Live from Emo Dojo
Live from Emo Dojo

Episode · 3 years ago

What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like ...

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Borderline is a learned personality disorder. Many people with Bipolar disorder also suffer from the somewhat misnamed "Borderline Personality Disorder" aka BPD. We like to think of it as a trauma-reaction disorder. In this episode, we share some trauma that may have caused our own BPD ... not to be confused with Bipolar disorder - a physiological brain abnormality. CAUTION ** May trigger people with a history of molestation.

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It's only now it's online Bible thisstylecom yes, Jo emotions with Bible style. All right, welcome back. It'sgood to have you here. Man, it's been a busy week and keepthem busy recording some podcasts. So I was on somebody else's PODCASTS,a friend of mine name Becky, who I know from bipolar PARTYCOM. She'sgot a podcast called that B word, which is not just about bipolar,it's also about borderline personality disorder. So if you don't know about personality disordersin general, U should check this out or go maybe wikipedia personality disorders andsee what they're all about. But they include borderline narcissism and several others.Yeah, it's pretty trippy. I've been...

...diagnosed with one for many years andit's possibly more troubling than even my bipolar disorder, honestly. So we talkeda bit about that and I just give you about ten minutes of the interviewand I hope that you'll check out the rest of the interview over at thatB word podcast. She's on Itunes, apple podcasts and places like that.So I'll give it a listen. Cool, and I've got another one coming upafter this with my buddy g shock, where we talk about Google bus protestsin San Francisco. Google provides buses back and forth from the Silicon Valleyto its employees and once they get into San Francisco the protesters don't like themmuch. So there's a big protest last week and I talked to g shockabout that in the next episode. So two episodes in a row with guests. It's kind of weird because I feel...

...like I've seen a lot of ways. I feel like I'm like a lift driver and I just picked you upand we're just going to go for a ride and you just kind of listento your lift driver rambling on about random shit. Or maybe I was tellingBecky I'm kind of like the Weirdo at the bus stop. It's like fouror five people at the bus stop and I'm the one guy who just comesup, starts talking and won't shut up, so you're all kind of stuck listeningto me. That's how it feels a lot to it a podcast.I'm the Weirdo at the bus stop anyway. So, using the lift metaphor,I just felt like I'd give you a heads up and let you know, hey, there's somebody else in the car with us. This first timeit's going to be Becky, and then the next one will be g shock, and I tried to limit these to about ten minutes or so so theydon't go on forever, and if you don't like listening to two people talk, just fast forward to the next one. Cool, all right, I'll talkto you soon. Back join the party at bipolar partycom part of that, like the abandonment thing. You think...

...maybe it's like that, like nobodywas there to like rescue you or whatever. For sure, I felt completely likeI'd thrown off a cliff and was just falling. I think with theabandonment piece, though, I've always okay. So here's what it. Being abandonedme caused me to do. It caused me to be like a chameleon, which I think might also be part of a borderline issue. Is,so, no matter what circumstance I'm in, I seem really charming and, youknow, like a fit in, like Oh, this guy really getsit. Okay, so there's two things going on there. I'm smart,so I I can pick up data and in my surroundings really fast. Cool, but I'm also nuts, so I'm trying to use all that data thatI'm gathering through my senses just to fit in. I just don't want tobe abandoned again. I don't want to lose this conversation. I don't wantto lose the House I'm in, the relationship we have. I don't wantto lose anything I've gathered up till now if you find out I'm a fraud, which is funny because in doing so I'm now a fraud. I'm nowbasically putting on an act to try to...

...be the person you think I am, and I think that all stems from having nowhere to live and having toto kind of like figure out, how does this family act like when Isleep it raise house? How should I act to his MOM and dad?And then when I have to go over to Steve's house, what's his familylike? How do I have to change just to have a meal tonight andjust to not be kicked out into the streets? So I think the abandonmentfor me, because I was never like hardcore molested, like you know,having to pull down your pants in the creek is traumatic, but not likeit's not like being raped or anything. And we'll get hit mail for someshit like that. For sure. Actually, I'm not like, yeah, it'snot a contest, I'm just trying to convey what happened to me andkind of sorted out like how it connects to how I am today. Soyeah, abandonment, I think, definitely cause my personal borderline. Yeah,and that whole thing about having a narcissistic parent that we've talked about before.If you have a parent who expects you to be a certain way and withholdslove unless you are that way, well,...

...humans need love, you're going tofucking like start acting that way for your dose of love now and then, even though that might not be your genuine self. Yeah, so,have you ever heard of concept of splitting? I have. We are you talkingabout splitting parents, like like a person splitting to other people? That'sthe context. I know it is. Yeah, it's splinning. Is likewhen you aren't able to reconcile two different parts of a person into the sameperson. Like you can't reconcile angry mom into happy mom and loving mom.Oh, they're like no, I have all it, Bikey, yeah,tell me more. Yeah. So, well, that's basically what how itwas explained to me by my my therapist anyway. So how does how doesthat sit? How does it sit in your consciousness then? If I ifI've got like two MOMS, basically the one that's evil and then the onethat loves me when I'm good. I mean I think your rational brain understandsthat it's the same person, but like...

...your Lizard Brain, or for lackof a better turn, doesn't, doesn't really get it, because they seemlike such different entities. I guess, yeah, they come from, it'sdifferent angles. It's really hard to watch them up, whereas like one oneminute she could be screaming and swearing and throwing things and Bang your head againstthe wall and then the next second she's like crying and like saying that sheloves you or whatever, which was basically my mom. Yeah, yeah,and she'd say weird mine would say weird things like I love you, butI don't like you right now. Like I'm like what, what's even means? You read like tough love, the book called Tough Love, which istotal bullshit. It's like Hey, a Bandon your kids, you know,neglect them, with hold from them. That'll teach them. Like who,where is this Mombo? Jumbo coming from. It didn't work. Well, atleast it didn't work with me. I mean no, I know alot of people are out there thinking no, tough love fucking works. I knowbecause it worked for me. Well, that's yeah, you probably haven't beento a psych doctor as an adult.

Let's see how we're really we workfor you. Yeah, and what kind of diagnosis do they have?None, that's totally a not episode of a podcast I'm going to do shortly. It's just the vast amount of people in America that have never had acheckup, had a psych checkup at all. So we've that's I'm a leave itat that. Let's get back to border line. Yeah, yeah,you need some fire free everything. Yeah, right, anyway. So, likeyou were talking about not wanting to like change in the with a youknow in the gym or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I cantotally understand that because, like it sucks, though, because what partof my thing is kissing and like certain methods of kissing. I really can'tI can't stand it and I always feel terrible because I'm always like pushing myhusand new way when he gets like that, like no, he gotta like backup right now, seriously, dude, because it triggers that memory of whateverhappened when you're younger. Yeah,...

...and yeah, no, I guess, and weird ways, like food to like if you didn't like the tasteor smell of food, or if you love the smell of your mom's Macand cheese or whatever. I mean, there's something so deeply ingrained in oursenses, like in the core of our brain, that no matter what,even your loving husband in a kissing it's like, oh, it's all good, except for that one thing. You gotta stop that one thing, likewhatever, like you hit the one spot that reminds me of a fucked upsituation and neither one of you can do much about it right there at themoment. So it becomes really awkward. So you either have to, Iguess, suck it up and wait till that part passes, or bring itup and risk offending him, which I'm sure, as a guy, wouldtotally be offended. We like well, folk upen, I'm going to school, Watch TV. Yeah, yeah, not not that your husband's that way, but I know I would tend to be, because I just get offendedlike, Oh, I'm not doing it right then we'll fuck it. Sometimeswith the borderline I would think you hate me and I'm like, oh well, who's been doing it right? Really, I'd even like my kissing. WHO'skissing? Do you like? Then?...

You know what I mean. Itcould really get out of hand real fast. So I feel for youin that situation. Like do you speak your mind? He's Annie. Iusually I try to just like, you know, change the situation somehow withoutyou know, being yeah, just yeah. She blunt about it. I guessjust be kind, because you're a generally a kind person. So I'msure, thank you. Treat that with kindness, but it's right. HowMuch Do you speaking partners know? How much does your partner know about yourpersonal borderline and like borderline in general? Well, I try to get himto read up on borderline in general. I'm not really sure he has.I know he's rot up on by Boler. I don't know if he's right upon the board of line, which kind of sucks because that's the partyou can't control of medicine. So every now and then I start think,man, I am more affected by borderline than I am bipolar. Now,I'm not trying to say hey, my body polar cured? It's not.I feel the symptoms a lot frequently,...

...but I'm used to those. They'rethey're predictable in their unpredictability. I can't predict when they're going to happen,but I'm used to the way my bipolar mood swings make me feel, soI'm not as scared by the actual mood swings as much. What does botherme, though, is the hating of myself, because that is what willlead me to like suicidal ideation. It's not a mood swing. There's nothingthat makes me currently sad enough to like a fuck, this is miserable,until the borderline kicks in and like Oh, it's miserable because it's always been miserableand no one's ever liked me and it's never going to change and whyeven be here? That's in my mind. That's the borderline saying all that stuff. It's not. It's not depression. Depression is depression. It makes melethargic, stay in bed. Dark feels like a giant wave of likedark black lava or big tsunami, slowly coming at me. But it doesn'tfeel like die. Doesn't feel like die. John, you suck that to me. Yeah, is borderline. So I wish more people did know aboutit, because man, it's miserable.

It's and the thing is both withbipolar disorder and borderline, neither one of those are developmental disorders. were verycognizant, we're lucid. We know that our brain just fucked up and Ilikened it to a sneeze when I tried to explain it to my kids whenthey were younger, and like well, I got this thing where sometimes Ihave like a mental sneeze and I can't predict it, I can't stop itwhile it's happening and I apologize if I sneeze on you. That's kind ofa good way to explain it to a kid. Yeah, well, I'mlike, it's not personal, like sometimes you get something who knows, youknow what a sneeze is, right, and they're all yeah, I'm like, well, sometimes of my brain has a sneeze and we all get kickedout of the Amusement Park. So I apologize. Did that really happen?That happened? Oh No, I'm sorry, surrounded by police. Oh God,I'm sorry, I don't even. I just could let it go.I just couldn't. Nobody got hurt. I just couldn't let it go,and when you're my size that people don't...

...like it when you can't let shitgo. Yeah, yeah, like that. Sometimes I forget. I feel likethe fourteen year old kid that got kicked out of the House. Ithink my growth was stunted then and I feel like a gangly goober kid,but real life one like a six foot one, two hundred and fifteen pound, shaved head Nazi looking dude. Not to glorify Nazis. It all Imean else I get that if I hit some red boots on or whatever colorboots, knozis use. Yeah, people would probably like what the fuck?Anyway, I'm a blue eyed brother now. That said, yeah, there's beeninstances where it's definitely not being able to let it go. Can't saythat that's borderline. But again, borderline probably because if somebody like an amusementpark is trying to argue logic with you, you'r think you're being victimized, youthink he's just picking on you. You don't see that Guy Picking onanybody else in line. You Think, Oh, this guy's just fucking pickit on me. Why is it always be how come the world's out toget me? That's a thing with borderline people. We think the world's fuckingout to get us when it's it's not,...

...and we have to be reminded constantlythat, dude, if the world is not out to get you,you're doing just fine. Try, try, to appreciate what you have, andthat, unto itself, drives me crazy. When people say, well, maybe he should just be more grateful for what you have, I'm like, yeah, fucking course I am grateful, but why can't I want one moreand why can't I want to feel better about myself without being told justbe grateful. Yeah, people don't have no idea what they're talking about whenthey say things like that. That and they try. Yeah, yeah,I'm sure it comes from like a nice place, they're trying to help,place of like compassionate or whatever, but I mean it's not helpful if it's. Yeah, it's a bit dismiss styles on cheese and five following on twitterjoyless. Excuse me, as quality.

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