Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions
Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions

Episode · 3 years ago

Abandonment and Isolation, Bipolar Style

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

The grooves in your record dictate the songs you play your entire life. John Emotions shares his experience with abandonment and isolation resulting from his Bipolar Disorder diagnosis. Learn how to connect with other Bipolar people via BipolarParty.com

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Send comments to comments@bipolarstyle.com or leave a public voicemail response (377) 944-9333

Itoland nowts online with Styleyou Hey. It's me thanks for havingme this episode. My bipolar episode today is about abandonment andisolation, so shout out to the gorillis there thatsong is titled Appropriately enough all alone, well that song so yeah. Todaywe're going to talk about abandonment, I'm recording live from my littlestudio in Rainy San Francisco Cot, some rainyweather, and you might hear cars go by. RememberI'm not going to keep repeating this every episode, but so like if you'renew, and you hear noise in the background, that's kind of intentionala couple episodes back. I started talking about moving to a differentoffice, and then I moved to a new office, and now I have a new studio,it's right where I wanted it to be in many ways I'll talk about that later inthe podcast, but yeah, so part of that is I'm likeliterally like yea three stores, maybe forty feet above a busy intersection,ind the heart of downtown San Francisco, all right cool, that's said man. How have you been? I know I'mpretty sporadic at putting out podcasts...

...and apologize, but you have by polar disorder.Presumably so I think you get it, and I thank you for that, so my head is kindof settled down. I'm not sure how to explain it. I'vebeen in a mixed state which is to the to the new folks, it's havingbeing depressed actively depressed having depression. Clinical Depressionat the same time is having features of mania, which it just feels like crazy.I don't know how to describe it any better. I felt like this when I firstgot diagnosed you want to, God do have to say trigger warning. Idon't normally say rigger warning. That's kind of implied in a show likethis, but so when I get in a mixed state is when I feel most a danger ofmyself, because I'm still depressed still sad still,not not just sad, not you know, don't confuse sadness with depression, butI'm also sad on top of being depressed, and I also have lots of energies andlots of creativity. So if I, if I let that go the wrong direction, it leadsto bad places really quickly so anyway trying to avoid that. But that's whereI've been lately just WHOA wwhhowever. The move has settled down, starting to find out more and moreabout my new job, which is a crazy, ass job. So much I mean it's like theimpossible job. It can never be done perfectly which kind of sucks, but I'malso like one of the perfect people for this jobs takes a special person to dothe work I'm doing and what I tell you what I do later, you'll get it anyway. So yeah, that's that'swheremant San Francisco, explaining away the cars going up the wet street and you're listening to a podcast thattalks about the stuff. All right.

I will honor your time more effectively so anyway, through my mix state.Actually I was going somewhere with the story. I just get sidetracked so anywayI was. I was going to thank some people, Tracy and Lizz for the nice emails thetemailed me, John et by polar stylecom, and you know right me: thoughtfulthankful, emails about the podcast which totally shocked me. I forget Ilook at the podcast statistics and there's a bunch of downloads, but theydon't match up at all with my twitter followers, who are also really cool andactive, but there's no correlation, apparently very very little. Sosometimes I just get you know depressed like I was a couple of weeks ago andwonder: What's It all about? Why am I even doing this? This is it'sridiculous and Youknow. My initial motivation is tojust have a output to get you know, express the the victriol and just getall the poison out of my system. Just by talking it out. I can't make it toan inperson group every week, so this kind of helps n. In a way this helpsbuild a digital community as well, which is helpful to me, because I tendto move a lot and I like to have some consistency. Yeah, it's been, it's beena Trik, but anyway so tracy and Liz and Sean you guys have all been superhelpful, probably more helpful than you realized at the time. I ended upreading your emails, so you know big hugs to you guys and thanks for theemail, I really appreciate that I also want to give a huge Uge shoutoutto the people at by Polar Party. All those people at bipolar PARTYCOM arefantastic. It's kind of like fight club for bipolar people. You don't reallytalk about what happens there at all and acide from me talking about it. Nowwe don't really. You know it's not a...

...thing. A lot of people talk about. Youknow because there's not a lot of people with bipolar disorder to beginwith, and the few of us that have it not man, know about it. So you'rewelcome to go there trying to keep that a very safe place to communicate. It'snot anonymous, but it is private. So we're not sharing anything in the mainchannels on the podcast there's one specific channel for the podcast. So,if you're in there- and you want to say something or have an idea for the show-then jump on in yeah would love to hear from you. How do you get there easy go to bypolar party com, not bi polar potty like your Tasiss Heman, I'm not going to get over thatso yeah by polar partycom. Just go there log in if you're, a slack useryou'll know what to do immediately if you've never used slack. Think of it asinstant messenger. It's just basically a new thing. Some mallennials cameapround and rebranded instant messenging, and now it's a thing. Oheverybody uses slack, but yeah I mean if you're old school, it's like instantmessenger, Yahoo, messenger or whatever just we use slack for Bipolar Party.That's as simple as it I carried it around in my pocket and kind of. We dopeer to peer support on the go, whether it's on my phone or on my desk top orthe laptop on the bus. Wherever I'm just kidding. I don't use the laptop onthe bus in this neighborhood. The point is, if you go to bipolar PARTYCOM andjoin us in our slack room, you'll have a connection to more and more people asit grows, especially people from overseas, who are there late at night,which is awesome, because a lot of us are manic a lot of the time. In fact tobe in the group. You really should have...

...mania it's not for just Yuneiddepressive people. I get too many depressives around me, and it brings medown so by polar party really is for people with both depression and mania.Don't don't just go upin there and dumping onl your depression on us gotit cool, don't mean to be harsh ut. There are plenty of depression onlyplaces there are not many medup groups from manic people feel me. It's funnythat all kind of dovetails into today's quote unquote topic about abandonmentand isolation. So I didn't you know it's hard to putthe pieces together until after you've, you know seen them all and turn themall over face up. If youe Puttin a puzzle together, nd. What I'm saying isyou have to have lived through certain instances in life to look back on themto kind of figure out what things affected you and made you the personyou are so I' done, a lot of brain research,I'm a brain research hobbyist for the last you know, decade or so, and justas a lay person I like to be able to explain to otherlay people how or you know what's wrong with mybrain, because a lot of people think oh yeah, it's Johnny's he's awesome, justdoesn't live up to his potential because one thing or another, and not to ino labels, which this, why theshow is called bipolar style and hat bipolar disorder. Just you know it's amatter of preference at's that just feel there's some stigma attached tothe word disorder. Go figure hold it. I digress too much emeg. Let me focus myself here again so with the whole abandonment thing, whenI first was a young kid I was abandoned, I was at first I feltto abandon when my parents divorced and then by the time I was fourteen, I wasactually abandoned because nobody else could deal with me and you know thinking back through allthe you know various times in my...

...childhood, where have very, very vividmemories. I recall varyou specific instances of me crying for no reason,and I know now I mean I remember the circumstance now clearly as an adultand I'm like Hm. It's weird. I wonder why that wasn't ever checked out. Youknow I'm not placing any blame I get along with my parents, just fine nowwe're not close, but it's because of after all those years of brain research.I found out how you know your brain is basically like, say you collect vinyl.You know how vinyl works, basically the grooves or grooves ar cut intoou record,and that's the Song Twat, the record placed forever more. You have to meltit down and regrove it to play any other tune. Well, that's very similarto how the brain works. Now the problem with being abandoned asa young kid is that your record grooves are playing a song that says: Hey yousuck you're worthless, nobody wants you, nobody needs! You get the fuck out ofhere, and so, if that's the song you're hearing over and over again, why?Because you're not getting any help you're, not getting any therapy ore,not getting any medication! There's nothing going on for you because youare out of the loop you just are not being cared for. You've been abandoned.Well, it kind of becomes a vicious cycle. You start to attractrelationships that you swear are going to a bad in you and you accuse them of.I swear to Gointo a band on me one day enough times and eventually they're,like o dude shut the fuck up, I'm leaving right, so you kind of createthis selffulfilling prophecy. In a way in that you just become the person thatyou didn't want to become. Do you feelme? has this ever happenedto you? I bet it has and when you're abandoned when you'reyoung you here, I'm only speaking on behalf of myself. Of course it's myown experience for some reason. I speak in the terms of you. I come. I hadsales background, so kind of project out, but I'm not talking about youparticularly obviously I don't know you...

...that well anyway, so we just back up ut, I hatebeing when people get Super Annal about the words you use. It just drives mecrazy. It's conversational short cut. You get what the Fuck I'm saying. Letme finish talking in lets not underestimate the humanneed for attachments like the OP. Let's consider the opposite of abandonment,attachment right attachment to your family. To your friends, you loved one, so in Maslow's, famous hierarchy ofneeds just below food and shelter is human attachment. It's like yourattachment to your people. So what happens when you're detached? Is Youlose all your bearings? You don't have anything to latch on to you've, becomelike a ship floating in the sea without a map or a rudder, you just kind oflist. Listen, you don't know what to do, but when you have so many emotions as abipolar person, it makes your hand want to pop, because imagine if I can't evenput together metaphor for this, I guess it's the pirate ship with no sail norudder stuck out at sea with lit bombs all over it. That's the that's the best.I can do right now, but that's kind of what you feel like when you're just setaside you just abandoned out to the wind just cast aside and what's kind ofdoublly fucked is I'm not saying it only happens withbipolor disorder, but if you have bipolar disorder and it's not diagnosedand you are abandoned, those feelings are multiplied by magnitude when done over time. I definitely thinkthat's what contributed to my borderline personality disorder, whichis another similar but different disorder. Currently, there's talk byresearches that think it might be the same disorder more like on a spectrum,but that's not been completely...

...clarified or anything, but justconsider that. So what I'm saying is that having extreme emotions by way of bipolar disorder put in a shitty situation, I think, can cause plenty ofother disorders. Again, I'm no SCIENTISTM, speaking from my ownexperience, but having bi polar disorder untreated anddiagnosed, then I end up having panic disorders, anxiety, disorders, post,traumatic stress when being kicked after kicked out of House after Houseafter House after house. By the time I was in the twelfth grade of high school,had been to twelve different schools and nobody thought to take me to thehospital to have my head checked out open to that point. The one time I went the doctor said my mom yeah. Okay. Ineed to see you alone here next week and we never went back so we'll neverknow at what points all of this could have been helpedearlier. But what do you do? I guess I guess the point of thispodcast is what you don't do. Maybe don't abandon people? That's it's soeasy to say from a person who has been abandoned, but I guess in a lot of ways we may abandon others and just notrealize it. So I'm trying to e t kind of more deep into my thought, a littlemore meditative and just try to flip it around. It's like. Well, maybe IT'SCARMAN! Maybe it's because other people have perceived that ihave abandonedthem and my fall back is always yeah, but I was sick and we all know now thatI was sick, then so can't I get another pass and the answers invariably now,like all the bridges, I've burned, they're burn, they're still they'restill burned. I see the people on the other side of the river wave to him.Hey what's up fuck face, but you know: There's no going back. Those bridgesare burned. The way they've treated me...

...they've been forgiven, but I' have noneed for them. In my life now, knowing the type of person, they are the typeof person that was so boldly and blatantly abandon. You turn your backon you in many cases stab you in the back. Why do you need a person like that inyour life? It's funny in a lot of ways. You know after practice, over the yearsI'm like well, I'm just fucking, saying the obvious, but I'm telling you ifyou're newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder and that diagnosis startsgetting around your social circles. People are going to start treating youdifferently just here to remind you that that is on them, you're stillnormal. You know what I mean by by yesterday standards before yourdiagnosis. If today's the first day, you were diagnosed honestly you're thesame person, you were yesterday a lot of people get clarity out of theirdiagnosis, and I hope, if you're new to this, that it helped gain some clarity,you're, not just an asshole. You have a disease that makes you appear to be inthat way. Sorry to tell you that that's the that's the symptoms, but anyway youhave it, but now you don't, and you know I'm not trying to make light of it. Ijust do because I've dealt with it for so long. I have no other way to toaddress it. I love the old Elvis Costello Line. I used to be disgusted,and now I try to be amused. o try to be that's. That's often how I look at lifethese days, but the abandonment thing it just it doesn't go away. So so, inmy case, for example, I was abandoned in my mind. I felt like I was kickedout, which I was you know my parents Kicke me out my grandparents I had knowwhere to live, and I had to couch surf and sleep behind my drum set andpeople's garages, and things like that. I don't know if that qualifies ashomeless, but it sure felt untathered from society, so that kind of gray kindof carve that path a that was the groove. In my record man, things gotsquared away. When I met a lady, great, stable life, I ended up living akind of a ideal leave it to beaver life.

You know what I'm saying it's inAmerica, there was an old timy show from the black and white TV days whereeverything was just perfect. In fact, the House I stayed in with the wifelook just like that house. We had kids the whole thing and then something happened. Then she divorcedme that was fucked. Now again it fit withthe pattern in my head that ohwait, that's fine, that's normal. I expectthis because I am disposable. I'm a disposable human, a fucking BOTIBwebsite called disposable DADS back in the day Lik I just got Ta. I was goingto start a club of like all of the men that had been thrown out. Then I found out about the quote:Unquote Men's rights activists, and I figured that my idea as sounded tooclose to that, because the idea was not the same at all. It all had to do withthe bandonmit. I don't, I think men's rights activists can activism has moreto do with anger and resentment against women turning them down than what I'mtalking about as a disposable dad for one. You know it's an illiteration andwith the marketing background the DD sand, you know disposable, dadcom, Hey!I was going to have a club again because I was abandoned and I wastrying to find my tribe here's the thing: You're, not a disposable, dadlong enough to sustain a club that would help other disposable dads.Eventually, you go out, you get laid again. You start seeing your kids, youget your work back on schedule, you know everything works itself out andyou don't have energy to be the disposable dad and your self esteemincreases, and then you just don't even think of yourself that way anymore, butthere are definitely dudes around the planet right now that feel like they're,disposable, dad so cheers to all you disposable dads, especially if you'vegot a mental disorder like by polar style. The idea for doing this whole bit aboutabandonment because kind of got over it.

Although I mean it is my fucking song,thut grooves of abandonment are written in my record, but you know you learn tolive with it. It's painful, but I had to go to court recently todeal with some family court matters, which is always a blast, got to lovethat and it brought back a lot of those oldfeelings of abandonment. But what had really struck me and gaveme a new sense of abandonment, was how fucking callous those court people are.The commissioner, like the wantter, be judge there who she was okay, but thefucking public guy, whoever I don't know what his exact title is: The Guywho thinks he's fucking being noble by going after dudes, who have no moneythat guy that mother fucker right there so a try. I was poking around the courta while to try to find out like who helps the mentally disabled throughcourt cases and the long ASD short of it is in this particular jurisdiction.Nobody, nobody helps them mentally disabled, so I thought there might be alike American with disabilities act, kind of law that helped us nope. Ithought there might be some disability organizations nope, there's like onelike disability, dot or but that's just a fucking law firm. You know likeambulance, chasers nope, whatever I don't know, if they're havulancechasers of not but whatever get what I meant. If you go to something likedisability dot or you don't expect a forprofit law firm. What else I looked high and lowbasically, and ultimately, there was no help. So again, I not only had the kindof refreshed abandonment issues from when I was divorced. I have newabandoning issues from a system that just doesn't give a fuck like for yearsand years they just they just don't care, not only that they are activelyopposing you, they're aggressive they're, assertive toward you and it's het say it, but in this particularplace, tit's still dudes anyway. Not My point. My point is back to abandon M Tand isolation, which kind of fast...

...forwards to where I work. Now, it's nottoo jumpy. Is it what the fuck we got to get out of here? Gott gotta keepstappy, so okay, the whole isolation thing. So my new job- I am, I have a position on a director. Canyou believe, thet hired me as a director, I'M A director at a nonprofitthat runs housing for disabled vets and Basically Street people homeless,people that are coming off the streets that have some form of disability? Basically, this is like the last chancesaloon, housing for the people on the lowest of low wrungs in Americansociety. So I see first hand every day. I've got a hundred and sixty rooms here,n. You know what it looks like it looks like. I have a hundred and sixty boxeswith unwanted abandoned humans, isolated in them, I'm not sure the best way to conveytheir stories, but I guarantee you they are super compelling. I sit in thelobby and talk to these folks, but mostly listen to these folks, and it isamazing where they came from what they came from and what they've become, which is a constant rebinder that nomatter what your station in life, you could always drop to the bottom,whether it's a you know a physical disability or a mental disability. So Iguess this part of the show would be a good part for you to play for yourparents or your family or your spouse or your partners, who don't believethat you have bypolar disorder because left untreated and worse abandon. Youcould end up like one of these people in these little boxes. Unfortunately,I'm blessed, apparently I've earned it work for it whatever ever you want tosay, but I have a nice apartment which feels really weird. I have a niceapartment in the building. were all these little tiny roach infested boxesare...

...gross anyway. No Roach is in my place. Youget my point, though, Ah God stressful. So basically I run the building andthere's a couple of social workers here completely overwhelmed everything's broken, there's no moneyto fix anything. I gotto do some kind of documentary on this place, but Idon't even know where to start. It's overwhelming so I'll share tidbitsabout my role as the Director of this nonprofit as a housing place in SanFrancisco. As we go along, that's interesting to you. I just wanever, sometimes you'll get stressefrom my voice or heare' sense of frustration. Clearly it's not you! It's it's my job. It's trying to do theimpossible, so I'm not even sure where to startgetting all these hundred and sixty people out of isolation. We have alobby putting down some jazz concerts once a month. I'm going to get somecomedians in here. It should be great we're doing somecool things now, but still it's like yeah, it's just like broke down palaceor something I don't is that a thing broke down. Palace Yeah. Well, look up,SRO hotels in America. They have a thing called t e SRA hotel, it's kindof like a hostel. It's basically a lot of rooms are there's no cooking. It'sbasically like a hostile. You know, there's no cooking, there's communitybathrooms and you have a very small room with the bed and you know dresser and that sort of thing,but it's kind of drippy. But anyway I can see if you're an internationaltraveler. That's all you need. You want to cheap and quick and in and out, butthese are old people at the end of their lives, stuffed into these littleboxes. They can hardly move out. I mean just because they're so they're notambilatory, they can't move like they got walkers and wheelchairs, so th,it's so sad. I don't know how to deal with that. If you've ever worked inthat community, let's share notes go over to bipolar party. We can have aside conversation but man. Sorry, sorry...

...to ramble on about my job honey. Tell me about your day hm great, no kidding. Oh! I know I hate her yeah, okay enough for that. So yeah. Thanksfor checking this out. I just wanted to kind of crack the egg open onabandonment and isolation and just remind people how serious those groovesyou are cutting into your record are, if you're abandoning anybody. So now,I'm hypervigilant on making sure people know hey, I'm still here for you. Ican't maybe I can't do much. You know I'm sick, sometimes like sometimes Ican't do anything, but I'm always there in heart and spirit and I'll get on theInternet if, if I can or whatever, but I just want to, let people know Hey,I'm not abandoning Yow, I'm still here and I wish people would do the same forme. Oh, like a recent thing. I'll leave you with this. So as a as a grown upnow, who thinks he's over his abandoned Meng issues? Here's one thing thatstung me and it stung me last year too, when it happened as well. So maybe it'shappened to you but we'll see here. Let me explain so I live in downtown SanFrancisco. If you live in any downtown area, New York, city or Dallas, or NewOrleans or whatever, then you know, there's a downtown part and then acertain point you're in the suburbs, usually about as far as the localcommute train or something else can go out several miles out in the bay area.The local commutetriain goes. Probably twenty miles out goes pretty far outand so there's tons of people who live in e quote. Unquote Bay area, sowherever you live, you've got a central city and then you've got people thatlive in the outskirts N. it's basically dont to explain it so of all of mypeople that have grown up with I'm the only one that ventured to the cityearly in life, maybe because I had no place else to go, but I ended up comingout there and I like it, and I've...

...worked my way up to the point now whereI have a place to stay, and I have a guest Rom and I have you know crazystories to watch an experience I would expect. Well, maybe this is the problem.Maybe I've heard that expectations are the Human Achilles heel so that that's kind of a weird thingdon't expect anything and you feel much better. That's too Buddhist! For me,man. I have expectations of people and in the case of my friends, it happenedlast year when one of my best friends Iw'ud call him like my brother. Hehadn't been talking to me for like a year and a half I'm like dude. Hewasn't like avoiding Hewas kind of avoiding me, but not like. We didn'thave a fighter anything so just like dude what the fuck and he apparently hejust hooked up with the chick and getting all up into her head andeverything right. So they come all the way from the suburbs right downtown tothe city right B. In fact, there's a park golden gate park and I justhappened to be riding my bike up through the park and who the fuck isover by the bandstand there's my buddy and like dude, what the fuck you comeall the way out here and you don't call me you don't like he's with hisgirlfriend by the way he didn't call didn't. Let me know, didn't textnothing, so he was going to blow in and out of town without including me inanything now I know you're thinking, there's dozens of reasons why heprobably did not call you for one, your fucking maniac. Why would you want atriple date with the maniac? I got you if you let doesn't matter, it stillhurts my feelings and then it happened again. Another guy, the onl likethere's like three dudes, who are like close enough to be my brothers, anotherone. The second one did the same thing. A couple weeks ago came out here, tookthe train right in right down the street from my place. Didn't call medidn't text me. Didn't do shit, didn't, say, hi, nothing so again, tons ofreasons, I'm sure, but aagain again I...

...don't care it. fucking hurts myfeelings. So that's that's how hypersensitive I am to abandon it nowall right, so I think I'm starting to sound like a maniac now, so I'm goingto cut it off well, I can still breathe. Take it down O, not yeah. I really like I said in thebeginning. I really appreciate you actually listening and downloading oneday. I will connect better the downloads with the twitter audience. SoI guess what I'm saying if you listen to this, maybe try out twitter go checkout. Twitter go to twitter, go to bipolar style, find it there and have aconversation with us. There's a really strong mental health support group.There in fact pick your pick: your mental illness. Whatever you got,there's a support group for it on twitter really robust. I highlyrecommend that if you are bipolar, that is, if youhave depression mixed with mania, please come over to bipolar PARTYCOMand hang out with us there again, it's a private, it's not anonymous, but it'sprivate. We don't share what we talk about outside of the group. It's waybetter than twitter for sharing. You know getting bigger things off of yourchest and feeling a sense of support. Oh and dude subscribe like go tospotify or itunes or whatever in somewhere on the little interface as abutton that says subscribe, then you'll get notified when I put up podcastepisodes some thinking about doing it more frequently, like maybe ten minuteones every day. Something don't know. Let me know what you think like the daily mania or some shit likethat or just get up and talk and start a conversation about stuff, mostlyabout mental health, sometimes about politics, sometimes about pop culture, a lot of times about by polar. Have you had enough? Why didn't youtake off your earphones? Yet? Oh, I know you wanted to hear yourstuck to the outtro all right well here...

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