Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 4 months ago

If there is no proof of my past ... Am I even real? John ponders the Memory Hole.

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Am I even real? John talks with Gary about reflecting with other people, and ponders whether or not he’s been thrown in the Memory Hole; Not fitting in makes us feel lonely, even in crowds; Pretending to be normal and positive after years is tiresome; Should we pay drug addicts to switch to a more socially-acceptable addictions … like religion or money?

But what we have is a reflection, like we have another human to reflect upon, to check that I'm stillreal. I don't know if I'm real. Am I going to whom? I'mgoing to check it against some somebody in Oklahoma. How does that proofthat I'm real? I don't know. So in my mind you're an attachmentto what is real. A fucking text back and forth with a friend fromhigh school that's like, Oh, I'm real. So it's a kind ofa reflection thing to me. It's a in that sense. It does field. That's that's weird. Yeah, or a connection to reality because we've allbeen boxed up for so long it's like, well, what it whears my reality? I don't have like photo albums of me as a kid. Idon't. I don't know, like how do I even know I have apast. So that's me in particular, but I think a lot of humanshave that same thing. When we've been boxed up, it's like well,fuck, I need some reflection and you need in person that you know andtrust from the old days, from the old times, to check with.It's like hey, is this a real thought? Is this fucking valid?Is Rational? Do you think that's by design, though, because you've alwaysbeen that type since I've known you, that when you do something, youmove on from it, you don't want to save it. MMM, Idon't know how you mean. Okay, best example would be you mentioned thatyou do not have a photo book of you a being young. Is thatbecause you've chose not to have one in your in your possession, or justno pictures were taken? No picture. There were pictures taken, I justI don't have those albums. Your mom probably does. Maybe they existed inmy ex she had a bunch too. They existed, but how do Iknow that? They just didn't dump them into fire pit and now I don'texist in the past. Okay, but...

...why would you go down that path? Why wouldn't you be a little bit more optimistic and say, yeah,they're out there somewhere? I don't really think about it that much. Itried to just establish connections with people from the past instead. That makes moresense to me, because I can't talk to photos or memories or things ofthe past, but it's easy for me. Like I know you from the past, I know my friend, you know Steve and Sacramento from the past. Sure, any time I connect with people from the past, like Oh, okay, there's some slight root of reality to me. Well, Iget that. I'm just saying, though, that because my parents kept albums ofphotos from, you know, the time I was born to I'd saythe lab maybe ten years ago, there are photo books to you know,refer back to right, you have access. Yet I don't have access to those. You do. That's the difference. That's what I'm trying to say.That's the difference. I don't have access to my past and it feelsfucking weird. But I'm saying if you talk to your mom about it andsaid like Hey, do you actually have photo books of me, and ifshe says no, then there you go. But maybe she says yeah, ofcourse, yes, she might, or my not, I'm not goingto be able to get to them, like you know what I mean.So what's the point? And I got to sell them to me. Yeah, I get that. I'm just saying, though, that I want to saythat most parents did take pictures and kept them of their of their kids. Yeah, yeah, George, yeah, I know, we took him ofour kids with me in them. Like there's pictures of me and mykids together that I just don't have access to. So I wonder if theystill exist. And even if someone said yes, they exist, there's noway for me to have to have any proof of that. I bet theydo. Maybe I'm just saying deep be optimistic instead of being, you know, like, Oh yeah, they're probably...

...fucking throw them away or, youknow, burn them and whatever. I I'm optimistic and saying that they're stuffout there with you and those photos and with your kids. Or yeah,maybe, you know when you were a kid too. Probably, maybe.So I think there's an imprint. I'm not actually, no, that's notthe right word. I think there's photos of every single human out there somekind. HMM, yeah, probably, just probably not all the ones Iremember taking right, right, you might, you might look you okay, sayyou can come back here for a visit and you visit mom and youbring it up to hers to say Hey, do you got photo books at meor photo books of the kids or Blah, blah blah, and shegoes well, yes, a matter of fact, John, here here's ahere's what I can dig up for you. Oh yeah, now she's got likea fucking rack full of them. I just don't know what's in them, you know. I mean I know where they are, unless she's rearranged, but I mean like a gigantic bookshelf. It looks like Encyclopedia Britannicabecause, remember, she's crafty, so she makes like scrap book giant coversand there's probably more than just photos in there, but I don't know.Yeah, for sure. Sometimes I think she just threw all mine away andget my sisters. Why, though, because when I've gone over there,those are the only pictures I see on the wall. Oh, okay,I see what you're okay, I see what you're getting now, all right, it's a little bit creepy. That's why I get the feeling that ofa favorite one. Oh, of course, but he was the favorite one andyou were the outcast. Only later in life. Yeah, teen yearson right. Yeah, yeah, after they kick me out of them.Of course, I didn't become what they wanted to me to be. Afterthey kick me out of the House. Go figure. We you are notbeing all you can be. Just wasn't conforming with what you to be.Yeah, and that they would. They...

...were never specific as to what theywanted me to because I was just better. That's an impossible task. You've straally, you've striven, striven. Yeah, I think about that word a lotto what why am I keep striving? What? What's this about so being, so striven? And I'm like that's not a word. Or dren, it's not driven. I don't know, it's driven. I tried to justtry to keep stepping forward if you don't have a choice. But yeah, the lack of photos makes me guess. I've been reading one thousand nineteen eightyfour, remember again, and that's a big things like who controls thepast? Controls the present? Who controls the you know, present control ofthe future, so on, so forth. But a big thing in one thousandnine hundred eighty four is they have this thing called the memory hole,and it's most buildings that are government buildings, because most buildings are government buildings inthis future have slits in the walls, vertical slits kind of ovows, coupleinches wide, foot or so long, that lead to a duct that justturn everything you drop them there into a furnace, destroys it. Soif you go to the Ministry of truth, their whole job is to go backin history and rewrite articles and destroy the original articles and photographs and soforth and put them in the memory hole so that history never happened. Thenew history is the history. HMM. So I often think. I'm like, well, they could just fucking race me, is fucking throw all mypictures away, all these thoughts. Sometimes I'm wonders. That why I doa podcast, because at least they can't e raise this. Right, right, but, but do you but do you think you're being singled out?I mean, do you think of other people that might have the same typeof dilemma that you ponder? Oh, yeah, no, I'm not theonly one. For sure, they get cut out of other people's lives.I don't know anybody personally. Don't think...

...about it anymore. Yeah, Idon't know why. I just I've kind of settled into my I'm going tobe alone, alone, er, probably the rest of my life. I'vejust settled into that. I've I've become so comfortable with it that when peopleask me or just like yeah, you got a girl, or you know, you in a relationship or anything like that, and my response now isI just don't think I'm relationship material in the sense of, you know whatthey believe is relationship material. I I've just I do my own thing forso long I don't I don't know anything else, and I think that's kindof where you're at to it's just like this is what I do, thisis all I know. Yeah, I don't really have a problem with beingalone, because I've been. I don't either. I got some saying I'ma lone R. I'm not alone, I'm a lone Er. Yeah,two different things in my opinion. I have a problem with being lonely,though. Sometimes, and it doesn't matter if I'm with people or alone,I get lonely with people or alone. It's that's two separate sure feelings.You know what I mean? Me Too. Yeah, yeah, I totally relate. HMM, excuse me. Sorry. I think lonely is just the feeling. The introvert thing too. I think the introvert thing has a lotto do with yeah, if I'm around a bunch of bunch of people,I feel alone. Well, if I'm by myself, I feel alone.So there's this whole alone thing that I think a lot of us feel.To me it's a feeling of not being understood in my circumstance. So ifI'm alone with myself and I'm not you know, I'm just not present.Yeah, I could start to feel lonely if I'm with other people, though, and don't feel engaged or connected or like a part of that or mostlyunderstood. Oh my God, there's nothing worse like if you're saying a pubor a bar and you make a joke cut out loud that three people downthe bark in here and just fell flat.

And now the bartender ignores you,and then some hot chicks come on and the bartender whispers to the hotchicks and you're thinking, ah, fuck, know where did that happened? Okay, well, I'm just making up scenarios because I'm creative in my head, but you know, yes, so, just like anything, could just happenand instantly you're thinking, I'm totally misunderstood. There's now seven people inthis room that think I'm a fucking idiot it, and that's horrible. That'shorrible lonely feeling. Okay, now that's retreating in your own head and assumingthat that's what they're thinking of you. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Thisis kind of what we're talking about, or learning about in the self sabotagebook. It's called mind reading, like it's a self sabotage, and behaviorcalled mind reading, like assuming what the other people think about you. I'vegotten a lot better with that and not giving a fuck of what other peoplethink of me. The only time, like say, for example, Ifeel lonely when I go to, you know, some of the beer places, I try and make my presence known. Well, I'm I try think isright and be loud enough. There's a difference between not giving a fuckwhat people think about you and assuming they think the worst. Do you seethe difference now? Well, if because I do care what people think aboutme, but only if it's good, you know, I mean. SoI care if they like me, because if they like me, I'll probablyhave high chance of liking them back and then we'll be friends. But ifI assume the worst, that they just thought I'm an asshole because my jokewas dumb, I'm going to dig myself a deep hole there because I'm assumingthe worst. I'm mind reading bad things into that situation. Right, theassuming thing is what's fucking you up? Yeah, yeah, that's it's that'sthe mind reading. So so it's a bit different. Than not giving afuck what people think, because, yeah, most people do give a fuck whatpeople think because you're you're looking for someone who thinks just like you ordifferent than you or whatever. You're looking for a vibe or a partner,somebody to talk to. So you have...

...to project out to kind of likethrow out the the real into the room and say hey, this is meprojecting that today. See what I catch. I hear that, that's fine too. But what happens after that is problematic. Like if you get noresponse, sometimes it's like yeah, fuck this place, or sometimes it's likeyeah, as a stupid thing for me to do or whatever. Right.But do you beat yourself up a lot on that, like, for example, when you say that you know you're in a place and you don't feellike you're accepting, you just like fuck this place, the stew about it, or do you just leave and try and think of other things to do? To here's the thing. It's it's a cum cumulative effect. So it'sI do I will leave immediately, but then I'll go the next place andleaving me. I'm exaggerating here obviously, but then if you do it fiveor six, seven times and you leave immediately. Pretty soon it becomes fuckevery place. Everybody hates me. It's just starts to dovetail into this fuckingtoxic soup of self hate. And do you go into everyone hates me alot more than I wish to, more than I used to. When Iwas younger, Dude, like in my twenty is, I was super likeup be Mr Positive, and I still can act positive. People say,Oh, you such a positive of person. I mean that's just power and programto speak and motion. But well, yeah, that's the surface. Youputting it out there. Yeah, that's my fucking Westworld fucking robot justdoing its thing. That's you. That's your that it's like cloak and dagger, you know. That's that's your cloak. Yeah, it's like, leave methe fuck alone, I'm trying to be normal. Okay, I madeit past that encounter. Starting to think of media like drugs. He wasmainlining facebook and twitter and instagram all day...

...long. Hell Yeah, dude,the whole entire Internet thing is is like a drug. It's just a matterof how you use it, how you what your dose, how much,that much you take? Yeah, yeah, seth rogue in the other day saidit was like poison and death. He has to do it very smalldoses because he realizes it's just death. Seth Rogan said that. Yeah,city went through some work with this therapist and he avoids it because he realizes, you know, smokes too, so he realizes he does some things thatare not good for him, but he categorizes social media as one of thosethings. So it tries to limit it a lot, which I think isbrilliant. Again, I think it goes beyond social media. I think it'sjust the Internet in general well, and humans addictive nature. Here's the thing, and I think La hold on, let me get a drink my I'mgetting little cotton mouth and I hear it in the MIC. HMM MMM MMM. This show brought to you by water on his side and coffee on mine. Forgot the fuck I was talking about rolling in Los Angeles. They're payingpeople, they're paying drug addicts to get off the drugs, using taxpayer moneyto pay drug addicts to send all these doing that, though it's working.How are they doing that, though? When you say they're paying drug addictsto stop doing drugs? What is it they're doing? They test them fordrugs, make sure they stopped, give them a cash like a government checkthing, and then if they keep staying...

...clean, they keep getting a check. Okay, I don't know. I'm I mean I'm all for solutions tothe problem. I'm just I just don't think that's the isn't this just tradingone addiction for another? Isn't that what this is? What do you mean? In well, they always talk about like, well, I quit drinking, but I picked up smoking, so you just traded one addiction for another. Or I quit smoking cigarettes and now I snort coke or whatever. Soyou just you just switch one addiction for another. Here's a big one inthe drunk world is I quit drinking because I found Jesus. But really,Jesus becomes the fucking addiction. They can't live without. Revi you know,reverting to a Bible like, well, let me let me check, likea good, good check. Yeah, my addiction right now. Your hundredpercent right. You replacing something else with that addiction with something else. Sowhat's the biggest fucking Dick America sucks on? It's not religion, it's money.So we're trading addicts. Were like here, stop shooting heroin and insteadshoot cash and then we get them hooked on the fucking capitalist addiction. I'mlike, we're just trading yeah, of course we're trading addictions. I don'tlike it. I don't think it's going to work. I'm not opposed togiving people free money while you just giving out money, okay, but thinkingthat just switching addictions is going to make any kind of long term difference isstupid. God, got, I got, and now back to the wall.

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