Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions
Emo Dojo™ Presents: John Emotions

Episode · 3 years ago

Bipolar Party: Bryan shares about his recent divorce and separation from his kids

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Bryan shares about his recent divorce and separation from his kids. Bipolar Party is a peer-to-peer support group located at BipolarParty.com

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It Olyand nowt's online thiit style, Tam dog days of August, rolling rightalong. I appreciate you thanks for being a new listener, I'm JohnnyMotions- and this is the Johny motions show, so I also run a different showcalled bipolar style and part of that offshoute of that I guess, would be thefan club so to speak, if you're using music industry terms, I started a slackchannel. I pointed my domain name by Polar Partycom to that slack channeland there are people there now that we talk and commiserate about our issues.Our mental health issues specifically and many of them wanted to share theirvoices through the podcast medium, which is awesome. So today we're goingto be like a fly on the wall at a bipolar party podcast, where variouspeople share about their different struggles. They've been going throughthis week. This particular segment is Brian from North Carolina sharing. Someissues he's had regarding recent divorce and separation from hischildren. So I hope you enjoy it, there's another one coming up rightafter that, and then a Monday we'll get back to some regular Rantson Raves,probably not so mental health, related cool cool hope you having a greatweekend and I'll hit you on the back side of this episode, Jo, join the party at bi, polar PARTYCOM, welcome pact to the Bipolar Party, I'mhere with Brian Holly and Becky and I'll. Let you each introduce yourselvesand tell us a little bit about how your week was going and whether or not youwould like to share more later.

So, let's start with brain he, my nameis Brian M, my I have a pretty crappy week, but I would like to share later awesomethanks, Bray Holly, I had an okay week. It's been, it's been getting back on my medication,so kind of just researching a lot of mental health stuff. So it's been avery eye opening week, but overall Ben Okay Isno a lot. I need to share. Okay, we'll have some time if you wantto share after after Bryans done and see if becky wants to share thanks, Heybecky. What's up, Hey, I'm becky and my week is then kind of up and down, and I will totally share today awesome if bicky'svoice sounds familiar. Bicky host, T, podcast, vhat B word, which focuses onbipolar and borderline and the beauty of being such a just, a bitching personin general Ha Hai'm, the fourth person in this square circle, my name's JohnI've had a crappy week and I will share so thanks. Let's get started, let'sstart with you Brian. What would you like to share today? Well, I've been divorced for about six monthsand it was a shock getting divorced. It was hard on me, but now I get a phone call yesterday that my exwife has got remarried two weeks ago and I did't know that she was even dating anybody and I now some people. It might soundridiculous...

...that but there's a morning process that youhave to go through when you get divorced and I just it just hurt, and I last night I felt like my life was over,I had suicidal thoughts. I I don't know I just I want to cry now. You can cry as much as you want Brianwell, it's like my meds. Won't let me yeah just, but it doesn't stop the Hart. That's all for now, thanks Brian I'll respond, Brian, because well, I'vebeen through that situation and although we didn't go through the quote,unquote rules at the top of the session here to the listeners. Basically, wetry to respond with what we call Ey language eye statement, so I want toreflect back to Brian my experiences. I'm not going to try to fix hisexperiences, but in this case Brian we've talked about this on the slack channel offline together abit, but I was divorced. Jeeze, probably fifteen years ago and I'vexperienced a lot of the things you're going through right now, it's the remarried married part so quickly,seemd like such a stab in the back to me because it seemd it just seemd liketo me that nobody can fall in love in six months. That means you fuckingPlann, this shit earlier and I'd been duped. That's what it felt like Tomy.It probably feels like th to many people, because you simply just don't.I guess it's possible, I mean you could find somebody and fall in love in a dayand then run off to fee y or something, but when, when you live a basicAmerican life wrapped up in your normal...

...routine, it's hard to find somebody tofall in love with Hem. When somebody does it and gets married within a sixmonth period, it just seems like there were some shenanigans happeningbeforehand and, of course, who are you to go? Tell the kids hey your mom plane!This see it was a trap. You know they're little kids they're not goingto believe it. It's inappropriate to tellmhen, but you know W at dude.Eventually they will find out everything they're always going to beyour kids, they're, clearly old enough to know who their dad is. It doesn'tmatter who they live with, but I just remembered one of the frustrating things that Iencountered was that why aren't my kids sticking up for me? Why aren't theysaying anything? These are my kids. I know they love me. I know I love them,but then you someone finally reflected back to me that will dude you move a lot. They can't stay withyou. They have to stay with their mom they're, just trying to make their ownlives as peacefule as possible. They're not going to bite the hand that feedsit. So I said like okay, okay, so that kind of satisfied my. Why aren't theysticking up for me a bit, and so it turned out to be true, like tenyears later, like they're, now off to college and doing those type of things,but we hang out frequently and they know all of the truth. So I hate to say:Dude things will get better in ten years, but I know they'll get better because I've seen it and it's not justme I've seen other, because people used to tell me like older dudes would tellme of this. When I was back in your spot and I didn't it wasn't that Ididn't believe them. I just didn't care. I was so hopeless and so out of faithout of everything that just didn't matter to me. I just didn't want tolive without my kids in my life, but the thought of them being alive on the planet and existingkept me waking up each day after that, so there's tons of dudes like us thatare dads that have been pulled away from our kids. That feel the same wayas you. So I have lots of empathy for you, man. If I can give you a hug fromCalifornia to North Carolina, I would yeah that's a big hug.

I I swore to myself that I would keep mykids out of it and not ban out their mom or try to find out details on the marriage or, like I have so many questions like Iwant to and want to know things. You know you know what I'm saying es ityeah. I want to know how long did you? Howlong did you date? You know where did you meet wher? Did you meet this person? I don't know just so many questions. Ni think I feel like when, when you'rein those situation, then you don't have those answers and your mind us goes tothe world responsible play sage right, like your mind, just goes to be like the worst Kar because it might notlike it might not be that in Synix. I'm the exact same way like, I think,workscate scenario, all the time and like John, like I think, you'reright like you might be able to meet someone afterwards and Falllov reallyquickly, but that's that's kind of crazy. So you il want to know thoseinswerts o your mind. Doesn't just spin somebody brought up sorry go ahead, brywell, I feel jealous, and I I don't know I shouldn't feel jealouslike it makes me want to run out and find somebody. It's not that easy, it's hard. That is a good cure, though,as it turned out. When I first got divorced, my wife was the one that left.I still waited a year consciously because I did not want a reboundrelationship, I'm not that good at relationships anyway. So I didn't wantthe extra layer of well what if this is...

...just a rebound, so I waited and man themoment. I found somebody else to date or Li I mean specifically whaas Havinsex with somebody knew that was exciting. I'm like Oh shit. Oh whatthis is we ther rine. I think I could do this divorce thing and I'm not nottrying to be callous, but that really was how it how it worked an like oncebecause I was not a cheater kind of person. I wasn't into that. I just Ilike being with one person, it's too much to think about other relationships, but man once I once literally foundsomebody else to have sex with thim everything changed, but then I had toprocess other feelings of of guilt like oh well, now I' fucking, this otherperson and and I'm picking up my kids tomorrow for the weekend and it justthere's different feelings, but breaking that jealousy feeling wasimportant, but not not so important where I would just go chase it around.You know what I mean and g. The jealousy is valid dudethere's another person with your kids, because I kept thinking about that. Ohmy God, that hurt like would I be jealous. If I had my kids, like if mywife just left me with some other dude, and I still had my kids in my house andmy car and the life that I had, would I be jealous mand I was like no. Actually,I don't think so. It is the kids that I'm jealous about it's like I'm jealousI'm missing out on the days and the weeks and the months and years of myfucking kids lives, fowithout explanation and back to your pointabout why? Why why I finally relieved the strain of that once I think waslike a person at my dbsa group who was like a monk, would call his Buddhisttype person, and he said you don't ask why just ask how the answer is in theHowl Ahi'm like oh well, that's much easier to find out and because you canprevent in many ways the how from happening again but you'll never beable to prevent somebody else's. Why from happening again?...

How are you feeling today anyways likeright now, because you mentioned you were feeling a bit suicidal last night,you feeling like a little better yeah, I'm not I'm, not feeling suicidal today, that'sgood, because it's hard to say you sound, you know reasonable in yourvoice and relative to the other times. We've spoken, you SAI upbeat, but Iknow I sound up most of the time and I've been fucking super miserablelately, so for anybody new to the mental health game, and if you hearpeople talking like this, sometimes we're actually very sick. At the moment.We just don't sound like it, because we're used to dealing with this and wehave to put on this act when we go in public. So we can't really diminishanybody's feelings and if someone says they're feeling suicidal just take itseriously like ask them how they're really feeling not trying to patronize you right now,Brian or anything, but that's serious, and we care about you. So can I can Isay a couple things in regards to what you said, of course, what you said about being jealous ofyour kids. I don't know if I was right or wrongand saying this, but she didn't do it anyway, but I told her because I have three girls and I told her. I said if you start datingsomebody. I want to know about it, because I want to know if another man'sbet around my round. My girls, well, she didn't tell me- and I mighthave been wrong and saying that and now she's married and somebody else isliving in the same house with my girls and it it makes me jealous. It makes me feel like. Oh, they got anew, Daddy, yeah, yeah and sure he's probably better thanI am nope and Iothey do not love him more dude.They don't even know the guy that much yeah you are. You are in their DNA...

...right since day once since they poppedout. There's the smell h, the aura, all of that stuff you'r their dad dude.Your jealousy is valid. I'm not sure asking a woman to inform you. Upperdating choices is ever going to work out. I felt the same way I felt like Ihad a right to know what was going on. Apparently the courts. Don't care aboutour right to to think we know should know those things but yeah theeverything you're saying is so valid. We should just do a whole podcastseries about dads with mental illnesses being separated from their kids. That'sthat's how pervasive it is. It's horrible sure, yeah. Sorry, sorry, women didn't mean toleave you out of the conversation right there, ye it's fine man h, it's just so tough here. Brianjust add a little levity to that. So I eventually came around to the idea likeokay, fine, but my x had started dating my best friend from work it it. It would been a plan from like ayear and a half for two years prior put all the pieces together and like youguys suckass. So I'm trying to take the highroad right and the high road isbumpy as Haddl. The high road is the toughest fucking road to take man, sothey you know snarkily sent me an invite to their wedding. You know, andI'm like you know what Fuck Realy, I'm fucking going to your wedding and youknow what I'm bringing it my twenty year old girlfriend with me. How aboutthat yeah? I was like thirty five and I found a twenty year old girlfriend onCraig's list, so we're like yeah we're fucking going so and they had a god.Damn a kiss cover band play at their wedding and like this is absurd. Am Iin a real life, or is this a setup? What the fuck is really going on hereand then they invited my mom. What do you think my mom said it? Guesses Bo didn't sit with them. My mom sat atthe brides table wit family and her new husband's family, oh Ih, and I and thenthe aunt the sister gets up and gives a...

...speech dude in front of three hundredpeople. Well, I'm glad that Tony is now here to take care of the kids becausethey haven't always had a man in their life and I'm like I'm sitting rightfucking here, Adad I've been through a lot with that bullshit I mean Y H. Iwill. I would be one of the guys cheering for OJ. I was so mad back ofthe day. I'm like are you fucking kidding me? I'm like you know he mighthave, did it, but I don't care. Sometimes you just get to that. fuckingpoints like Oh, my God, you guys are going to make me kill somebody. So Inever ended up doing it. Fortunately, and then I started channel all thatenergy inward and then I wanted to kill myself because I'm like well fuck ifthey effectively replaced me and surgically removed all the pictures ofme from their house, I'm just I'm pointless, I'm useless, I'm just apaycheck, and I think I think I'm Goinna. I like what you said about what your Buddhist friend said. Don't think of the why I think of thehowl yeah and that's so on't, you know what the? How are themistakes I made or a d or just things that happened.They might think that not everything that happened is your. Faulty bright mistakes can be bade on everyside of the equation and that's that's some good star, warshit right there.It's Joda, I think star wars is mostly ripped offof rights, religious literature but yeah going back to dating again no affense highly, but I want to ter. Iwant to trade, my ex wife in for two for two twenty year olds. That would cure your current feelingfor sure it would change. Agan I'll...

...tell you what all right man, if did you feelyou, getenough? What's that, that's a damn good band aid for the situation, E H, yeah! I'm done appreciate your share.DUDEIT's, bold and brave and even audasious share those kind of thingswith the public, and you know that this goes out to the public and you coulduse a pseudonym, a screenname or something else, but you use your real name Brian. So that'sawesome, you're, brave dude! I appreciate you thanks for sharing I'man open book. Yeah Ban Brian's, going to start his own podcast shortly calledbi polar belief. Yes, will track him and promote. I met. I meant to try to try to do a test recording this weekend, butthis happened and I've been you know, proecesson. I just I justshared everything. I've been feeling, so I can't I can't do it. Youaunderstandily, yeah and you'll feel better in a couple hours to just havingthat weight lifted off, knowing that it's out into the world that you havesupport that we believe you you're validated. It means a lot when you goout to the world feeling like that Hm. That's cool man, thanks Brian's, likethe East Coast, Conservative version of me, it's kind of neat and you can seehow well we get along. We don't argue politics or anything like that: HMM,cool man, okay, so Becky, you said you definitelyhad a share. You want to go. Did I say I definitely had to share.Well, let's check the instant replay my week is then kind of up and down, and I will totally share today on s.

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