Signal Drops
Signal Drops

Episode · 4 years ago

What Borderline Personality Disorder feels like ...

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Borderline is a learned personality disorder. Many people with Bipolar disorder also suffer from the somewhat misnamed "Borderline Personality Disorder" aka BPD. We like to think of it as a trauma-reaction disorder. In this episode, we share some trauma that may have caused our own BPD ... not to be confused with Bipolar disorder - a physiological brain abnormality. CAUTION ** May trigger people with a history of molestation.

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It's only now it's online Bible this stylecom yes, Jo emotions with Bible style. All right, welcome back. It's good to have you here. Man, it's been a busy week and keep them busy recording some podcasts. So I was on somebody else's PODCASTS, a friend of mine name Becky, who I know from bipolar PARTYCOM. She's got a podcast called that B word, which is not just about bipolar, it's also about borderline personality disorder. So if you don't know about personality disorders in general, U should check this out or go maybe wikipedia personality disorders and see what they're all about. But they include borderline narcissism and several others. Yeah, it's pretty trippy. I've been...

...diagnosed with one for many years and it's possibly more troubling than even my bipolar disorder, honestly. So we talked a bit about that and I just give you about ten minutes of the interview and I hope that you'll check out the rest of the interview over at that B word podcast. She's on Itunes, apple podcasts and places like that. So I'll give it a listen. Cool, and I've got another one coming up after this with my buddy g shock, where we talk about Google bus protests in San Francisco. Google provides buses back and forth from the Silicon Valley to its employees and once they get into San Francisco the protesters don't like them much. So there's a big protest last week and I talked to g shock about that in the next episode. So two episodes in a row with guests. It's kind of weird because I feel...

...like I've seen a lot of ways. I feel like I'm like a lift driver and I just picked you up and we're just going to go for a ride and you just kind of listen to your lift driver rambling on about random shit. Or maybe I was telling Becky I'm kind of like the Weirdo at the bus stop. It's like four or five people at the bus stop and I'm the one guy who just comes up, starts talking and won't shut up, so you're all kind of stuck listening to me. That's how it feels a lot to it a podcast. I'm the Weirdo at the bus stop anyway. So, using the lift metaphor, I just felt like I'd give you a heads up and let you know, hey, there's somebody else in the car with us. This first time it's going to be Becky, and then the next one will be g shock, and I tried to limit these to about ten minutes or so so they don't go on forever, and if you don't like listening to two people talk, just fast forward to the next one. Cool, all right, I'll talk to you soon. Back join the party at bipolar partycom part of that, like the abandonment thing. You think...

...maybe it's like that, like nobody was there to like rescue you or whatever. For sure, I felt completely like I'd thrown off a cliff and was just falling. I think with the abandonment piece, though, I've always okay. So here's what it. Being abandoned me caused me to do. It caused me to be like a chameleon, which I think might also be part of a borderline issue. Is, so, no matter what circumstance I'm in, I seem really charming and, you know, like a fit in, like Oh, this guy really gets it. Okay, so there's two things going on there. I'm smart, so I I can pick up data and in my surroundings really fast. Cool, but I'm also nuts, so I'm trying to use all that data that I'm gathering through my senses just to fit in. I just don't want to be abandoned again. I don't want to lose this conversation. I don't want to lose the House I'm in, the relationship we have. I don't want to lose anything I've gathered up till now if you find out I'm a fraud, which is funny because in doing so I'm now a fraud. I'm now basically putting on an act to try to...

...be the person you think I am, and I think that all stems from having nowhere to live and having to to kind of like figure out, how does this family act like when I sleep it raise house? How should I act to his MOM and dad? And then when I have to go over to Steve's house, what's his family like? How do I have to change just to have a meal tonight and just to not be kicked out into the streets? So I think the abandonment for me, because I was never like hardcore molested, like you know, having to pull down your pants in the creek is traumatic, but not like it's not like being raped or anything. And we'll get hit mail for some shit like that. For sure. Actually, I'm not like, yeah, it's not a contest, I'm just trying to convey what happened to me and kind of sorted out like how it connects to how I am today. So yeah, abandonment, I think, definitely cause my personal borderline. Yeah, and that whole thing about having a narcissistic parent that we've talked about before. If you have a parent who expects you to be a certain way and withholds love unless you are that way, well,...

...humans need love, you're going to fucking like start acting that way for your dose of love now and then, even though that might not be your genuine self. Yeah, so, have you ever heard of concept of splitting? I have. We are you talking about splitting parents, like like a person splitting to other people? That's the context. I know it is. Yeah, it's splinning. Is like when you aren't able to reconcile two different parts of a person into the same person. Like you can't reconcile angry mom into happy mom and loving mom. Oh, they're like no, I have all it, Bikey, yeah, tell me more. Yeah. So, well, that's basically what how it was explained to me by my my therapist anyway. So how does how does that sit? How does it sit in your consciousness then? If I if I've got like two MOMS, basically the one that's evil and then the one that loves me when I'm good. I mean I think your rational brain understands that it's the same person, but like...

...your Lizard Brain, or for lack of a better turn, doesn't, doesn't really get it, because they seem like such different entities. I guess, yeah, they come from, it's different angles. It's really hard to watch them up, whereas like one one minute she could be screaming and swearing and throwing things and Bang your head against the wall and then the next second she's like crying and like saying that she loves you or whatever, which was basically my mom. Yeah, yeah, and she'd say weird mine would say weird things like I love you, but I don't like you right now. Like I'm like what, what's even means? You read like tough love, the book called Tough Love, which is total bullshit. It's like Hey, a Bandon your kids, you know, neglect them, with hold from them. That'll teach them. Like who, where is this Mombo? Jumbo coming from. It didn't work. Well, at least it didn't work with me. I mean no, I know a lot of people are out there thinking no, tough love fucking works. I know because it worked for me. Well, that's yeah, you probably haven't been to a psych doctor as an adult.

Let's see how we're really we work for you. Yeah, and what kind of diagnosis do they have? None, that's totally a not episode of a podcast I'm going to do shortly. It's just the vast amount of people in America that have never had a checkup, had a psych checkup at all. So we've that's I'm a leave it at that. Let's get back to border line. Yeah, yeah, you need some fire free everything. Yeah, right, anyway. So, like you were talking about not wanting to like change in the with a you know in the gym or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I can totally understand that because, like it sucks, though, because what part of my thing is kissing and like certain methods of kissing. I really can't I can't stand it and I always feel terrible because I'm always like pushing my husand new way when he gets like that, like no, he gotta like back up right now, seriously, dude, because it triggers that memory of whatever happened when you're younger. Yeah,...

...and yeah, no, I guess, and weird ways, like food to like if you didn't like the taste or smell of food, or if you love the smell of your mom's Mac and cheese or whatever. I mean, there's something so deeply ingrained in our senses, like in the core of our brain, that no matter what, even your loving husband in a kissing it's like, oh, it's all good, except for that one thing. You gotta stop that one thing, like whatever, like you hit the one spot that reminds me of a fucked up situation and neither one of you can do much about it right there at the moment. So it becomes really awkward. So you either have to, I guess, suck it up and wait till that part passes, or bring it up and risk offending him, which I'm sure, as a guy, would totally be offended. We like well, folk upen, I'm going to school, Watch TV. Yeah, yeah, not not that your husband's that way, but I know I would tend to be, because I just get offended like, Oh, I'm not doing it right then we'll fuck it. Sometimes with the borderline I would think you hate me and I'm like, oh well, who's been doing it right? Really, I'd even like my kissing. WHO's kissing? Do you like? Then?...

You know what I mean. It could really get out of hand real fast. So I feel for you in that situation. Like do you speak your mind? He's Annie. I usually I try to just like, you know, change the situation somehow without you know, being yeah, just yeah. She blunt about it. I guess just be kind, because you're a generally a kind person. So I'm sure, thank you. Treat that with kindness, but it's right. How Much Do you speaking partners know? How much does your partner know about your personal borderline and like borderline in general? Well, I try to get him to read up on borderline in general. I'm not really sure he has. I know he's rot up on by Boler. I don't know if he's right up on the board of line, which kind of sucks because that's the part you can't control of medicine. So every now and then I start think, man, I am more affected by borderline than I am bipolar. Now, I'm not trying to say hey, my body polar cured? It's not. I feel the symptoms a lot frequently,...

...but I'm used to those. They're they're predictable in their unpredictability. I can't predict when they're going to happen, but I'm used to the way my bipolar mood swings make me feel, so I'm not as scared by the actual mood swings as much. What does bother me, though, is the hating of myself, because that is what will lead me to like suicidal ideation. It's not a mood swing. There's nothing that makes me currently sad enough to like a fuck, this is miserable, until the borderline kicks in and like Oh, it's miserable because it's always been miserable and no one's ever liked me and it's never going to change and why even be here? That's in my mind. That's the borderline saying all that stuff. It's not. It's not depression. Depression is depression. It makes me lethargic, stay in bed. Dark feels like a giant wave of like dark black lava or big tsunami, slowly coming at me. But it doesn't feel like die. Doesn't feel like die. John, you suck that to me. Yeah, is borderline. So I wish more people did know about it, because man, it's miserable.

It's and the thing is both with bipolar disorder and borderline, neither one of those are developmental disorders. were very cognizant, we're lucid. We know that our brain just fucked up and I likened it to a sneeze when I tried to explain it to my kids when they were younger, and like well, I got this thing where sometimes I have like a mental sneeze and I can't predict it, I can't stop it while it's happening and I apologize if I sneeze on you. That's kind of a good way to explain it to a kid. Yeah, well, I'm like, it's not personal, like sometimes you get something who knows, you know what a sneeze is, right, and they're all yeah, I'm like, well, sometimes of my brain has a sneeze and we all get kicked out of the Amusement Park. So I apologize. Did that really happen? That happened? Oh No, I'm sorry, surrounded by police. Oh God, I'm sorry, I don't even. I just could let it go. I just couldn't. Nobody got hurt. I just couldn't let it go, and when you're my size that people don't...

...like it when you can't let shit go. Yeah, yeah, like that. Sometimes I forget. I feel like the fourteen year old kid that got kicked out of the House. I think my growth was stunted then and I feel like a gangly goober kid, but real life one like a six foot one, two hundred and fifteen pound, shaved head Nazi looking dude. Not to glorify Nazis. It all I mean else I get that if I hit some red boots on or whatever color boots, knozis use. Yeah, people would probably like what the fuck? Anyway, I'm a blue eyed brother now. That said, yeah, there's been instances where it's definitely not being able to let it go. Can't say that that's borderline. But again, borderline probably because if somebody like an amusement park is trying to argue logic with you, you'r think you're being victimized, you think he's just picking on you. You don't see that Guy Picking on anybody else in line. You Think, Oh, this guy's just fucking pick it on me. Why is it always be how come the world's out to get me? That's a thing with borderline people. We think the world's fucking out to get us when it's it's not,...

...and we have to be reminded constantly that, dude, if the world is not out to get you, you're doing just fine. Try, try, to appreciate what you have, and that, unto itself, drives me crazy. When people say, well, maybe he should just be more grateful for what you have, I'm like, yeah, fucking course I am grateful, but why can't I want one more and why can't I want to feel better about myself without being told just be grateful. Yeah, people don't have no idea what they're talking about when they say things like that. That and they try. Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it comes from like a nice place, they're trying to help, place of like compassionate or whatever, but I mean it's not helpful if it's. Yeah, it's a bit dismiss styles on cheese and five following on twitter joyless. Excuse me, as quality.

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