents did take pictures and kept them of their of their kids. Yeah, yeah, George, yeah, I know, we took him of our kids with me in them. Like there's pictures of me and my kids together that I just don't have access to. So I wonder if they still exist. And even if someone said yes, they exist, there's no way for me to have to have any proof of that. I bet they do. Maybe I'm just saying deep be optimistic instead of being, you know, like, Oh yeah, they're probably...

...fucking throw them away or, you know, burn them and whatever. I I'm optimistic and saying that they're stuff out there with you and those photos and with your kids. Or yeah, maybe, you know when you were a kid too. Probably, maybe. So I think there's an imprint. I'm not actually, no, that's not the right word. I think there's photos of every single human out there some kind. HMM, yeah, probably, just probably not all the ones I remember taking right, right, you might, you might look you okay, say you can come back here for a visit and you visit mom and you bring it up to hers to say Hey, do you got photo books at me or photo books of the kids or Blah, blah blah, and she goes well, yes, a matter of fact, John, here here's a here's what I can dig up for you. Oh yeah, now she's got like a fucking rack full of them. I just don't know what's in them, you know. I mean I know where they are, unless she's re arranged, but I mean like a gigantic bookshelf. It looks like Encyclopedia Britannica because, remember, she's crafty, so she makes like scrap book giant covers and there's probably more than just photos in there, but I don't know. Yeah, for sure. Sometimes I think she just threw all mine away and get my sisters. Why, though, because when I've gone over there, those are the only pictures I see on the wall. Oh, okay, I see what you're okay, I see what you're getting now, all right, it's a little bit creepy. That's why I get the feeling that of a favorite one. Oh, of course, but he was the favorite one and you were the outcast. Only later in life. Yeah, teen years on right. Yeah, yeah, after they kick me out of them. Of course, I didn't become what they wanted to me to be. After they kick me out of the House. Go figure. We you are not being all you can be. Just wasn't conforming with what you to be. Yeah, and that they would. They...

...were never specific as to what they wanted me to because I was just better. That's an impossible task. You've straally, you've striven, striven. Yeah, I think about that word a lot to what why am I keep striving? What? What's this about so being, so striven? And I'm like that's not a word. Or dren, it's not driven. I don't know, it's driven. I tried to just try to keep stepping forward if you don't have a choice. But yeah, the lack of photos makes me guess. I've been reading one thousand nineteen eighty four, remember again, and that's a big things like who controls the past? Controls the present? Who controls the you know, present control of the future, so on, so forth. But a big thing in one thousand nine hundred eighty four is they have this thing called the memory hole, and it's most buildings that are government buildings, because most buildings are government buildings in this future have slits in the walls, vertical slits kind of ovows, couple inches wide, foot or so long, that lead to a duct that just turn everything you drop them there into a furnace, destroys it. So if you go to the Ministry of truth, their whole job is to go back in history and rewrite articles and destroy the original articles and photographs and so forth and put them in the memory hole so that history never happened. The new history is the history. HMM. So I often think. I'm like, well, they could just fucking race me, is fucking throw all my pictures away, all these thoughts. Sometimes I'm wonders. That why I do a podcast, because at least they can't e raise this. Right, right, but, but do you but do you think you're being singled out? I mean, do you think of other people that might have the same type of dilemma that you ponder? Oh, yeah, no, I'm not the only one. For sure, they get cut out of other people's lives. I don't know anybody personally. Don't think...

...about it anymore. Yeah, I don't know why. I just I've kind of settled into my I'm going to be alone, alone, er, probably the rest of my life. I've just settled into that. I've I've become so comfortable with it that when people ask me or just like yeah, you got a girl, or you know, you in a relationship or anything like that, and my response now is I just don't think I'm relationship material in the sense of, you know what they believe is relationship material. I I've just I do my own thing for so long I don't I don't know anything else, and I think that's kind of where you're at to it's just like this is what I do, this is all I know. Yeah, I don't really have a problem with being alone, because I've been. I don't either. I got some saying I'm a lone R. I'm not alone, I'm a lone Er. Yeah, two different things in my opinion. I have a problem with being lonely, though. Sometimes, and it doesn't matter if I'm with people or alone, I get lonely with people or alone. It's that's two separate sure feelings. You know what I mean? Me Too. Yeah, yeah, I totally relate. HMM, excuse me. Sorry. I think lonely is just the feeling. The introvert thing too. I think the introvert thing has a lot to do with yeah, if I'm around a bunch of bunch of people, I feel alone. Well, if I'm by myself, I feel alone. So there's this whole alone thing that I think a lot of us feel. To me it's a feeling of not being understood in my circumstance. So if I'm alone with myself and I'm not you know, I'm just not present. Yeah, I could start to feel lonely if I'm with other people, though, and don't feel engaged or connected or like a part of that or mostly understood. Oh my God, there's nothing worse like if you're saying a pub or a bar and you make a joke cut out loud that three people down the bark in here and just fell flat.

And now the bartender ignores you, and then some hot chicks come on and the bartender whispers to the hot chicks and you're thinking, ah, fuck, know where did that happened? Okay, well, I'm just making up scenarios because I'm creative in my head, but you know, yes, so, just like anything, could just happen and instantly you're thinking, I'm totally misunderstood. There's now seven people in this room that think I'm a fucking idiot it, and that's horrible. That's horrible lonely feeling. Okay, now that's retreating in your own head and assuming that that's what they're thinking of you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. This is kind of what we're talking about, or learning about in the self sabotage book. It's called mind reading, like it's a self sabotage, and behavior called mind reading, like assuming what the other people think about you. I've gotten a lot better with that and not giving a fuck of what other people think of me. The only time, like say, for example, I feel lonely when I go to, you know, some of the beer places, I try and make my presence known. Well, I'm I try think is right and be loud enough. There's a difference between not giving a fuck what people think about you and assuming they think the worst. Do you see the difference now? Well, if because I do care what people think about me, but only if it's good, you know, I mean. So I care if they like me, because if they like me, I'll probably have high chance of liking them back and then we'll be friends. But if I assume the worst, that they just thought I'm an asshole because my joke was dumb, I'm going to dig myself a deep hole there because I'm assuming the worst. I'm mind reading bad things into that situation. Right, the assuming thing is what's fucking you up? Yeah, yeah, that's it's that's the mind reading. So so it's a bit different. Than not giving a fuck what people think, because, yeah, most people do give a fuck what people think because you're you're looking for someone who thinks just like you or different than you or whatever. You're looking for a vibe or a partner, somebody to talk to. So you have...

...to project out to kind of like throw out the the real into the room and say hey, this is me projecting that today. See what I catch. I hear that, that's fine too. But what happens after that is problematic. Like if you get no response, sometimes it's like yeah, fuck this place, or sometimes it's like yeah, as a stupid thing for me to do or whatever. Right. But do you beat yourself up a lot on that, like, for example, when you say that you know you're in a place and you don't feel like you're accepting, you just like fuck this place, the stew about it, or do you just leave and try and think of other things to do? To here's the thing. It's it's a cum cumulative effect. So it's I do I will leave immediately, but then I'll go the next place and leaving me. I'm exaggerating here obviously, but then if you do it five or six, seven times and you leave immediately. Pretty soon it becomes fuck every place. Everybody hates me. It's just starts to dovetail into this fucking toxic soup of self hate. And do you go into everyone hates me a lot more than I wish to, more than I used to. When I was younger, Dude, like in my twenty is, I was super like up be Mr Positive, and I still can act positive. People say, Oh, you such a positive of person. I mean that's just power and program to speak and motion. But well, yeah, that's the surface. You putting it out there. Yeah, that's my fucking Westworld fucking robot just doing its thing. That's you. That's your that it's like cloak and dagger, you know. That's that's your cloak. Yeah, it's like, leave me the fuck alone, I'm trying to be normal. Okay, I made it past that encounter. Starting to think of media like drugs. He was mainlining facebook and twitter and instagram all day...

...long. Hell Yeah, dude, the whole entire Internet thing is is like a drug. It's just a matter of how you use it, how you what your dose, how much, that much you take? Yeah, yeah, seth rogue in the other day said it was like poison and death. He has to do it very small doses because he realizes it's just death. Seth Rogan said that. Yeah, city went through some work with this therapist and he avoids it because he realizes, you know, smokes too, so he realizes he does some things that are not good for him, but he categorizes social media as one of those things. So it tries to limit it a lot, which I think is brilliant. Again, I think it goes beyond social media. I think it's just the Internet in general well, and humans addictive nature. Here's the thing, and I think La hold on, let me get a drink my I'm getting little cotton mouth and I hear it in the MIC. HMM MMM MMM. This show brought to you by water on his side and coffee on mine. Forgot the fuck I was talking about rolling in Los Angeles. They're paying people, they're paying drug addicts to get off the drugs, using taxpayer money to pay drug addicts to send all these doing that, though it's working. How are they doing that, though? When you say they're paying drug addicts to stop doing drugs? What is it they're doing? They test them for drugs, make sure they stopped, give them a cash like a government check thing, and then if they keep staying...

...clean, they keep getting a check. Okay, I don't know. I'm I mean I'm all for solutions to the problem. I'm just I just don't think that's the isn't this just trading one addiction for another? Isn't that what this is? What do you mean? In well, they always talk about like, well, I quit drinking, but I picked up smoking, so you just traded one addiction for another. Or I quit smoking cigarettes and now I snort coke or whatever. So you just you just switch one addiction for another. Here's a big one in the drunk world is I quit drinking because I found Jesus. But really, Jesus becomes the fucking addiction. They can't live without. Revi you know, reverting to a Bible like, well, let me let me check, like a good, good check. Yeah, my addiction right now. Your hundred percent right. You replacing something else with that addiction with something else. So what's the biggest fucking Dick America sucks on? It's not religion, it's money. So we're trading addicts. Were like here, stop shooting heroin and instead shoot cash and then we get them hooked on the fucking capitalist addiction. I'm like, we're just trading yeah, of course we're trading addictions. I don't like it. I don't think it's going to work. I'm not opposed to giving people free money while you just giving out money, okay, but thinking that just switching addictions is going to make any kind of long term difference is stupid. God, got, I got, and now back to the wall.

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