Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 3 years ago

What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like ...

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Borderline is a learned personality disorder. Many people with Bipolar disorder also suffer from the somewhat misnamed "Borderline Personality Disorder" aka BPD. We like to think of it as a trauma-reaction disorder. In this episode, we share some trauma that may have caused our own BPD ... not to be confused with Bipolar disorder - a physiological brain abnormality. CAUTION ** May trigger people with a history of molestation.

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Is Online es it styleall right! Welcome back, it's goodto have you here, man, it's been a busy week and keep himbusy recording some podcast, so I was on somebody else's podcasts, a friendof Mye name Becky, who I know from bipolar: Partycom she's got a podcast called that B word,which is not just about bipolar: it's also about borderline personalitydisorder. So if you don't know about personality disorders in general, youshould check this out or go. Maybe wikipedia personality disorders and Osee what they're all about, but they include borderline narcissism andseveral others yeah. It's pretty trippy. I've beendiagnosed with one for many years and...

...it's possibly more troubling than evenmy bipole or disorder honestly. So we talked a bit about that and just giveyou about ten minutes of the interview, and I hope that you'll check out therest of the interview over at that B. Word: bodcast she's on Itunes, apple,podcasts and places like that. So give it listen cool and I've got another one.Coming up after this, with my buddy g shack, where we talk about Google bus protests in San Francisco, Google provides buses back and forthfrom the Silicon Valley to its employees and once they get into SanFrancisco the protesters don't like that much. So there was a big protestlast week and I talked to g shack about that in the next episode. So twoepisodes in a row with guests, it's kind of weird, because I feel like I'vein a lot of ways. I feel like I'm like...

...a lift driver, and I just picked you upand we're just going to go for a ride and you just kind of listen to yourlift driver, rambling on about random shit or maybe I was telling Becky, I'mkind of like the Weirdo at the bus. Stop it's like four or five people atthe bus stop and I'm the one guy who just comes up and starts talking andwon't shut up, so you're all kind of stuck listening to me. That's how it feels a lot doing apodcast, I'm the Weirdo at the bus stop anyway. So using the lift metaphor, I just feltlike I'd, give your heads up and let you know hey, there's somebody else inthe car with us this first time it's going to be beckyand then the next one will be g shack and I tried to limit these eagh toabout ten minutes or so so they don't go on forever and if you don't likelistening to two people talk just fast forward to the next one cool all right,I'll talk to you soon by join the party at bi, polar partycom part of that,like the abandonment Saing, you think.

Maybe it's like that, like nobody wasthere to like rescue you or whatever for sure I felt completely like IDthrown off a cliff and was just falling. I think with the abandonment piece,though, I've always okay, so here's what it being abandonedme caused me todo it caused me to be like a chameleon, which I think might also be part of aborderline issue, is so no matter what circumstance I'm in. I seem reallycharming and you know like I fit in like. Oh, this guy really gets it. Okay,so there's two things going on there, I'm smart, so I can pick up data in mysurroundings really fast cool, but I'm also nuts. So I'm trying to use allthat data that I'm gathering through my senses just to fit in. I just don'twant to be abandoned again. I don't want to lose this conversation. I don'twant to lose the house, I'm in the relationship we have. I don't want tolose anything. I've gathered up till now. If you find out O'm a fraud whichis funny because in doing so, I'm now Afraud, I'm now basically putting on anact to try to be the person you think I...

...am, and I think that all stems fromhaving nowhere to live and having to kind of like figure out. How does thisfamily act like when I sleep at Rayse House? How should I act to his mom anddad and then, when I have to go over to Steve's house, what's his family like?How do I have to change just to have a meal tonight and just to not be kickedout into the streets? So I think the abandonment for me, because I was neverlike hardcore molested, like you know, having to pull down your pants in thecreek, is traumatic, but not like it's not like being raped or anything and we'll get hit mail wit. Some Shit likethat for sure I'm not likain. It's not a contest, I'mjust trying to convey what happened to me and kind of sort it out like how it connects to how I am todayso yeah abandonment, I think, definitely cause my personal borderlineyeah and that whole thing about having a narcissistic parent that we've talkedabout before. If you have a parent who expects you to be a certain way andwithholds love, unless you are that way...

...well, humans need love. You GOINTOfucking, like start acting that way for your dose of love now and then, eventhough that might not be your genuine self yeah. So have you ever heard ofconcept of splitting? I have whe. Are you talking aboutsplitting parents like, like a person splitting to other people? That's the context. I know it is yeah.It's wlinning is like when you aren't able to reconcile twodifferent parts of person into the same person like you, can't reconcile angrymom into happy mom and loving mom they're like no. I have all. I yeahtell me more yeah, so well, that's! Basically what how it was explained tome by my my therapist anyway. So how do? How does that sit? How does thit sit inyour consciousness, then, if I, if I've got like two MOMS, basically the onethat's evil and then the one that loves me when I'm good, I mean, I think yourrational brain understands that it's the same person but like your lizardbrain or for lack of better turn,...

...doesn't doesn't really get it becausethey seem like such different entities. I GuessYeah Yeah. They come from ICH different angles. It's really hard to gratch themup, whereas like one one minute, she could be screaming and swearing andthrowing things and binging her head against the wall and then the nextsecond she's like crying and like saying that she loves you or whatever,which was basically my mom, yeah, yeah, yeah and she'd, say weird mine wouldsay weird things like I love you, but I don't like you rightnow, like I'm like Ha. What's that en means she read like tough love, thebook called Tough Love, which is total bullshit. It's like hey a band in yourkids. You know neglect them withhold from them. That'll teach them I'm likewho, where 's this Mombo Jembo coming from it, didn't work Ol. At least itdidn't work with me. I kno. I know a lot of people are out there. thinkingno tough lovefucking works. I know because it worked for me. Well, that'san you probably haven't been to a psych...

...doctor as an adult. Let's see how wereally work for you yeah and what kind of diagnosies do they have? None.That's totally an OP episode of a podcast I'm going to do shortly. It'sjust the vast amount of people in America that have never had a checkuphad a psych check up at all, so we that's, I'm a leave it at that. Let'sget back to Borter Lone Yeah Yeah. You need some fiter free, epirsode, yeahright so anyway, so, like you were talking about not wanting to likechange in the with the you know in the gym orwhatever Yeah Yeah. So I can totally understand that because,like it sucks, though, because what part ofmy thing is kissing and like certain methods of kissing, I really can't. Ican't stand it and I always feel terrible, because I'malways like pushing my hus ine way when he gets like that. Like now, he got talike backd up right now, seriously dude, because it triggers that memory ofwhatever happened when you're younger...

...yeah and yeah. No, I guess in weirdways like food too, like if you didn't like the taste or smell of food, or ifyou love the smell of your mom's Mac and cheese or whatever I mean. There'ssome things so deeply engrained in our senses, like in the core of our brain,that no matter what even your loving husband it kissing. It's like. Oh it'sall good, except for that one thing you got to stop that. One thing likewhatever, like you hit the one spot that reminds me of a fucked upsituation, and neither one of you can do much about it right there at themoment. So it becomes really awkward. So you either have to, I guess, suck itup and wait till that part passes or bring it up and risk offending him,which I'm sure, as a guy would totally be offended, be like well fuck at thenI'm Goingto scool watch TV, Yeah E, not not that your husbands. That way, but Iknow I would tend to be because I just get offended like oh I'm not doing itright, then w'll fuck, it sometimes with the borderline. I would think youhate me and I'm like oh well, who hes been doing it right, really how doYouvn, like my kissing who's kissing,...

...do you like, then the you know what Imean if you really get out of hand real fast, so I feel for you in thatsituation. Like do you speak your mind? He'sanning, usually I try to just likeyou know, change the situation somehow withoutyou know, being yeah just yeah blunt about it. I guessjust be kind because you're generally a kind person, so I'm sure c Nou treatthat with kindness tank, how much an o Paki part of know.How much does your partner know about your personal borderline and likeborderline in general? Well, I try to get him to read up onPortalena in general. I'm not really sure he has. I know he's swet up onvypolar. I don't know if he's read up on the board of line which kind ofsucks, because that's a part you can't control with retisin. So every now andthen I start t think man I am more affected by borderline than I am bypolar now. I'm not starting to say, hey my bo polar cured. It's not. I feel thesymptoms a lot frequently,...

...but I'm used to those they're they'repredictable in their unpredictability. I can't predict when they're going tohappen, but I'm used to the way my bipolar mood swings. Make me feel so,I'm not as scared by the actual mood swings as much. What does bother me,though, is the hating of myself, because that is what will lead me tolike suicidal idiation. It's not a moodswing, there's nothing that makesme currently sad enough to like fuck. This is miserable until the borderlinekicks in and like Oh, it's miserable, because it's always been miserbable andno one's ever like me, and it's never going to change, and why even be here?That's in my mind. That's the borderline, saying all that stuff. It'snot it's not depression. Depression is depression. Hit makes me lethorgic stayin bed. Dark feels like a giant wave of like dark black lava or big SUNAMIslowly coming at me, but it doesn't feel like die, doesn't feel like dieJohn, you suck that to me. Yeah is borderline, so I wish more people didknow about it because man, it's...

...miserable it's and the thing is bothwith bipolar disorder and borderline. Neither one of those are developmentaldisorders. We're very cognizant, we're lucid. We know that our brain justfucked up and I likened it to a sneeze when I tried to explain it to my kidswhen they were younger and like well. I got this thing where sometimes I havelike a mental sneeze and I can't predict it can't stop it. While it's happening andI apologize if I sneeze on you, that's kind of a good way to explain itto a kid yeah. Well, I'm like it's not personal, like sometimes you getsomething. When you knows you know what a sneeze is right in thereol yeah yeah,I'm like well. Sometimes my brain has a sneeze and we all get kicked out of theAmusement Park. So apologize did. That really happen. Bat happens.Oh No orounded by police, Oh God, I'm sorry! I don't. Even I just couldHeti go. I just couldn't nobody got hurt. I just Couln't, let it go andwhen you're my size that people don't...

...like it when you can't let shit go yeahyeah like that. Sometimes I forget. I feel like the fourteen year old kidthat got kicked out of the House. I think my growth was stunted then, and Ifeel like a gangly guber kid, but and realize I', like a six foot, one twohundred and fifteen pound shavehead Nazi, looking dude that' to glorifynotsus it all. I meels I get that if I had some red boots on or whatever colorboots, not susus yeah people Wul, probably like Wat the fuck anyway, I'ma blue eyed brother. Now that's said: Yeah there's been instances where it'sdefinitely not being able to let it go. Can't say that that's borderline butagain borderline, probably because if somebody like at Amusement Park istrying to argue logic with you, your think, you're being victimized, youthink he's just picking on you. You don't see that Guy Picking on anybodyelse in line. You think. Oh, this guy's just fucking pick it on me. Why is italways be? How come the world's out to get me? That's a thing with borderlinepeople. We think the world's fucking...

...out to get us when TS. It's not, and wehave to be reminded constantly that dude. If the world is not out to getyou you're doing just fine try try to appreciate what you have and that untoitself drives me crazy when people say well, maybe o should just be moregrateful for what you have I'm like yeah, fucking orse. I am grateful, butwhy can't I want one more and why can't I want to feel better about myselfwithout being told just be grateful Y boy, yeah people don't have no idea whatthey're talking about when they say things like that, an the Tro Yeah Yeah, I'm sure it comesfrom like a nice place there trying to help places like compassion or whatever.But I mean it's not helpful if it's yeah it's a bit dosmis on.

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